I am helping my friend with her uni essay about the personality traits in the development, course and outcome of an eating disorder. Here are some of mine:
Development of anorexia:
unrealistic expectations - I thought I had to achieve As in anything to be seen as good enough. If I didn't, I was a failure and my parents would be disappointed in me.
I thought I could only have lots of friends if I was skinny, beautiful, gorgeous (everything I wasn't)
addictive - I was addicted to the rush I got from not eating for days on end.
perfectionism and high achiever - All I could think about was college work. I was so involved in studying & my eating disorder, I actually used to do homework set in my 9am lesson in my morning break! It was also a way to stop people making silly comments to me about my weight.
I studied constantly. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. I was very eager to please & be there for everybody.
Intelligent - I got high marks all the time, yet in college there were lots of clever people & I felt out of my depth.
Quiet/shy - I kept myself to myself always grateful to be invited places & seen to be popular. I'd never had a boyfriend.
Control - I liked to know what I was mean to be doing and when.
During my anorexia:
I had a lot of negative personality traits which are regarded to have been part of my illness.
Selfish - I mostly thought about me & pleasing anorexia. I barely cared about anyone else, making people cry.
Argumentative - I argued with friends, family & the unit. No, I was not anorexic. No I would not gain weight. I used to swear and shout at my psychologists, telling them I hated them.
Self-absorbed - I was in my anorexic world. All I thought about was calories and ways of losing weight.
Liar - I lied to everyone. I said I wasn't anorexic, I was eating. At the unit, I lied about exercising. I lied about my supplement drinks (I barely drank any). I hid food at nearly every mealtime. I made myself sick. I tried to run away. I self harmed. I did everything to please anorexia and I didn't care who I hurt. To me anorexia was my best friend.
Perfectionist & high achiever - Although I was not in college full time, I studied constantly handing in assignments early and doing extra work. I wanted to be the best.
I had to be active all the time. I couldn't just sit watching TV. I saw this as being lazy & a waste of space.
Control - Because I could no longer control my food, I tried to control my family instead by dictating when we ate and what we did.
Quiet/shy - I was even more timid when anorexic, as I spent a lot of my time at home. I lost friends. I got upset easily.
My mam says I was possessed & she had to remind herself that her daughter was still there.
It is hard to remember what life was like as an anorexic - from the ages of 16 - 20 my life is quite blank.
Outcome of anorexia :
Perfectionism & high achiever - I still am both of these; I have just learnt to control them. I no longer study constantly but I do like to be active & learn new things. I am always striving for better & place a lot of pressure on myself.
I constantly want to look good, worry about my appearance & compare myself to others.
Quiet/shy - I am not as shy as I once was. In fact, I talk a lot & would seem confident. To be honest, most of it is an act. Really I'm shy, insecure & want to be liked. I go out of my way to please others, to be there for them at all times yet often people take advantage of my kindness & play on my insecurities.
I am behind people my own age.
Competitive - I didn't really have anyone to compete with but now when anyone says they're going on a diet; I always know I will beat them!
Low self esteem - throughout the course of my life and anorexia.
I don't respect who I am which is why I put up with poor treatment from boys and friends. When boys treat me badly I believe it is how I am meant to be treated.
Saturday 15 October 2011
Sunday 2 October 2011
At A Loss
I keep losing friends and I don't know why. The anorexic in me shouts it's because I'm a terrible person; I'm boring; I talk too much and I'm unlikeable.
I'd say I believe her about 20%. Deep down I know I'm generally a good person; I'm interesting - I've travelled, I have a high level of education; I've done unusual things; I must be likeable or I wouldn't have a close friend I've had for 13 years or a close friend who talks to me daily or make friends easily or have two younger friends who call me their big sister. :)
So what is it then?
I lost most of my friends from school and college to anorexia. I was stuck at home whilst they were out being 17 and 18 year olds.
I've lost other friends to fall outs and distance.
But right now? I have no idea. Of course I have stopped constant contact with some due to me outgrowing them or one girl slagging me off.
However there's one close friend - I saw her every week and we would speak on the phone every day about anything and everything. Then suddenly I don't hear from her any more. I last saw her in July. My Mam said to ask her what's up? But I always do this - I'm sick of being the one who runs around.
Then my other friend is choosing to ignore me. I'm always the one to text first; to chase up plans. I've given up now as I feel like she just doesn't want to see me. Yet she knows what its like as her own friends did this to her and I was the only one there. Even her mam and nanna said I was her nicest friend. Maybe its down to what she said to me recently: people have lost respect for me for the way I behaved with my ex.
I don't know any more. I'm tired of making all the effort.
I'd say I believe her about 20%. Deep down I know I'm generally a good person; I'm interesting - I've travelled, I have a high level of education; I've done unusual things; I must be likeable or I wouldn't have a close friend I've had for 13 years or a close friend who talks to me daily or make friends easily or have two younger friends who call me their big sister. :)
So what is it then?
I lost most of my friends from school and college to anorexia. I was stuck at home whilst they were out being 17 and 18 year olds.
I've lost other friends to fall outs and distance.
But right now? I have no idea. Of course I have stopped constant contact with some due to me outgrowing them or one girl slagging me off.
However there's one close friend - I saw her every week and we would speak on the phone every day about anything and everything. Then suddenly I don't hear from her any more. I last saw her in July. My Mam said to ask her what's up? But I always do this - I'm sick of being the one who runs around.
Then my other friend is choosing to ignore me. I'm always the one to text first; to chase up plans. I've given up now as I feel like she just doesn't want to see me. Yet she knows what its like as her own friends did this to her and I was the only one there. Even her mam and nanna said I was her nicest friend. Maybe its down to what she said to me recently: people have lost respect for me for the way I behaved with my ex.
I don't know any more. I'm tired of making all the effort.
Tuesday 27 September 2011
Is there anyone out there?
