At A Loss

I keep losing friends and I don't know why. The anorexic in me shouts it's because I'm a terrible person; I'm boring; I talk too much and I'm unlikeable.

I'd say I believe her about 20%. Deep down I know I'm generally a good person; I'm interesting - I've travelled, I have a high level of education; I've done unusual things; I must be likeable or I wouldn't have a close friend I've had for 13 years or a close friend who talks to me daily or make friends easily or have two younger friends who call me their big sister. :)

So what is it then?

I lost most of my friends from school and college to anorexia. I was stuck at home whilst they were out being 17 and 18 year olds.

I've lost other friends to fall outs and distance.

But right now? I have no idea. Of course I have stopped constant contact with some due to me outgrowing them or one girl slagging me off.

However there's one close friend - I saw her every week and we would speak on the phone every day about anything and everything. Then suddenly I don't hear from her any more. I last saw her in July. My Mam said to ask her what's up? But I always do this - I'm sick of being the one who runs around.

Then my other friend is choosing to ignore me. I'm always the one to text first; to chase up plans. I've given up now as I feel like she just doesn't want to see me. Yet she knows what its like as her own friends did this to her and I was the only one there. Even her mam and nanna said I was her nicest friend. Maybe its down to what she said to me recently: people have lost respect for me for the way I behaved with my ex.

I don't know any more. I'm tired of making all the effort.