After posting my article on regaining my creativity, I realised I should finish detailing my year of travelling and charity work from April onwards. :)
I never did get round to making any of my own clothes but hopefully by the time I get home from Australia, my Mam will have installed a sewing machine in our redecorated spare room!
I continued my planned travels of Rome – I loved just wandering around the back streets and having ice cream at the Trevi Fountain -, Skiathos with my Mam and of course Wimbledon, Centre Court on the second day of play with lots of Pimms, darling!
These holidays would have been enough for anyone but as the avid traveller that I am, I managed to fit in rather a lot more! There were two more trips to London for Beat ambassador meetings. I hadn’t been to one in about two years, meaning I was increasingly nervous. I was worried about being the biggest one there, even though I am almost recovered. Although I do have feelings of inadequacy at the meetings now, I am glad I went as I now have a group of amazing friends who understand me like nobody else can.
I went to Leeds with fellow ambassador Laura for a little trip; I visited fellow ambassador Jolene in Liverpool, saw where the Beatles became famous and had a big night out – we also saw another fellow ambassador Kel; I went twice to Southampton to visit my gorgeous nephews, where we went to a soft play area and I was the one who got injured!
And now I am in Australia, living in Sydney, my biggest travels yet. I went to New Zealand for Christmas where I had my first warm Xmas with a BBQ and a walk on the beach. So surreal!
My charity work has consisted of a lot of media interviews, research and helping to make the new web site, My Personal Best. In June, I got the amazing opportunity to go to the Health and Well Being for young people conference in Rome. It was a three day conference, where Hannah and I attended the eating disorders workshop. There is more on this on older posts :)
In September, I attended the memorial service for those who have lost their lives to an eating disorder. It was a beautiful service and I actually felt positive afterwards. I shouldn’t let silly people get to me when I have survived an eating disorder. I owe it to those who died to make the most of my own life; I survived for a reason: to help others.
This day I had already appeared in my local newspaper (I have a great rapport with them now and have appeared in three more times!) and spoken on Radio Newcastle. At the service, Beat decided to use me for all the interviews since I ‘am so good at it!’ I did interviews for Smooth Radio, Radio 5 and ITV news.
In October, Metro Radio came to my house to interview me about the memorial service. They came again to ask for my views on the adult unit at the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle, where I went to, being moved to Darlington. My views against it were aired alongside a professional who agreed with the move. Happily my old adult unit has been saved; they have even increased their beds from five to ten! I like to hope what I said helped in some way.
Also in October, I spoke at the Annual Convention for Secretaries in Durham after my Mam’s boss requested that I be one of their speakers. It was slightly nerve racking but hey I have done this many times before! My Mam never normally sits in on my presentations but I persuaded her to this time. However, she and her colleagues all cried! I also received a standing ovation and a huge boquet of flowers! Everyone came to offer me praise: these are the times I actually feel proud of myself. And this is why I will always continue to speak truthfully and honestly about my battle with anorexia.
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
Okay, this time I am using my blog to ask for advice :)
I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.
I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.
I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.
I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.
I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.
I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.
Curvelicious!
This was a piece I wrote for LGN events during my fashion intern for them :)
Lying on a sun bed on holiday, sweltering in the heat, the last thing I want to look at is woolly jumpers and fur coats. Yet this year, I was actually pleased with the magazines. And why? The statement that curves are back!
Although I am slim myself, I’ve become bored with the fashion and media Industry’s obsession with size zero, especially when only about one percent of us could actually gain such a small figure.
However, autumn/winter 2010 seems to have turned its back on the size zero epidemic. Designers instead are celebrating women!! Proper womanly bodies, with breasts and hips.
There was “All Woman” at Louis Vuitton with boned corsets and grown up circle skirts. “Hourglass” was celebrated at Dolce and Gabbana who showcased corsets and roses into womanly shapes. It is time to be your favourite Jane Austen character with a heaving cleavage and tiny waist.
The must-have pieces are corsets, nipped-in at the waist dresses and pencil skirts. Think Mad Men’s Betty Draper as your role model.
I am interested to see how the high street will incorporate these feminine trends. And whether curves will finally evolve from a gimmicky trend to something considered normal.