I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!
My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.
You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.
Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.
Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.
Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.
My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.
You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.
Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.
Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.
Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Re-emerging
Sorry I have been quiet lately... I've been feeling rather lost and unsure of what I want to do with my life. I had a great week in London doing work experience at You magazine but then it ended and I had to come home. Home to where everyone knows what I've been through; Home to my claustrophobic bedroom; Home to my ex boyfriend and his games; Home to a job that I hate.
I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.
I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.
It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.
The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.
I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.
I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.
I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.
It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.
The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.
I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.
Saturday 4 June 2011
Life is too short
Yesterday I attended my friends funeral. It was one of the most upsetting days I've gone through. He was only 21 and they still don't know why he died. It just shows how short life is and we should make the most of it. When he died I swore I would start working on liking myself for who I am and enjoying life; working on my future. But I let myself get side tracked again; get pulled in by my ex boyfriend. Yesterday reminded me of what I want to do. I want to achieve something with my life, I don't want to be brought down by other people and I don't want to be made to feel inadequate by a boy.
Life is too short to worry about the tool of an ex boyfriend I can't seem to get over.
Life is too short to hate myself; to hide away from people and to burn myself.
Life is too short to compare myself to other people.
RIP Jamal. I'll always remember you
Life is too short to worry about the tool of an ex boyfriend I can't seem to get over.
Life is too short to hate myself; to hide away from people and to burn myself.
Life is too short to compare myself to other people.
RIP Jamal. I'll always remember you
Tuesday 31 May 2011
Broken Record
I feel like I go on about this all the time but I just can't seem to stop being upset over my ex. I guess it's because he always comes back into my life and then he upsets me again. Things had been going well between us; he spoke to me every day, we hung out and he was being lovely. But now I haven't heard from him since Thursday meaning he's probably with another girl. I feel like there's something wrong with me and that's why he doesn't want me.
I can't go on like this anymore. Being happy and then sad all the time. I just feel so horrible about myself that I don't know how to stop.
I can't go on like this anymore. Being happy and then sad all the time. I just feel so horrible about myself that I don't know how to stop.
Body Gossip monologue
Sorry I have been quiet lately...dealing with a few things, including the fact that a lot of people at work have found out about my eating disorder after someone at work emailed out an article about me. :( It had been so nice to be in a place where no one knew about it. I guess anorexia is always going to appear in my life one way or another.
Anyway I wanted to share the monologue I wrote for Body Gossip and My Personal Best. There was an event held on saturday which was a success. Mine wasn't performed but I thought I would share it with you all:
Rachel’s monologue
You thought you could beat me,
You couldn’t have been more wrong,
Because you picked the wrong girl to mess with.
You won for a while,
After convincing me that everyone hated me,
And only you were my best friend.
You forced me to diet, vomit and exercise.
You turned me into a selfish, lying monster,
But then I realised you were wrong.
I was loved and I was worthwhile,
I deserved to be alive.
My battle with you was hard,
Yet in the end it was me who won.
So goodbye anorexia, I do not need or want you.
I am happy to just be me, Rachel.
Anyway I wanted to share the monologue I wrote for Body Gossip and My Personal Best. There was an event held on saturday which was a success. Mine wasn't performed but I thought I would share it with you all:
Rachel’s monologue
You thought you could beat me,
You couldn’t have been more wrong,
Because you picked the wrong girl to mess with.
You won for a while,
After convincing me that everyone hated me,
And only you were my best friend.
You forced me to diet, vomit and exercise.
You turned me into a selfish, lying monster,
But then I realised you were wrong.
I was loved and I was worthwhile,
I deserved to be alive.
My battle with you was hard,
Yet in the end it was me who won.
So goodbye anorexia, I do not need or want you.
I am happy to just be me, Rachel.
Monday 16 May 2011
I Hate Anorexia
It's true; I really do.
I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.
I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.
I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.
I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.
I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.
I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.
I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.
And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)
There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)
I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.
I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.
I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.
I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.
I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.
I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.
I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.
And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)
There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)
Wednesday 11 May 2011
A Struggle With The Present
Okay so today I am wearing pretty colours for my new happy, healthy future as well as my lush Once upon a time necklace as I do hope to achieve my dreams. So why am I feeling completely miserable then?
I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.
My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.
I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!
When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.
After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.
And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)
I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.
My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.
I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!
When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.
After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.
And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)
Tuesday 10 May 2011
A Day Of Saying Goodbye...
You may have seen on Twitter that I am wearing black today. This is to say goodbye to everything I once was.
I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.
I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!
I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)
I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.
Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.
I feel a lot happier :)
I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.
I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!
I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)
I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.
Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.
I feel a lot happier :)
Monday 9 May 2011
Bye to BYA
Last week I resigned as a Beat Young Ambassador and I feel much better for having done so.
Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)
I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!
Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.
Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.
Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.
So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.
But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:
I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.
And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)
Wish me luck :)
Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)
I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!
Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.
Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.
Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.
So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.
But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:
I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.
And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)
Wish me luck :)
Monday 18 April 2011
Lost
I didnt get any response to my last post so I hope people are still reading... I know I have been a bit down lately and hope thats not why people arent commenting anymore!
I wish I could be more positive but I just feel utterly lost at the moment.
I am grateful that I have a job but its not the one I want.
I am finding it hard to live at home again especially when my parents dont trust me.
I am self harming again to the point I am bandaged up which means people will ask questions :|
I am allowing my ex boyfriend to use me again because I want to feel wanted and alive.
I am making sure I am out of the house and busy at all times - I am running away from myself.
Maybe it wasnt a good idea to come home?
I wish I could be more positive but I just feel utterly lost at the moment.
I am grateful that I have a job but its not the one I want.
I am finding it hard to live at home again especially when my parents dont trust me.
I am self harming again to the point I am bandaged up which means people will ask questions :|
I am allowing my ex boyfriend to use me again because I want to feel wanted and alive.
