As you may know I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. In fact I have struggled a lot more in Australia than I have let on to anybody. So when I saw a triggering photo, it set off my underlying problems and I began to do all my bad habits again.
Until I got ill. my inflamed sternum flared up after all the exercise I had done; I was dizzy due to restricting and vomiting; I had insane stomach cramps; I couldnt be bothered to do anything; I had a cold because my immune system is rubbish anyway from anorexia.
Having to stop and rest made me think. Was it really all worth it? Of course not.
Anorexia is lonely and tiring.
Anorexia makes me sick, snappy and moody.
Anorexia strips away the person I am.
Anorexia makes me into a girl not a woman.
Anorexic is not who I am anymore.
I have come too far in my recovery to let anorexia take over my life again. I have too many ambitions and dreams that I want to achieve. I sure as hell dont want to go backwards; back to a life of nothing.
So goodbye anorexia. You cant fool me this time!
Sunday 20 February 2011
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Little Things
I apologise but I am struggling at the moment. I hate it because I want to show recovery is possible and yet I am doing all my bad habits. I dont want to be down on my blog though so just wanted to share some little insights; things I wouldnt have been able to do :)
I went swimming the other week with my cousin and housemate. Imagine my shock that there are no changing cubicles and women just walk around naked. I changed in the toilet that day. But I have been twice on my own now and something hit me: these women dont care what I look like; they dont care what they look like. No one is looking at anyone and its all shapes and sizes. So I didnt hide away. I unashamedly undressed in front of others! Go me!
I have been eating better in Australia with a more varied meal plan because when you live at someone else's house you just eat what you are given and whatever time it is given.
From travelling long haul flights, I have learnt to just eat when my aeroplane meal is given. No structured times here - it is out of my control! Although I do suggest getting vegan meals as they're a lot nicer and more manageable :)
I went swimming the other week with my cousin and housemate. Imagine my shock that there are no changing cubicles and women just walk around naked. I changed in the toilet that day. But I have been twice on my own now and something hit me: these women dont care what I look like; they dont care what they look like. No one is looking at anyone and its all shapes and sizes. So I didnt hide away. I unashamedly undressed in front of others! Go me!
I have been eating better in Australia with a more varied meal plan because when you live at someone else's house you just eat what you are given and whatever time it is given.
From travelling long haul flights, I have learnt to just eat when my aeroplane meal is given. No structured times here - it is out of my control! Although I do suggest getting vegan meals as they're a lot nicer and more manageable :)
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