Hmmmm well we shall wait and see ;)
Lying on a sun bed on holiday, sweltering in the heat, the last thing I want to look at is woolly jumpers and fur coats. Yet this year, I was actually pleased with the magazines. And why? The statement that curves are back!
Although I am slim myself, I’ve become bored with the fashion and media Industry’s obsession with size zero, especially when only about one percent of us could actually gain such a small figure.
However, autumn/winter 2010 seems to have turned its back on the size zero epidemic. Designers instead are celebrating women!! Proper womanly bodies, with breasts and hips.
There was “All Woman” at Louis Vuitton with boned corsets and grown up circle skirts. “Hourglass” was celebrated at Dolce and Gabbana who showcased corsets and roses into womanly shapes. It is time to be your favourite Jane Austen character with a heaving cleavage and tiny waist.
The must-have pieces are corsets, nipped-in at the waist dresses and pencil skirts. Think Mad Men’s Betty Draper as your role model.
I am interested to see how the high street will incorporate these feminine trends. And whether curves will finally evolve from a gimmicky trend to something considered normal.
Hmmmm well we shall wait and see ;)
Making 2010 a great year :)
This is a piece I wrote at the start of the year:
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
Friday 17 December 2010
20 Things I Have Achieved This Year...
So here's another thing I read in a magazine - Frankie - writing down twenty of the things you've achieved in 2010. Here is mine:
1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.
1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.
My Life In Australia
This is sort of to remind me that I should be happy in Sydney. Yes I dont quite feel myself here and nor do I have friends of my own except at work but I am working on what I set out to do - gain as much experience as possible and become more confident.
So here it is:
Employed by Momentum Promotions,
Fragrance promoter in Myer,
Beat ambassador (overseas),
Volunteer for The Butterfly Foundation,
Writer for My Personal Best web site,
Writer for All Walks Beyond The Catwalk blog,
Author of Showing Recovery Is Possible and A Geordie Girl In Sydney blogs,
Member of Book Club,
Self-promoter of positive body image on Twitter,
Tourist and holiday Rachel,
Studying a fashion course,
Fashion intern with LGN events,
Had work experience with Marie Claire.
So here it is:
Employed by Momentum Promotions,
Fragrance promoter in Myer,
Beat ambassador (overseas),
Volunteer for The Butterfly Foundation,
Writer for My Personal Best web site,
Writer for All Walks Beyond The Catwalk blog,
Author of Showing Recovery Is Possible and A Geordie Girl In Sydney blogs,
Member of Book Club,
Self-promoter of positive body image on Twitter,
Tourist and holiday Rachel,
Studying a fashion course,
Fashion intern with LGN events,
Had work experience with Marie Claire.
Alternative Realities
I read a great trilogy the other week, the first book being A Crack In The Line, about different realities - how every time you make a decision, in an alternative reality another version of you is taking the other option of the decision. It made me think about different realities of myself - if anorexia had or had not darkened my door.
1. Rachel that didnt have anorexia; did a Triple Qualification at University spending a year in France and a year in Germany and now maybe works for the UN.
2. Rachel who was anorexic; then took a year off when she was told she would fail her A-Levels. She did a degree in journalism. Lives in London, a journalist.
3. Rachel who was anorexic; went to university etc but this Rachel actually did go to Germany instead of going to hospital for a serious case of self harm.
4. Rachel who went to Australia last year with her friend and wouldn't have had her heart broken many more times by her ex.
5. And sadly the Rachel who did die from anorexia.
I think I am quite glad to be in my reality with my BA Hons in French and German and my MA in magazine journalism :) Plus I am alive; I beat anorexia!
1. Rachel that didnt have anorexia; did a Triple Qualification at University spending a year in France and a year in Germany and now maybe works for the UN.
2. Rachel who was anorexic; then took a year off when she was told she would fail her A-Levels. She did a degree in journalism. Lives in London, a journalist.
3. Rachel who was anorexic; went to university etc but this Rachel actually did go to Germany instead of going to hospital for a serious case of self harm.
4. Rachel who went to Australia last year with her friend and wouldn't have had her heart broken many more times by her ex.
5. And sadly the Rachel who did die from anorexia.
I think I am quite glad to be in my reality with my BA Hons in French and German and my MA in magazine journalism :) Plus I am alive; I beat anorexia!