I am making sure I am out of the house and busy at all times - I am running away from myself.
Maybe it wasnt a good idea to come home?
Sunday 10 April 2011
Confusion
I dont have anywhere else to talk about this...
In Australia I managed to get over my ex boyfriend but since I have been back in my hometown I have realised I am not completely over him. As I mentioned before I saw him last week and was struck by how much it hurt to see him.
But now I have actually spent time with him today and my head and heart are all over the place. He was emailing me last night and he was asking me round. Thankfully I didnt go then. Today he apologised but asked to see me. Hes been calling me darling and my lovely; I hate that him calling me nice things makes me smile. I hate that my heart leaps everytime I see I have a message from him.
Today was lovely too. He was different then he used to be. We went to the park, sat on a blanket and just chatted. He was never on his phone. He paid attention to me. We laughed and had a banter and it was great. Went back and watched a film too. Nothing happened between us which Im glad of. And I like that we can be friends. But now Im reminded of the fact I still have feelings for him and I dont know what to do.
In Australia I managed to get over my ex boyfriend but since I have been back in my hometown I have realised I am not completely over him. As I mentioned before I saw him last week and was struck by how much it hurt to see him.
But now I have actually spent time with him today and my head and heart are all over the place. He was emailing me last night and he was asking me round. Thankfully I didnt go then. Today he apologised but asked to see me. Hes been calling me darling and my lovely; I hate that him calling me nice things makes me smile. I hate that my heart leaps everytime I see I have a message from him.
Today was lovely too. He was different then he used to be. We went to the park, sat on a blanket and just chatted. He was never on his phone. He paid attention to me. We laughed and had a banter and it was great. Went back and watched a film too. Nothing happened between us which Im glad of. And I like that we can be friends. But now Im reminded of the fact I still have feelings for him and I dont know what to do.
Thursday 31 March 2011
Being Home
I always knew returning home would be hard but I didnt realise it would bring loads of emotions back.
I did so well in Australia with becoming more confident and learning to like who I am. Yet my home town is threatening to spoil all my good work:
*I feel like a bad person because Ive made some terrible mistakes in the past
*I have urges to self harm but Im desperately trying to distract myself
*I saw my ex for the first time last week and it surprised me how much it hurt
*I'm lonely and wish I could find a guy who liked me
I am trying to keep up the positive insights I learned in Australia. I have ignoring my friends petty arguments. I have deleted my ex off Facebook again as he keeps trying to talk to me and I dont know what his game is. I have a full time job and I am determined to make my life amazing :). I am doing what I want to do and not answer to others.
I know I need distractions as when I came back from living in France I self harmed to the extreme that I had to go to hospital.
I have spent far too many years needing a guys attention; kissing and later sleeping with guys to feel wanted. I think its time to take time out for myself
I did so well in Australia with becoming more confident and learning to like who I am. Yet my home town is threatening to spoil all my good work:
*I feel like a bad person because Ive made some terrible mistakes in the past
*I have urges to self harm but Im desperately trying to distract myself
*I saw my ex for the first time last week and it surprised me how much it hurt
*I'm lonely and wish I could find a guy who liked me
I am trying to keep up the positive insights I learned in Australia. I have ignoring my friends petty arguments. I have deleted my ex off Facebook again as he keeps trying to talk to me and I dont know what his game is. I have a full time job and I am determined to make my life amazing :). I am doing what I want to do and not answer to others.
I know I need distractions as when I came back from living in France I self harmed to the extreme that I had to go to hospital.
I have spent far too many years needing a guys attention; kissing and later sleeping with guys to feel wanted. I think its time to take time out for myself
Wednesday 23 March 2011
I Have Grown As A Person
Being in Australia has changed me for the better. To think that i very nearly didn't come because of a boy. My ex changed his mind so much about whether he wanted to be with me and i got caught up in it all. I also was worried that I was running away from my feelings when in actual fact coming away as done me the world of good; not just realising I am better off without my ex neither. Here are some things i have been able to do:
stayed in a room with people I dont know,
lived with people i didnt know very well,
stayed in backpackers including a mixed dorm,
one night i stayed in the room with 5 strange boys,
travelled in a foreign country on my own,
went white water rafting,
gone on organised trips by myself,
walked into a bar on my own to meet friends,
set up a meeting with a charity on my own,
speant a lot of time by myself,
although it fell through i was going to stay with a girl i'd only known for a week,
realised i didnt want a boyfriend and i prefer being single,
i am not ashamed of my anorexia and sometimes its easier to tell people about it,
ate calamari and brie for the first time,
had fresh prawns and fish cooked/killed in the restaurant,
ate on my own in a restaurant,
learnt not to be wound up so easily.
What does worry me is that I have changed but my friends haven't and whether or not i will put the new things i have learned into practise at home.
stayed in a room with people I dont know,
lived with people i didnt know very well,
stayed in backpackers including a mixed dorm,
one night i stayed in the room with 5 strange boys,
travelled in a foreign country on my own,
went white water rafting,
gone on organised trips by myself,
walked into a bar on my own to meet friends,
set up a meeting with a charity on my own,
speant a lot of time by myself,
although it fell through i was going to stay with a girl i'd only known for a week,
realised i didnt want a boyfriend and i prefer being single,
i am not ashamed of my anorexia and sometimes its easier to tell people about it,
ate calamari and brie for the first time,
had fresh prawns and fish cooked/killed in the restaurant,
ate on my own in a restaurant,
learnt not to be wound up so easily.
What does worry me is that I have changed but my friends haven't and whether or not i will put the new things i have learned into practise at home.
Sunday 20 February 2011
Goodbye Anorexia
As you may know I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. In fact I have struggled a lot more in Australia than I have let on to anybody. So when I saw a triggering photo, it set off my underlying problems and I began to do all my bad habits again.
