At A Loss

I keep losing friends and I don't know why. The anorexic in me shouts it's because I'm a terrible person; I'm boring; I talk too much and I'm unlikeable.

I'd say I believe her about 20%. Deep down I know I'm generally a good person; I'm interesting - I've travelled, I have a high level of education; I've done unusual things; I must be likeable or I wouldn't have a close friend I've had for 13 years or a close friend who talks to me daily or make friends easily or have two younger friends who call me their big sister. :)

So what is it then?

I lost most of my friends from school and college to anorexia. I was stuck at home whilst they were out being 17 and 18 year olds.

I've lost other friends to fall outs and distance.

But right now? I have no idea. Of course I have stopped constant contact with some due to me outgrowing them or one girl slagging me off.

However there's one close friend - I saw her every week and we would speak on the phone every day about anything and everything. Then suddenly I don't hear from her any more. I last saw her in July. My Mam said to ask her what's up? But I always do this - I'm sick of being the one who runs around.

Then my other friend is choosing to ignore me. I'm always the one to text first; to chase up plans. I've given up now as I feel like she just doesn't want to see me. Yet she knows what its like as her own friends did this to her and I was the only one there. Even her mam and nanna said I was her nicest friend. Maybe its down to what she said to me recently: people have lost respect for me for the way I behaved with my ex.

I don't know any more. I'm tired of making all the effort.

Is there anyone out there?

I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!

My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.

You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.

Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.

Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.

Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.

Re-emerging

Sorry I have been quiet lately... I've been feeling rather lost and unsure of what I want to do with my life. I had a great week in London doing work experience at You magazine but then it ended and I had to come home. Home to where everyone knows what I've been through; Home to my claustrophobic bedroom; Home to my ex boyfriend and his games; Home to a job that I hate.

I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.

I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.

It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.

The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.

I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.

The Big Debate

Unless you have been hiding from social media this week, you will all know what my post is about: the current outrage at a certain someone who thinks promoting size zero and anorexia is a good thing.

I didn't want to write about it but I think this person has been allowed to stay on Twitter for too long. I thought that by asking people in the British media to help would give us a head start, as usually they excel at social campaigns such as this one.

Imagine then my dismay when barely anyone paid any attention except for lovely people at ELLE and Red magazine. Instead I was told that I was helping this idiot become news just because I was standing up against them! The fact remains that even after the amazing work of Beat; the awesome work of all Beat's Young Ambassadors and other lovely advocates of positive body image, the media still has no clue at how serious an eating disorder is and how potentially dangerous pro-anorexia can be.

Eating disorders kill. Fact.
Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Fact.
Eating disorders wreck people's lives. Fact.

Once upon a time I thought anorexia was the only thing I was good at. I believed I was in control and soon I would be able to disappear. To be invisible so nobody could bully me anymore and call me ugly. However being anorexic gave me attention I did not want. People getting upset about my sunken face, my lifeless eyes, my desire to do nothing but exercise and study, my jutting bones and my shrunken body.

Also I was not in control; my eating disorder was. Anorexia told me to trust nobody; they all wanted me to be fat. Anorexia shouted that I was fat, ugly, worthless, unloveable and stupid. Anorexia lost me the trust of my family; it made my parents worry if they were going to find me dead in the morning.

Anorexia is not pretty. Anorexia is not glamorous. Anorexia is evil. It will strip you of the person you are until there is no one left. It won't be happy until you are dead.

This whole management of anorexia is not possible. An eating disorder manages you.

The best thing about anorexia? It is beatable. Myself and many others are proof of this. Recovery can be a very long and hard battle but it is completely worth it. I can laugh again, dance and spend time with my friends. My family are proud of me; I am starting to be proud of me. Recovery is many things; read my blog and you will see how wonderful it is :)

Now I hear people say, "Yeah this guy isnt making anyone be anorexic!" and you would be right. Yet I know how damaging pro-anorexia can be. It is after all why hundreds of pro-ana web sites were shut down in the first place. People already in a vulnerable state, who feel like nobody understands them, often turn to pro-ana. Pro-ana glamourises anorexia; pro-ana tells you that you are not a good enough anorexic; pro-ana urges you to follow their tips, to stare at the thinspiration photos, to starve yourself to death.

This man may not directly make anyone become anorexic but his tweets are dangerous to those who are already in the midst of an eating disorder. I know it is. I have friends who have been greatly affected by his words. Even I have been affected by them; to the point I have had to remind myself why recovery is worth it. And it so is.

So please take a moment to think about this. Please do sign the petition at http://twitition.com/wq6ke and let's restore my faith in humanity.

My Life In Australia

This is sort of to remind me that I should be happy in Sydney. Yes I dont quite feel myself here and nor do I have friends of my own except at work but I am working on what I set out to do - gain as much experience as possible and become more confident.

So here it is:

Employed by Momentum Promotions,
Fragrance promoter in Myer,
Beat ambassador (overseas),
Volunteer for The Butterfly Foundation,
Writer for My Personal Best web site,
Writer for All Walks Beyond The Catwalk blog,
Author of Showing Recovery Is Possible and A Geordie Girl In Sydney blogs,
Member of Book Club,
Self-promoter of positive body image on Twitter,
Tourist and holiday Rachel,
Studying a fashion course,
Fashion intern with LGN events,
Had work experience with Marie Claire.