Monday 6 December 2010
Worry Mind
One of my biggest flaws is that I think too much. I worry about the littlest things to the point I can't sleep and I get a bad head!
So what is on my mind at the moment?
That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.
I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.
And yet I still worry.
I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.
I hope I am worrying for nothing!
So what is on my mind at the moment?
That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.
I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.
And yet I still worry.
I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.
I hope I am worrying for nothing!
Tuesday 30 November 2010
Fitting In
Not once in my 23 years have I ever felt like I fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at university, not in any of my jobs, not in my family and not with my friends.
In junior school, I didn’t fit in because my Mam stuffed me in frilly dresses until I was 11 whilst everyone else was wearing trackies. This resulted in me being picked on, and then retaliating by refusing to wear dresses again until I was fifteen.
In senior school, I didn’t fit in because I didn’t get pocket money so I couldn’t buy clothes that everybody else had set as the trend.
I never fitted in because I had older parents than everyone else. Once somebody thought they were my grandparents! I am not ashamed of having older parents; it was one more factor that made me different.
In college, I became an outcast because of my anorexia, First year; I curled into myself for protection. I was quiet, a shadow of my former self. I was snappy and moody, obsessed with my eating disorder, unaware of anything happening around me. Second year, I was a prisoner in my own home, only allowed out for ‘good behaviour’ and a few college lessons. I was the girl known as anorexic Rachel.
In University, I didn’t fit in as I was attempting to find the real Rachel again. Who I was, what my dreams were, whether or not I wanted to let go of anorexia, my safety blanket. I spent the first two years avoiding being around people at lunch time. I didn’t lead a party lifestyle, I was too weak and I didn’t know how to interact with people my own age.
In my first bar job, I didn’t fit in because I hadn’t been around people my own age for too long. I’d never had a boyfriend; I couldn’t drive; I hadn’t been on a wild night out since I was 16.
Yet this job was my entry back into a young person’s life. I made more friends, I went out after work, I started attracting and being attracted to boys, I had a boyfriend, I passed my driving test.
However I still feel different to other people my age, even now. I’ve been through more traumatic events than the vast majority as well as experiences I never would have had, if I’d never been anorexic. I have conquered the illness that wanted me dead; I have battled to get treatment; I have had far too many blood tests; I have had to reveal personal thoughts to more people than I dare count. I have had doctors stare at me as if I’m insane; I have had people doubt my ability and state that I am going to fail college. I have had people shout out about my illness in the middle of a night club; I have witnessed my half sister and cousin being too scared to talk to me. I could go on and on. All these events account for my personality but they are also the reasons why I stand out.
My positive experiences from anorexia are something else that makes me different as none of my friends have done anything like them before. I have met my local MP; I have given presentations at the House of Commons, to professionals and to the youth parliament. I have been on the radio; I have been in magazines and newspapers. I recently appeared on the front page of my local paper. I have travelled to New Zealand twice on my own; I have met truly wonderful people who have also been anorexic. I have grown closer to my Mam; I am more aware of other people and their own emotions; I have been involved in re-vamping a national charity; I have been in a media summit. Again my list is endless. Again people can’t relate to it. Although I am no longer ill, anorexia will always be a part of my identity because it made me the person I am today.
I am unlike a lot of my peers in other ways too. I am a doer and a perfectionist. I don’t stay in bed all day; I don’t watch TV all the time (in fact I don’t even have a TV in my room!); I don’t want a boyfriend; I don’t want to go on a rave holiday. I like walks in the countryside, sketching, getting lost in a book, making scrap books, collecting foreign magazines, learning languages, day dreaming, being with my family and writing my diary. I like making cards for people or writing them random notes and letters to let them know I care. Yes, I like doing what other 23 year olds do – going out clubbing, getting drunk, going to the cinema, shopping, make-up, flirting, going on dates and being admired. There’s just more to me than that.
What it has taken me a long time to accept, is that it is okay to be different. I would rather be me, than be a clone of somebody else. I’d rather know that there is only one Rachel Lauren Cowey and there never will be anyone else quite like me. That’s something to be proud of. I am not going to be ashamed of myself anymore nor will I apologise for the person I am.