Until I got ill. my inflamed sternum flared up after all the exercise I had done; I was dizzy due to restricting and vomiting; I had insane stomach cramps; I couldnt be bothered to do anything; I had a cold because my immune system is rubbish anyway from anorexia.
Having to stop and rest made me think. Was it really all worth it? Of course not.
Anorexia is lonely and tiring.
Anorexia makes me sick, snappy and moody.
Anorexia strips away the person I am.
Anorexia makes me into a girl not a woman.
Anorexic is not who I am anymore.
I have come too far in my recovery to let anorexia take over my life again. I have too many ambitions and dreams that I want to achieve. I sure as hell dont want to go backwards; back to a life of nothing.
So goodbye anorexia. You cant fool me this time!
Until I got ill. my inflamed sternum flared up after all the exercise I had done; I was dizzy due to restricting and vomiting; I had insane stomach cramps; I couldnt be bothered to do anything; I had a cold because my immune system is rubbish anyway from anorexia.
Having to stop and rest made me think. Was it really all worth it? Of course not.
Anorexia is lonely and tiring.
Anorexia makes me sick, snappy and moody.
Anorexia strips away the person I am.
Anorexia makes me into a girl not a woman.
Anorexic is not who I am anymore.
I have come too far in my recovery to let anorexia take over my life again. I have too many ambitions and dreams that I want to achieve. I sure as hell dont want to go backwards; back to a life of nothing.
So goodbye anorexia. You cant fool me this time!
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Little Things
I apologise but I am struggling at the moment. I hate it because I want to show recovery is possible and yet I am doing all my bad habits. I dont want to be down on my blog though so just wanted to share some little insights; things I wouldnt have been able to do :)
I went swimming the other week with my cousin and housemate. Imagine my shock that there are no changing cubicles and women just walk around naked. I changed in the toilet that day. But I have been twice on my own now and something hit me: these women dont care what I look like; they dont care what they look like. No one is looking at anyone and its all shapes and sizes. So I didnt hide away. I unashamedly undressed in front of others! Go me!
I have been eating better in Australia with a more varied meal plan because when you live at someone else's house you just eat what you are given and whatever time it is given.
From travelling long haul flights, I have learnt to just eat when my aeroplane meal is given. No structured times here - it is out of my control! Although I do suggest getting vegan meals as they're a lot nicer and more manageable :)
I went swimming the other week with my cousin and housemate. Imagine my shock that there are no changing cubicles and women just walk around naked. I changed in the toilet that day. But I have been twice on my own now and something hit me: these women dont care what I look like; they dont care what they look like. No one is looking at anyone and its all shapes and sizes. So I didnt hide away. I unashamedly undressed in front of others! Go me!
I have been eating better in Australia with a more varied meal plan because when you live at someone else's house you just eat what you are given and whatever time it is given.
From travelling long haul flights, I have learnt to just eat when my aeroplane meal is given. No structured times here - it is out of my control! Although I do suggest getting vegan meals as they're a lot nicer and more manageable :)
Sunday 30 January 2011
What I Have Learnt In Australia So Far :)
I am not ashamed of my anorexia. Anybody who is bothered by it, is a big waste of my time.
I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.
I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.
I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.
It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.
I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.
I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)
I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.
Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.
I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)
For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.
When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.
I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.
I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.
I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.
It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.
I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.
I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)
I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.
Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.
I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)
For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.
When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.
Thursday 27 January 2011
Letter to My Body
So Northumberland College had a fashion show - which looked great - and they asked us at Beat to write a letter to our bodies. They read our stories/poems out and put some on the clothes. Very exciting!
Here is my letter:
Dear Rachel’s body,
I may not completely like you yet but I recognize the wonderful things you do. You allow me to dance out with my friends; to skip; to go walking; to play with my nephews, crawling around the soft play areas!
I took you for granted before. Then I set out to destroy you when anorexia took over us both. Yet you proved to be strong and I am thankful for that. If I’d died, I would never have met my gorgeous nephews, I wouldn’t have completed a degree and a MA, I would not be living in Australia and I would never have been a Beat ambassador, hopefully helping others gain strength against their eating disorder.
I appreciate my curves now. After all, boys certainly like them! Having a healthy body makes me smile, glow and feel like a human being. I look like a woman now, not a little girl and I’m proud of that. I love having boobs and my long legs!
I guess what I’m saying is sorry for the pain I put you through but thank you for letting me learn to love myself, curves and all!
Rachel
Here is my letter:
Dear Rachel’s body,
I may not completely like you yet but I recognize the wonderful things you do. You allow me to dance out with my friends; to skip; to go walking; to play with my nephews, crawling around the soft play areas!
I took you for granted before. Then I set out to destroy you when anorexia took over us both. Yet you proved to be strong and I am thankful for that. If I’d died, I would never have met my gorgeous nephews, I wouldn’t have completed a degree and a MA, I would not be living in Australia and I would never have been a Beat ambassador, hopefully helping others gain strength against their eating disorder.
I appreciate my curves now. After all, boys certainly like them! Having a healthy body makes me smile, glow and feel like a human being. I look like a woman now, not a little girl and I’m proud of that. I love having boobs and my long legs!
I guess what I’m saying is sorry for the pain I put you through but thank you for letting me learn to love myself, curves and all!
Rachel
Tuesday 18 January 2011
The PLAN
Okay, I sort of had a plan in my head regarding how I want to be when I go home and regarding my ex. But the other day for some reason I emailed my ex, just a friendly messgae but still this was NOT part of the PLAN!
I guess what I need to realise is I am human and we all make mistakes; it is okay to have a blip.
So what is my plan?
I want to be confident in myself and respect myself as a person - no more letting one boy control the person I am.
I will not let what other people say to me get me down. Most of them have not experienced the things I have and probably never will so what right do they have putting me down?
I will not be involved in the gossip of my home town.
