A Struggle With The Present

Okay so today I am wearing pretty colours for my new happy, healthy future as well as my lush Once upon a time necklace as I do hope to achieve my dreams. So why am I feeling completely miserable then?

I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.

My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.

I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!

When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.

After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.

And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)

Bye to BYA

Last week I resigned as a Beat Young Ambassador and I feel much better for having done so.

Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)

I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!

Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.

Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.

Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.

So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.

But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:

I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.

And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)

Wish me luck :)

Letter to My Body

So Northumberland College had a fashion show - which looked great - and they asked us at Beat to write a letter to our bodies. They read our stories/poems out and put some on the clothes. Very exciting!

Here is my letter:

Dear Rachel’s body,

I may not completely like you yet but I recognize the wonderful things you do. You allow me to dance out with my friends; to skip; to go walking; to play with my nephews, crawling around the soft play areas!

I took you for granted before. Then I set out to destroy you when anorexia took over us both. Yet you proved to be strong and I am thankful for that. If I’d died, I would never have met my gorgeous nephews, I wouldn’t have completed a degree and a MA, I would not be living in Australia and I would never have been a Beat ambassador, hopefully helping others gain strength against their eating disorder.

I appreciate my curves now. After all, boys certainly like them! Having a healthy body makes me smile, glow and feel like a human being. I look like a woman now, not a little girl and I’m proud of that. I love having boobs and my long legs!

I guess what I’m saying is sorry for the pain I put you through but thank you for letting me learn to love myself, curves and all!

Rachel

Surviving anorexia

An article about me and my struggle with anorexia for my project:

Rachel Cowey was seventeen years old when she nearly died from anorexia. As she enters the final stages of recovery, she shares her story with Teen Vogue.

“I was sixteen when I first started using food as a way to control bad things in my life. If I was sad or thought I had upset somebody else or I hadn’t done exceptionally well at school, I wouldn’t eat. Pretty soon, I had a full blown eating disorder to the point that the thought of food made me sick.
It wasn’t about being thin to me; I wanted to disappear. I thought if I was invisible no body could pick on me anymore and nobody would see how ugly I was.
My family and friends started to worry about me as I lost more and more weight. My dad didn’t understand, he thought I was doing it for attention. My mam was frustrated because she couldn’t find any medical help who would take the situation seriously.
Ironically I only got professional help because of how emaciated I had become. To me though, I was fat; not skinny and I certainly didn’t have anorexia. It took me awhile to admit I had a problem, probably at the same time I looked at photos of myself and realised how ill I was.
The unit stopped my life. There were no beds available so I was made an outpatient under my mam’s 24/7 supervision and care. I couldn’t drive, go to work or college. I couldn’t go out with my friends or go on holiday. It felt like I was being punished for a crime I hadn’t committed. But because I could potentially die at any minute, I couldn’t do anything strenuous.
Recovery was a very long process, with me moving on to adult services along the way. What most people don’t realise is eating disorders are mental illnesses. It wasn’t just weight I had to gain, but to win a battle against the voice in my head.
It took me 18 months to finally decide I wanted to recover and then a further nine months to achieve my target weight. I was discharged last year, with a request from my therapist: she never wants to see me back there!
I am in the last stages of recovery now. Although I lead a typical twenty-something lifestyle and eat normally, occasionally I get very upset and resort to controlling my food intake to make myself feel better.
I do believe recovery is possible. I am now in my fifth year of being a young ambassador for Beat (national charity for eating disorders). We promote the message that eating disorders can be beaten and try to raise awareness. I have given presentations at international conferences and the House of Commons. I regularly give media interviews and am a mentor.
I just want to make something positive out of everything that has happened to me.”

Home town...

... Thinking about my home town has made me stop and question my struggle with self-esteem. Maybe the world I have surrounded myself there has further fuelled my self-hatred. And even though I am in Australia I am still tied to it in a way. I know that when I go back home, I need to stay away from that world. I need to work outside of it, socialise outside of it. Of course I will still have my same friends but I don't want the night life that goes with it.

In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.

There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.

And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.

I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)

Me...

I have been a Beat ambassador for five years this September. Beat is the leading charity for eating disorders in the UK and possibly Europe too. They are dedicated to raising awareness in schools, the government, the media etc. They want to improve services and support sufferers.

Check them out at www.b-eat.co.uk

This blog is to record my efforts as a Beat ambassador =]