I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!
My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.
You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.
Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.
Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.
Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.
Showing posts with label recovered. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovered. Show all posts
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
A Day Of Saying Goodbye...
You may have seen on Twitter that I am wearing black today. This is to say goodbye to everything I once was.
I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.
I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!
I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)
I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.
Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.
I feel a lot happier :)
I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.
I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!
I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)
I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.
Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.
I feel a lot happier :)
Monday, 9 May 2011
Bye to BYA
Last week I resigned as a Beat Young Ambassador and I feel much better for having done so.
Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)
I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!
Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.
Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.
Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.
So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.
But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:
I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.
And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)
Wish me luck :)
Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)
I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!
Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.
Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.
Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.
So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.
But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:
I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.
And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)
Wish me luck :)
Monday, 29 November 2010
The Struggle of Christmas
I wrote this article for my portfolio of university last year. Let me know what you think:
“Even being a recovered anorexic, Christmas is the time of year that I dread most. There is so much focus on food. Every year, I’ve tried to make an effort and considering five years ago, my Christmas dinner consisted of cheese, a few potatoes and some vegetables, I think I’ve done well. Yet still every Christmas day, my first thought is not of excitement of presents and spending the day with family, mine is terror. I’m scared of having to struggle through a huge amount of food and making room for pudding too.
“I first became aware of the amount of food I was eating six years ago. It was my first year at college and I felt completely out of my depth. I wasn’t one of the cleverest anymore as I had been at school. I’d never had a boyfriend and throughout my last two years at school one boy constantly called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘dog’ until I believed him completely. My friends were picking on me and I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
“At first all I wanted was to lose a few pounds as I felt it would make my life better. But then anorexia became the one thing I was good at and the one thing I could control in my life. Losing weight wasn’t about being thin. It was my way to disappear. If I was invisible, nobody could pick on me.
“Being 5”11 and naturally thin, my family didn’t realise until my weight started to drop drastically. Yet strangely, I found it easier to skip food once my Mam knew, as she wouldn’t make me huge meals that I had to get rid of. In fact, I started to manage to go four days without food. Going to bed after eating nothing felt like such an achievement.
“Unfortunately being 17 at the time, it was hard to find help. The children’s specialised unit at Newcastle General Hospital only took me on as a patient because I had a dangerously low body mass index.
“Hearing that I could die in a matter of weeks was a shock to me. I hadn’t realised how serious it had become. I was told my brain had shrunk, my heart had started to eat itself and I was probably suffering from osteoporosis.
“Due to a lack of beds, I was made an outpatient. Although we need to improve services for sufferers, I am glad that I never had to endure being on a ward. The experience of being tube fed and being in an unnatural environment.
“I was kept at home under my Mam’s 24-hour supervision, except when she had to do an errand. I would always have what she called an “episode”, where anorexia would scream and cuss at me as no one was around to help me control her. The first time it happened my Mam was shocked as she hadn’t known about the evil, manipulative voice in my head which turned her daughter into a mischievous, lying, selfish monster.
“My first years of recovery were unsuccessful. I refused to accept I was anorexic and would either argue with the doctors or sit in silence when they tried to help me. Plus they stopped my whole life. I couldn’t go out, drive, go to college, go on holiday, nothing. I only put on a slight amount of weight; to the point the unit would threaten they would section me.
“When I was transferred to the adult unit at 18, I found I got on better because my therapist actually helped me with my thoughts, instead of just concentrating on my weight. When I started university though, I had a relapse because I wasn’t used to eating lunch on my own. I was told if I didn’t start making an effort with my weight, I would be discharged and sent to a normal counsellor and I would never recover from anorexia. It’s hard to explain but something clicked. I didn’t want to be an anorexic forever, living this desperately lonely life.
“It also helped that I was at university. Even though college and doctors stated point blank I wouldn’t get there. I’d also gotten a bar job, where I met people my own age, got invited out and became more confident. Putting myself out into the world and taking a chance has reminded me what I want to achieve. Last year I travelled to New Zealand on my own and had the BEST time ever! Recovery should be about experiencing life, not being punished. It’s about finding out who you are, making new friends, laughter, passing your driving test. Falling in love, going to dance class to use your body for a purpose and realising the world isn’t a scary place and perfection does not exist.
“I’m still on my long journey of recovery and I doubt I will ever be able to hold my hand up and say “ I like the person I am” but I do feel slightly happier.
“So this year I’m going to try my hardest at Christmas and make my family smile. Plus after six years of avoiding it, I’ve started to eat chocolate again so maybe I’ll enjoy my advent calendar too!”
“Even being a recovered anorexic, Christmas is the time of year that I dread most. There is so much focus on food. Every year, I’ve tried to make an effort and considering five years ago, my Christmas dinner consisted of cheese, a few potatoes and some vegetables, I think I’ve done well. Yet still every Christmas day, my first thought is not of excitement of presents and spending the day with family, mine is terror. I’m scared of having to struggle through a huge amount of food and making room for pudding too.