I know it is not the end of the world of I dont have a boy who likes me. I am my own person and I am achieving what I want.
I do not love my ex anymore therefore I will not be his booty call or embark on a relationship again with him.
I do not even want to be my exes friend even - I thought he was mine but I have realised it was all one sided. He never cared about when I was feeling down.
So why did I email then? I guess last weeks situation with twitter affected me more than I thought, combined with a terrible attempt at starting exercise again and the comments the other boy made about me.
Oh as a side note, this boy apologised to me for what he said - he recognised it was harsh - and I really appreciate it. He knew I knew because of reading my blog! Oh dear. One thing I realised though is I never say what I mean to in real life. I think of things much later on and its something else I need to learn: how to speak my mind. He had said he said those things as he had felt awkward that everyone was talking about me and him and how I had wrote about us on my blog. I wish I had spoken out then; because really I am not a girl who gets carried away. I was not expecting anything more than what happened between us but I get the feeling that he reckons I wanted a relationship. Erm no. I know it was just a one off thing and I am fine with that :)
So yes here's to the PLAN lets hope I stick to it!
I guess what I need to realise is I am human and we all make mistakes; it is okay to have a blip.
So what is my plan?
I want to be confident in myself and respect myself as a person - no more letting one boy control the person I am.
I will not let what other people say to me get me down. Most of them have not experienced the things I have and probably never will so what right do they have putting me down?
I will not be involved in the gossip of my home town.
I know it is not the end of the world of I dont have a boy who likes me. I am my own person and I am achieving what I want.
I do not love my ex anymore therefore I will not be his booty call or embark on a relationship again with him.
I do not even want to be my exes friend even - I thought he was mine but I have realised it was all one sided. He never cared about when I was feeling down.
So why did I email then? I guess last weeks situation with twitter affected me more than I thought, combined with a terrible attempt at starting exercise again and the comments the other boy made about me.
Oh as a side note, this boy apologised to me for what he said - he recognised it was harsh - and I really appreciate it. He knew I knew because of reading my blog! Oh dear. One thing I realised though is I never say what I mean to in real life. I think of things much later on and its something else I need to learn: how to speak my mind. He had said he said those things as he had felt awkward that everyone was talking about me and him and how I had wrote about us on my blog. I wish I had spoken out then; because really I am not a girl who gets carried away. I was not expecting anything more than what happened between us but I get the feeling that he reckons I wanted a relationship. Erm no. I know it was just a one off thing and I am fine with that :)
So yes here's to the PLAN lets hope I stick to it!
Wednesday 12 January 2011
It was all a hoax....
Yesterday the guy off twitter announced that his promotion of managed anorexia was all a hoax - a 'scientific experimentation' as he called it to see if he could become famous overnight; a bet with his friend. I think it being a hoax is even worse. That he knew what he was doing was wrong and he still went ahead with his twisted plans.
What has angered me more is the media's and twitter's reaction to him. If he had chosen a topic like racism or suicide, there would have been public outrage and he would have surely been taken off Twitter immediately. Instead he chose anorexia - something that the vast majority has never comprehended at the best of times. Therefore he was allowed to stay on twitter as apparently he wasn't doing that much harm. Thankfully sufferers like me and positive body image advocates took a stand against him: creating a petition as well as tweeting #itswhatsinsidethatcounts. Celebs showed their disgust at him too, which I greatly appreciated - Rhianna, Rochelle Saturdays, Gordon Ramsay... Simon Cowell even urged people to tweet #notosizezero
The guy believes that by donating money to Beat he can redeem his terrible actions but how can he? He has already affected people, myself included. And that is something no apology or donation can ever fix. I also feel like he has ruined all the amazing work Beat has done over the past 21 years; work the ambassadors have done and the last 5 years of work I have done as an ambassador myself on campaigning for the awareness of eating disorders.
Eating disorders are like a taboo subject - no body want to talk about them. Why i have no idea. You could say it is because they are a mental health illness but a lot of people think eating disorders are extreme diets or all about appearances. Whatever the reason it needs to stop. I am not ashamed of my anorexia - most of my friends know I have been anorexic and are very supportive of me. So if I don't care that I used to be anorexic, why should anyone else be bothered?
I am already writing a book as is an amazing friend of mine of our ordeals and battle between anorexia and us - I hope that more people will understand because of our stories. I also hope he may have an ounce of decency left and read them so he can understand how awful an eating disorder is to live with.
I know people have written that surely everyone could see he was a hoax but the reality is eating disorder sufferers are vulnerable people and when he was attacking girls' rolemodels like Holly Willoughby for being "fat", girls and boys could start worrying about their appearance. The same with his backlash against Rochelle Wiseman saying if she wasn't thin she wouldn't be in The Saturdays. What kind of message is that sending? You dont have to be a size zero to be successful; in fact the irony is when you are a unnatural size zero you cannot do anything at all.
I thought anorexia would make me happy and perfect. It didn't. Perfection doesnt exist for a start. I was never good enough for anorexia; I wasn't thin enough; I didnt die.
When I was anorexic I had no interest in anything; all I wanted was to disappear and not have to suffer anymore. Yet when I came close to death I realised I didnt want to die. There was so much I wanted to achieve with my life. But first I had to battle this illness that wanted me dead. When I was stopped in my tracks by the unit, I had no life. I had no energy; my body was shutting down. I couldn't go out with my friends; I couldnt go to college or work; I couldn't drive, walk or anything. I wasn't interested in boys like my friends were; I hadn't laughed in months. I lost friends because they were living their lives whilst I was under my mam's 24 hour care. All I was, was an empty shell; a walking skeleton.
Anorexia took a lot from me but the best day was when i realised she didnt control me anymore; that I had the right to be happy and to learn how to love the person I am.