In junior school, I didn’t fit in because my Mam stuffed me in frilly dresses until I was 11 whilst everyone else was wearing trackies. This resulted in me being picked on, and then retaliating by refusing to wear dresses again until I was fifteen.
In senior school, I didn’t fit in because I didn’t get pocket money so I couldn’t buy clothes that everybody else had set as the trend.
I never fitted in because I had older parents than everyone else. Once somebody thought they were my grandparents! I am not ashamed of having older parents; it was one more factor that made me different.
In college, I became an outcast because of my anorexia, First year; I curled into myself for protection. I was quiet, a shadow of my former self. I was snappy and moody, obsessed with my eating disorder, unaware of anything happening around me. Second year, I was a prisoner in my own home, only allowed out for ‘good behaviour’ and a few college lessons. I was the girl known as anorexic Rachel.
In University, I didn’t fit in as I was attempting to find the real Rachel again. Who I was, what my dreams were, whether or not I wanted to let go of anorexia, my safety blanket. I spent the first two years avoiding being around people at lunch time. I didn’t lead a party lifestyle, I was too weak and I didn’t know how to interact with people my own age.
In my first bar job, I didn’t fit in because I hadn’t been around people my own age for too long. I’d never had a boyfriend; I couldn’t drive; I hadn’t been on a wild night out since I was 16.
Yet this job was my entry back into a young person’s life. I made more friends, I went out after work, I started attracting and being attracted to boys, I had a boyfriend, I passed my driving test.
However I still feel different to other people my age, even now. I’ve been through more traumatic events than the vast majority as well as experiences I never would have had, if I’d never been anorexic. I have conquered the illness that wanted me dead; I have battled to get treatment; I have had far too many blood tests; I have had to reveal personal thoughts to more people than I dare count. I have had doctors stare at me as if I’m insane; I have had people doubt my ability and state that I am going to fail college. I have had people shout out about my illness in the middle of a night club; I have witnessed my half sister and cousin being too scared to talk to me. I could go on and on. All these events account for my personality but they are also the reasons why I stand out.
My positive experiences from anorexia are something else that makes me different as none of my friends have done anything like them before. I have met my local MP; I have given presentations at the House of Commons, to professionals and to the youth parliament. I have been on the radio; I have been in magazines and newspapers. I recently appeared on the front page of my local paper. I have travelled to New Zealand twice on my own; I have met truly wonderful people who have also been anorexic. I have grown closer to my Mam; I am more aware of other people and their own emotions; I have been involved in re-vamping a national charity; I have been in a media summit. Again my list is endless. Again people can’t relate to it. Although I am no longer ill, anorexia will always be a part of my identity because it made me the person I am today.
I am unlike a lot of my peers in other ways too. I am a doer and a perfectionist. I don’t stay in bed all day; I don’t watch TV all the time (in fact I don’t even have a TV in my room!); I don’t want a boyfriend; I don’t want to go on a rave holiday. I like walks in the countryside, sketching, getting lost in a book, making scrap books, collecting foreign magazines, learning languages, day dreaming, being with my family and writing my diary. I like making cards for people or writing them random notes and letters to let them know I care. Yes, I like doing what other 23 year olds do – going out clubbing, getting drunk, going to the cinema, shopping, make-up, flirting, going on dates and being admired. There’s just more to me than that.
What it has taken me a long time to accept, is that it is okay to be different. I would rather be me, than be a clone of somebody else. I’d rather know that there is only one Rachel Lauren Cowey and there never will be anyone else quite like me. That’s something to be proud of. I am not going to be ashamed of myself anymore nor will I apologise for the person I am.
Monday 29 November 2010
A Confession
I have yet to properly talk to anyone about this. My therapist knew but I dont see her anymore; people in my home town believe they know me enough to spread gossip about it. I wanted to speak out on my blog as I dont have anyone who understands me. I also wanted to share some useful links for anyone else suffering.
So what am I confessing to?
My battle with self-harm which has gone on for seven years now, including hospital visits and embarrassing trips to pharmacies where my brother forced me to tell the pharmacist what I had done to myself.