“I first became aware of the amount of food I was eating six years ago. It was my first year at college and I felt completely out of my depth. I wasn’t one of the cleverest anymore as I had been at school. I’d never had a boyfriend and throughout my last two years at school one boy constantly called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘dog’ until I believed him completely. My friends were picking on me and I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
“At first all I wanted was to lose a few pounds as I felt it would make my life better. But then anorexia became the one thing I was good at and the one thing I could control in my life. Losing weight wasn’t about being thin. It was my way to disappear. If I was invisible, nobody could pick on me.
“Being 5”11 and naturally thin, my family didn’t realise until my weight started to drop drastically. Yet strangely, I found it easier to skip food once my Mam knew, as she wouldn’t make me huge meals that I had to get rid of. In fact, I started to manage to go four days without food. Going to bed after eating nothing felt like such an achievement.
“Unfortunately being 17 at the time, it was hard to find help. The children’s specialised unit at Newcastle General Hospital only took me on as a patient because I had a dangerously low body mass index.
“Hearing that I could die in a matter of weeks was a shock to me. I hadn’t realised how serious it had become. I was told my brain had shrunk, my heart had started to eat itself and I was probably suffering from osteoporosis.
“Due to a lack of beds, I was made an outpatient. Although we need to improve services for sufferers, I am glad that I never had to endure being on a ward. The experience of being tube fed and being in an unnatural environment.
“I was kept at home under my Mam’s 24-hour supervision, except when she had to do an errand. I would always have what she called an “episode”, where anorexia would scream and cuss at me as no one was around to help me control her. The first time it happened my Mam was shocked as she hadn’t known about the evil, manipulative voice in my head which turned her daughter into a mischievous, lying, selfish monster.
“My first years of recovery were unsuccessful. I refused to accept I was anorexic and would either argue with the doctors or sit in silence when they tried to help me. Plus they stopped my whole life. I couldn’t go out, drive, go to college, go on holiday, nothing. I only put on a slight amount of weight; to the point the unit would threaten they would section me.
“When I was transferred to the adult unit at 18, I found I got on better because my therapist actually helped me with my thoughts, instead of just concentrating on my weight. When I started university though, I had a relapse because I wasn’t used to eating lunch on my own. I was told if I didn’t start making an effort with my weight, I would be discharged and sent to a normal counsellor and I would never recover from anorexia. It’s hard to explain but something clicked. I didn’t want to be an anorexic forever, living this desperately lonely life.
“It also helped that I was at university. Even though college and doctors stated point blank I wouldn’t get there. I’d also gotten a bar job, where I met people my own age, got invited out and became more confident. Putting myself out into the world and taking a chance has reminded me what I want to achieve. Last year I travelled to New Zealand on my own and had the BEST time ever! Recovery should be about experiencing life, not being punished. It’s about finding out who you are, making new friends, laughter, passing your driving test. Falling in love, going to dance class to use your body for a purpose and realising the world isn’t a scary place and perfection does not exist.
“I’m still on my long journey of recovery and I doubt I will ever be able to hold my hand up and say “ I like the person I am” but I do feel slightly happier.
“So this year I’m going to try my hardest at Christmas and make my family smile. Plus after six years of avoiding it, I’ve started to eat chocolate again so maybe I’ll enjoy my advent calendar too!”
Saturday, 20 November 2010
I've come a long way!
With recovery or even being almost recovered, it is easy to forget how much things have actually changed. So I've decided to list all of the things I can do now =] Hopefully it will motivate you too or just make you smile.
1. I laugh at things now.
2. I listen to music.
3. I can concentrate on a good book.
4. I can drive and have owned two cars.
5. I can get on a bus, a train or a plane. (When I was ill, I wasn't allowed to travel)
6. I like going clothes shopping.
7. I cook things out of pleasure.
8. I can eat in public, in front of strangers and at all times of the day.
9. I eat a variety of foods.
10. I have learned how to relax - I can just sit and watch a DVD; not thinking that I'm being lazy.
11. I can have a proper bath (When I was ill, I was only allowed to be in a few inches of water)
12. I have my privacy back.
13. I can walk as I have the strength now.
14. I can drink alcohol.
15. I eat ice cream and sweets when I want to.
16. I can have a job and have had many!
17. I have had boyfriends and am interested in boys.
18. I am attractive to the other sex.
19. I can go on holidays.
20. I have more concentration.
21. I can hold a conversation.
22. I am Rachel; not an anorexic!
1. I laugh at things now.
2. I listen to music.
3. I can concentrate on a good book.
4. I can drive and have owned two cars.
5. I can get on a bus, a train or a plane. (When I was ill, I wasn't allowed to travel)
6. I like going clothes shopping.
7. I cook things out of pleasure.
8. I can eat in public, in front of strangers and at all times of the day.
9. I eat a variety of foods.
10. I have learned how to relax - I can just sit and watch a DVD; not thinking that I'm being lazy.
11. I can have a proper bath (When I was ill, I was only allowed to be in a few inches of water)
12. I have my privacy back.
13. I can walk as I have the strength now.
14. I can drink alcohol.
15. I eat ice cream and sweets when I want to.
16. I can have a job and have had many!
17. I have had boyfriends and am interested in boys.
18. I am attractive to the other sex.
19. I can go on holidays.
20. I have more concentration.
21. I can hold a conversation.
22. I am Rachel; not an anorexic!
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