I would never wish anorexia on anyone not even my worst enemy and I sincerely hope he never has to experience anyone close to him, to be taken over by an eating disorder, as he will truly regret making a joke out of a very serious mental health illness.
What has angered me more is the media's and twitter's reaction to him. If he had chosen a topic like racism or suicide, there would have been public outrage and he would have surely been taken off Twitter immediately. Instead he chose anorexia - something that the vast majority has never comprehended at the best of times. Therefore he was allowed to stay on twitter as apparently he wasn't doing that much harm. Thankfully sufferers like me and positive body image advocates took a stand against him: creating a petition as well as tweeting #itswhatsinsidethatcounts. Celebs showed their disgust at him too, which I greatly appreciated - Rhianna, Rochelle Saturdays, Gordon Ramsay... Simon Cowell even urged people to tweet #notosizezero
The guy believes that by donating money to Beat he can redeem his terrible actions but how can he? He has already affected people, myself included. And that is something no apology or donation can ever fix. I also feel like he has ruined all the amazing work Beat has done over the past 21 years; work the ambassadors have done and the last 5 years of work I have done as an ambassador myself on campaigning for the awareness of eating disorders.
Eating disorders are like a taboo subject - no body want to talk about them. Why i have no idea. You could say it is because they are a mental health illness but a lot of people think eating disorders are extreme diets or all about appearances. Whatever the reason it needs to stop. I am not ashamed of my anorexia - most of my friends know I have been anorexic and are very supportive of me. So if I don't care that I used to be anorexic, why should anyone else be bothered?
I am already writing a book as is an amazing friend of mine of our ordeals and battle between anorexia and us - I hope that more people will understand because of our stories. I also hope he may have an ounce of decency left and read them so he can understand how awful an eating disorder is to live with.
I know people have written that surely everyone could see he was a hoax but the reality is eating disorder sufferers are vulnerable people and when he was attacking girls' rolemodels like Holly Willoughby for being "fat", girls and boys could start worrying about their appearance. The same with his backlash against Rochelle Wiseman saying if she wasn't thin she wouldn't be in The Saturdays. What kind of message is that sending? You dont have to be a size zero to be successful; in fact the irony is when you are a unnatural size zero you cannot do anything at all.
I thought anorexia would make me happy and perfect. It didn't. Perfection doesnt exist for a start. I was never good enough for anorexia; I wasn't thin enough; I didnt die.
When I was anorexic I had no interest in anything; all I wanted was to disappear and not have to suffer anymore. Yet when I came close to death I realised I didnt want to die. There was so much I wanted to achieve with my life. But first I had to battle this illness that wanted me dead. When I was stopped in my tracks by the unit, I had no life. I had no energy; my body was shutting down. I couldn't go out with my friends; I couldnt go to college or work; I couldn't drive, walk or anything. I wasn't interested in boys like my friends were; I hadn't laughed in months. I lost friends because they were living their lives whilst I was under my mam's 24 hour care. All I was, was an empty shell; a walking skeleton.
Anorexia took a lot from me but the best day was when i realised she didnt control me anymore; that I had the right to be happy and to learn how to love the person I am.
I would never wish anorexia on anyone not even my worst enemy and I sincerely hope he never has to experience anyone close to him, to be taken over by an eating disorder, as he will truly regret making a joke out of a very serious mental health illness.
Tuesday 11 January 2011
The Big Debate
Unless you have been hiding from social media this week, you will all know what my post is about: the current outrage at a certain someone who thinks promoting size zero and anorexia is a good thing.
I didn't want to write about it but I think this person has been allowed to stay on Twitter for too long. I thought that by asking people in the British media to help would give us a head start, as usually they excel at social campaigns such as this one.
Imagine then my dismay when barely anyone paid any attention except for lovely people at ELLE and Red magazine. Instead I was told that I was helping this idiot become news just because I was standing up against them! The fact remains that even after the amazing work of Beat; the awesome work of all Beat's Young Ambassadors and other lovely advocates of positive body image, the media still has no clue at how serious an eating disorder is and how potentially dangerous pro-anorexia can be.
Eating disorders kill. Fact.
Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Fact.
Eating disorders wreck people's lives. Fact.
Once upon a time I thought anorexia was the only thing I was good at. I believed I was in control and soon I would be able to disappear. To be invisible so nobody could bully me anymore and call me ugly. However being anorexic gave me attention I did not want. People getting upset about my sunken face, my lifeless eyes, my desire to do nothing but exercise and study, my jutting bones and my shrunken body.
Also I was not in control; my eating disorder was. Anorexia told me to trust nobody; they all wanted me to be fat. Anorexia shouted that I was fat, ugly, worthless, unloveable and stupid. Anorexia lost me the trust of my family; it made my parents worry if they were going to find me dead in the morning.
Anorexia is not pretty. Anorexia is not glamorous. Anorexia is evil. It will strip you of the person you are until there is no one left. It won't be happy until you are dead.
This whole management of anorexia is not possible. An eating disorder manages you.
The best thing about anorexia? It is beatable. Myself and many others are proof of this. Recovery can be a very long and hard battle but it is completely worth it. I can laugh again, dance and spend time with my friends. My family are proud of me; I am starting to be proud of me. Recovery is many things; read my blog and you will see how wonderful it is :)
Now I hear people say, "Yeah this guy isnt making anyone be anorexic!" and you would be right. Yet I know how damaging pro-anorexia can be. It is after all why hundreds of pro-ana web sites were shut down in the first place. People already in a vulnerable state, who feel like nobody understands them, often turn to pro-ana. Pro-ana glamourises anorexia; pro-ana tells you that you are not a good enough anorexic; pro-ana urges you to follow their tips, to stare at the thinspiration photos, to starve yourself to death.
This man may not directly make anyone become anorexic but his tweets are dangerous to those who are already in the midst of an eating disorder. I know it is. I have friends who have been greatly affected by his words. Even I have been affected by them; to the point I have had to remind myself why recovery is worth it. And it so is.
