Re-emerging

Sorry I have been quiet lately... I've been feeling rather lost and unsure of what I want to do with my life. I had a great week in London doing work experience at You magazine but then it ended and I had to come home. Home to where everyone knows what I've been through; Home to my claustrophobic bedroom; Home to my ex boyfriend and his games; Home to a job that I hate.

I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.

I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.

It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.

The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.

I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.

Life is too short

Yesterday I attended my friends funeral. It was one of the most upsetting days I've gone through. He was only 21 and they still don't know why he died. It just shows how short life is and we should make the most of it. When he died I swore I would start working on liking myself for who I am and enjoying life; working on my future. But I let myself get side tracked again; get pulled in by my ex boyfriend. Yesterday reminded me of what I want to do. I want to achieve something with my life, I don't want to be brought down by other people and I don't want to be made to feel inadequate by a boy.

Life is too short to worry about the tool of an ex boyfriend I can't seem to get over.
Life is too short to hate myself; to hide away from people and to burn myself.
Life is too short to compare myself to other people.

RIP Jamal. I'll always remember you