What I Have Learnt In Australia So Far :)

I am not ashamed of my anorexia. Anybody who is bothered by it, is a big waste of my time.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.

It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.

I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.

I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)

I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.

Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.

I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)

For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.

When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.

It was all a hoax....

Yesterday the guy off twitter announced that his promotion of managed anorexia was all a hoax - a 'scientific experimentation' as he called it to see if he could become famous overnight; a bet with his friend. I think it being a hoax is even worse. That he knew what he was doing was wrong and he still went ahead with his twisted plans.

What has angered me more is the media's and twitter's reaction to him. If he had chosen a topic like racism or suicide, there would have been public outrage and he would have surely been taken off Twitter immediately. Instead he chose anorexia - something that the vast majority has never comprehended at the best of times. Therefore he was allowed to stay on twitter as apparently he wasn't doing that much harm. Thankfully sufferers like me and positive body image advocates took a stand against him: creating a petition as well as tweeting #itswhatsinsidethatcounts. Celebs showed their disgust at him too, which I greatly appreciated - Rhianna, Rochelle Saturdays, Gordon Ramsay... Simon Cowell even urged people to tweet #notosizezero

The guy believes that by donating money to Beat he can redeem his terrible actions but how can he? He has already affected people, myself included. And that is something no apology or donation can ever fix. I also feel like he has ruined all the amazing work Beat has done over the past 21 years; work the ambassadors have done and the last 5 years of work I have done as an ambassador myself on campaigning for the awareness of eating disorders.

Eating disorders are like a taboo subject - no body want to talk about them. Why i have no idea. You could say it is because they are a mental health illness but a lot of people think eating disorders are extreme diets or all about appearances. Whatever the reason it needs to stop. I am not ashamed of my anorexia - most of my friends know I have been anorexic and are very supportive of me. So if I don't care that I used to be anorexic, why should anyone else be bothered?

I am already writing a book as is an amazing friend of mine of our ordeals and battle between anorexia and us - I hope that more people will understand because of our stories. I also hope he may have an ounce of decency left and read them so he can understand how awful an eating disorder is to live with.

I know people have written that surely everyone could see he was a hoax but the reality is eating disorder sufferers are vulnerable people and when he was attacking girls' rolemodels like Holly Willoughby for being "fat", girls and boys could start worrying about their appearance. The same with his backlash against Rochelle Wiseman saying if she wasn't thin she wouldn't be in The Saturdays. What kind of message is that sending? You dont have to be a size zero to be successful; in fact the irony is when you are a unnatural size zero you cannot do anything at all.

I thought anorexia would make me happy and perfect. It didn't. Perfection doesnt exist for a start. I was never good enough for anorexia; I wasn't thin enough; I didnt die.

When I was anorexic I had no interest in anything; all I wanted was to disappear and not have to suffer anymore. Yet when I came close to death I realised I didnt want to die. There was so much I wanted to achieve with my life. But first I had to battle this illness that wanted me dead. When I was stopped in my tracks by the unit, I had no life. I had no energy; my body was shutting down. I couldn't go out with my friends; I couldnt go to college or work; I couldn't drive, walk or anything. I wasn't interested in boys like my friends were; I hadn't laughed in months. I lost friends because they were living their lives whilst I was under my mam's 24 hour care. All I was, was an empty shell; a walking skeleton.

Anorexia took a lot from me but the best day was when i realised she didnt control me anymore; that I had the right to be happy and to learn how to love the person I am.

I would never wish anorexia on anyone not even my worst enemy and I sincerely hope he never has to experience anyone close to him, to be taken over by an eating disorder, as he will truly regret making a joke out of a very serious mental health illness.

A 'moment' of appreciating my body

I had one of those moments in the airport where I appreciate my body – I was wearing a short dress so I was all long tanned legs. I need to accept I have a great body – I am slim, tall, all legs and have slight curves in mostly the right places. I am still a size eight and I get many compliments about my body, I should love it too.

Greetings from Australia

Hello :)

So here I am blogging from Australia - after everything I have been through I never thought I would make it here or be living away from my mam for several months. Of course I have only been here three days so I am feeling unsettled and wondering if I should be here.

There are more opportunities for me here though. I can get a job, there is sunshine and nobody knows who I am.I can be the real Rachel I want to be. No one needs to know about my anorexia, my bad luck with boys or everything about me. So far it is good and I think time away from boys will help me. I don't need to look good for them. I can look good for me. I can finally learn how to love myself.

I shall keep you updated :)

im glad to have experienced it...

There are a few things that have happened in my life that have been challenging but in a way I am glad I have experienced them and survived.

From anorexia, when I was told I would die; when I couldn't do what other 17 year olds were doing; when I was trapped in tourment - I now know more about who I am and the world around me. I am passionate about making a difference and am an active ambassador for beat. I am a compassionate and caring person to many.

From not being able to finish my year abroad, I made new friends, build up my confidence and had a brief stint into the teenage life I always wanted even if it was at age 21!

From falling in love, when the guy didn't love me as much, when I've been trying to get over him for two years. I still would go through it again because falling in love is special. Because it makes you warm inside and cared for. And now I'm learning to be strong to not fall as deep so soon again.

I'm off to australia on tuesday. Who knows what experiences await me?