So please take a moment to think about this. Please do sign the petition at http://twitition.com/wq6ke and let's restore my faith in humanity.
I didn't want to write about it but I think this person has been allowed to stay on Twitter for too long. I thought that by asking people in the British media to help would give us a head start, as usually they excel at social campaigns such as this one.
Imagine then my dismay when barely anyone paid any attention except for lovely people at ELLE and Red magazine. Instead I was told that I was helping this idiot become news just because I was standing up against them! The fact remains that even after the amazing work of Beat; the awesome work of all Beat's Young Ambassadors and other lovely advocates of positive body image, the media still has no clue at how serious an eating disorder is and how potentially dangerous pro-anorexia can be.
Eating disorders kill. Fact.
Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Fact.
Eating disorders wreck people's lives. Fact.
Once upon a time I thought anorexia was the only thing I was good at. I believed I was in control and soon I would be able to disappear. To be invisible so nobody could bully me anymore and call me ugly. However being anorexic gave me attention I did not want. People getting upset about my sunken face, my lifeless eyes, my desire to do nothing but exercise and study, my jutting bones and my shrunken body.
Also I was not in control; my eating disorder was. Anorexia told me to trust nobody; they all wanted me to be fat. Anorexia shouted that I was fat, ugly, worthless, unloveable and stupid. Anorexia lost me the trust of my family; it made my parents worry if they were going to find me dead in the morning.
Anorexia is not pretty. Anorexia is not glamorous. Anorexia is evil. It will strip you of the person you are until there is no one left. It won't be happy until you are dead.
This whole management of anorexia is not possible. An eating disorder manages you.
The best thing about anorexia? It is beatable. Myself and many others are proof of this. Recovery can be a very long and hard battle but it is completely worth it. I can laugh again, dance and spend time with my friends. My family are proud of me; I am starting to be proud of me. Recovery is many things; read my blog and you will see how wonderful it is :)
Now I hear people say, "Yeah this guy isnt making anyone be anorexic!" and you would be right. Yet I know how damaging pro-anorexia can be. It is after all why hundreds of pro-ana web sites were shut down in the first place. People already in a vulnerable state, who feel like nobody understands them, often turn to pro-ana. Pro-ana glamourises anorexia; pro-ana tells you that you are not a good enough anorexic; pro-ana urges you to follow their tips, to stare at the thinspiration photos, to starve yourself to death.
This man may not directly make anyone become anorexic but his tweets are dangerous to those who are already in the midst of an eating disorder. I know it is. I have friends who have been greatly affected by his words. Even I have been affected by them; to the point I have had to remind myself why recovery is worth it. And it so is.
So please take a moment to think about this. Please do sign the petition at http://twitition.com/wq6ke and let's restore my faith in humanity.
Thursday 6 January 2011
Attracting The Right Guy
Now why is my post called this? I seem to have a habit of being sub-conciously attracted to guys who play on my insecurities, by using them to their own advantage. I got myself involved in a two year on and off relationship because I loved my ex that much I believed anything he said to me, when really he was probably just trying to get me into bed. Before now I believed this was how I was meant to be treated - but I deserve more. Being in Australia has forced me to look at my past behaviours and beliefs.
I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.
I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.
I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.
I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.
I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.
On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.
The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.
Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:
"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."
Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.
So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:
"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!
I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.
I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.
I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.
I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.
I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.
On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.
The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.
Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:
"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."
Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.
So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:
"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!
Monday 3 January 2011
A 'moment' of appreciating my body
I had one of those moments in the airport where I appreciate my body – I was wearing a short dress so I was all long tanned legs. I need to accept I have a great body – I am slim, tall, all legs and have slight curves in mostly the right places. I am still a size eight and I get many compliments about my body, I should love it too.
Interview with Operation Beautiful
It's time we stop emulating or striving for a type of perfection that doesn't even exist in the real world. It's OK to look like a human!
This statement by Caitlin, the creator of the site Operation Beautiful, is so true. Society nowadays has made people strive for perfection, especially with our appearances. Caitlin is right: we can just look like ourselves! What is important is loving ourselves for who we are and maintaining our beautiful individuality! If only the media and fashion industry would celebrate this… As a supporter of All Walks I have been interviewing other people who promote healthy body image. Here is my interview with Caitlin: check out her site too! http://operationbeautiful.com
How did you come up with the idea for Operation Beautiful?
I was inspired to start Operation Beautiful after having a really bad day; I wanted to do something small and simple for someone else to make me feel better! I posted my first note in the bathroom of a community college and blogged about it, and the concept went viral.
What has been the response to it?
The site started in June 2009 and I've received over 7,000 notes from all over the world since it started, including notes from Asia, Europe, and Africa. Operation Beautiful involves posting random notes in public places for other people to find. These notes typically encourage a positive body image or outlook and include phrases like "You are beautiful inside and out" or "Scales measure weight, not worth."
What has been the best anonymous note?
My favourite story is Vit's. A teenager in Canada, Vit was in a treatment centre for severe anorexia. Her doctors were concerned that it was going to eventually kill her. She slipped into the bathroom to throw up her lunch and found an Operation Beautiful note on the stall. The simple message - "You are good enough the way you are" - made her pause and reconsider her destructive behaviour. She followed up with me a few months later and said she was out of the hospital and healthier than ever. Vit knew a stranger posted the note, but she felt like the timing was a message from God.
Do you think the media will ever change their attitude towards promoting healthy body image?
I think society needs to ask them to change, and then I hope they will listen to consumers.
What has been your reaction to the increase in pro-Ana and pro-Mia websites?
I think they are horrible, but they are allowed under the First Amendment, I suppose. I wish people would be more responsible with what they write and say on the Internet.
If you could give advice to a young person suffering from bad body image or an eating disorder, what would you say?
Everything you already need is already inside of you, and don't be afraid or ashamed to reach out to an adult for help. Keep reaching out until you get the help you need.
What has been the media’s response to your web site?
They love it. You can see a complete list of the PR the site has gotten here: http://operationbeautiful.com/press/
This statement by Caitlin, the creator of the site Operation Beautiful, is so true. Society nowadays has made people strive for perfection, especially with our appearances. Caitlin is right: we can just look like ourselves! What is important is loving ourselves for who we are and maintaining our beautiful individuality! If only the media and fashion industry would celebrate this… As a supporter of All Walks I have been interviewing other people who promote healthy body image. Here is my interview with Caitlin: check out her site too! http://operationbeautiful.com
How did you come up with the idea for Operation Beautiful?
I was inspired to start Operation Beautiful after having a really bad day; I wanted to do something small and simple for someone else to make me feel better! I posted my first note in the bathroom of a community college and blogged about it, and the concept went viral.
What has been the response to it?
The site started in June 2009 and I've received over 7,000 notes from all over the world since it started, including notes from Asia, Europe, and Africa. Operation Beautiful involves posting random notes in public places for other people to find. These notes typically encourage a positive body image or outlook and include phrases like "You are beautiful inside and out" or "Scales measure weight, not worth."
What has been the best anonymous note?
My favourite story is Vit's. A teenager in Canada, Vit was in a treatment centre for severe anorexia. Her doctors were concerned that it was going to eventually kill her. She slipped into the bathroom to throw up her lunch and found an Operation Beautiful note on the stall. The simple message - "You are good enough the way you are" - made her pause and reconsider her destructive behaviour. She followed up with me a few months later and said she was out of the hospital and healthier than ever. Vit knew a stranger posted the note, but she felt like the timing was a message from God.
Do you think the media will ever change their attitude towards promoting healthy body image?
I think society needs to ask them to change, and then I hope they will listen to consumers.
What has been your reaction to the increase in pro-Ana and pro-Mia websites?
I think they are horrible, but they are allowed under the First Amendment, I suppose. I wish people would be more responsible with what they write and say on the Internet.
If you could give advice to a young person suffering from bad body image or an eating disorder, what would you say?
Everything you already need is already inside of you, and don't be afraid or ashamed to reach out to an adult for help. Keep reaching out until you get the help you need.
What has been the media’s response to your web site?
They love it. You can see a complete list of the PR the site has gotten here: http://operationbeautiful.com/press/
Operation Beautiful
I love Caitlin's website and mission, Operation Beautiful. Her idea is for people to write post it notes with positive quotes etc and put them around in public or on your blog to help others realise their true beauty.
Eating Disorders
To me this is significant because I would like to hope that one day eating disorders will disappear or at least the numbers of people suffering will significantly drop. It saddens me how many people are suffering from an eating disorder still and how so many people die before they have realised how amazing they really are.
Positive Body Image
I wanted to share some striking photos that promote a healthy body image with you :) It is possible to learn to love the body you are in. Above is the Butterfly Foundation one and this is so true: our beauty is not measured by how much we weigh.
Sunday 2 January 2011
My Aims For 2011
1. Visit North Australia, Bali and the South Island of New Zealand.
2. Snorkel in the Great Barrir Reef.
3. Cook more.
4. Start up more toning exercises - long walks, swimming, boxing.
5. Stop putting myself down and not be as sensitive to things.
6. Wear grown up clothes when back in the UK (too hot here to be smart 24/7 in Sydney!)
7. Continue writing for All Walks, MPB, LGN events and possibly The Line.
8. Do lots of work experience.
9. Spend time with my family.
10. Remove myself from my home town gossip.
11. Do not let a boy treat me bad again, especially my ex - I want to have no contact with him when I go home.
12. Obtain my Youth Achievement Awards.
13. Hopefully get into uni again to do my PGCE and manage being away from home.
14. Do the spilts.
15. Be comfortable with the person I am.
2. Snorkel in the Great Barrir Reef.
3. Cook more.
4. Start up more toning exercises - long walks, swimming, boxing.
5. Stop putting myself down and not be as sensitive to things.
6. Wear grown up clothes when back in the UK (too hot here to be smart 24/7 in Sydney!)
7. Continue writing for All Walks, MPB, LGN events and possibly The Line.
8. Do lots of work experience.
9. Spend time with my family.
10. Remove myself from my home town gossip.
11. Do not let a boy treat me bad again, especially my ex - I want to have no contact with him when I go home.
12. Obtain my Youth Achievement Awards.
13. Hopefully get into uni again to do my PGCE and manage being away from home.
14. Do the spilts.
15. Be comfortable with the person I am.
Happy New Year!
I hope that 2011 is even better than 2010. I have finally gotten over my ex and although I struggle with other things, I know my eating disorder is not worth it. Anorexia does not give me the life I want. It makes me look like a little girl and quite frankly I want curves :)
My New Year was amazing in Sydney; we went to a pub and then a nearby park where you could drink and watch the fireworks from the Sydney Harbour bridge. I also had a kiss at midnight with a lovely guy who is from my home town too. So I guess nice guys do exist and that I do deserve better from boys. The guy in question is a friend and he gave me some advice: how I should be with someone who is proud of all I have acheived and overcome.
I guess what this post is about, is that I am realising what I want out of life and the kind of relationship I think I deserve.
I wish you all an amazing 2011 :)
My New Year was amazing in Sydney; we went to a pub and then a nearby park where you could drink and watch the fireworks from the Sydney Harbour bridge. I also had a kiss at midnight with a lovely guy who is from my home town too. So I guess nice guys do exist and that I do deserve better from boys. The guy in question is a friend and he gave me some advice: how I should be with someone who is proud of all I have acheived and overcome.
I guess what this post is about, is that I am realising what I want out of life and the kind of relationship I think I deserve.
I wish you all an amazing 2011 :)
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