I have had people ask about my cuts or scars with me hiding in myself not wanting them to know. I have had someone go up to my then boyfriend to say yeah I was lovely but did he know I cut myself? I have also had the same boyfriend tell me he tried to self harm when he was feeling down and to try to understand why I did it. This made me sad that I am in a way influencing people to self harm too.
Here are some links I have found useful:
www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm
www.freewebs.com/selfharm_help/
teenadvice.about.com/od/.../Cutting_Branding_Self_Injury.htm
www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=43
www.harmless.org.uk/
http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads.html
So what am I confessing to?
My battle with self-harm which has gone on for seven years now, including hospital visits and embarrassing trips to pharmacies where my brother forced me to tell the pharmacist what I had done to myself.
I have had people ask about my cuts or scars with me hiding in myself not wanting them to know. I have had someone go up to my then boyfriend to say yeah I was lovely but did he know I cut myself? I have also had the same boyfriend tell me he tried to self harm when he was feeling down and to try to understand why I did it. This made me sad that I am in a way influencing people to self harm too.
Here are some links I have found useful:
www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm
www.freewebs.com/selfharm_help/
teenadvice.about.com/od/.../Cutting_Branding_Self_Injury.htm
www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=43
www.harmless.org.uk/
http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads.html
The Struggle of Christmas
I wrote this article for my portfolio of university last year. Let me know what you think:
“Even being a recovered anorexic, Christmas is the time of year that I dread most. There is so much focus on food. Every year, I’ve tried to make an effort and considering five years ago, my Christmas dinner consisted of cheese, a few potatoes and some vegetables, I think I’ve done well. Yet still every Christmas day, my first thought is not of excitement of presents and spending the day with family, mine is terror. I’m scared of having to struggle through a huge amount of food and making room for pudding too.
“I first became aware of the amount of food I was eating six years ago. It was my first year at college and I felt completely out of my depth. I wasn’t one of the cleverest anymore as I had been at school. I’d never had a boyfriend and throughout my last two years at school one boy constantly called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘dog’ until I believed him completely. My friends were picking on me and I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
“At first all I wanted was to lose a few pounds as I felt it would make my life better. But then anorexia became the one thing I was good at and the one thing I could control in my life. Losing weight wasn’t about being thin. It was my way to disappear. If I was invisible, nobody could pick on me.
“Being 5”11 and naturally thin, my family didn’t realise until my weight started to drop drastically. Yet strangely, I found it easier to skip food once my Mam knew, as she wouldn’t make me huge meals that I had to get rid of. In fact, I started to manage to go four days without food. Going to bed after eating nothing felt like such an achievement.
“Unfortunately being 17 at the time, it was hard to find help. The children’s specialised unit at Newcastle General Hospital only took me on as a patient because I had a dangerously low body mass index.
“Hearing that I could die in a matter of weeks was a shock to me. I hadn’t realised how serious it had become. I was told my brain had shrunk, my heart had started to eat itself and I was probably suffering from osteoporosis.
“Due to a lack of beds, I was made an outpatient. Although we need to improve services for sufferers, I am glad that I never had to endure being on a ward. The experience of being tube fed and being in an unnatural environment.
“I was kept at home under my Mam’s 24-hour supervision, except when she had to do an errand. I would always have what she called an “episode”, where anorexia would scream and cuss at me as no one was around to help me control her. The first time it happened my Mam was shocked as she hadn’t known about the evil, manipulative voice in my head which turned her daughter into a mischievous, lying, selfish monster.
“My first years of recovery were unsuccessful. I refused to accept I was anorexic and would either argue with the doctors or sit in silence when they tried to help me. Plus they stopped my whole life. I couldn’t go out, drive, go to college, go on holiday, nothing. I only put on a slight amount of weight; to the point the unit would threaten they would section me.
“When I was transferred to the adult unit at 18, I found I got on better because my therapist actually helped me with my thoughts, instead of just concentrating on my weight. When I started university though, I had a relapse because I wasn’t used to eating lunch on my own. I was told if I didn’t start making an effort with my weight, I would be discharged and sent to a normal counsellor and I would never recover from anorexia. It’s hard to explain but something clicked. I didn’t want to be an anorexic forever, living this desperately lonely life.
“It also helped that I was at university. Even though college and doctors stated point blank I wouldn’t get there. I’d also gotten a bar job, where I met people my own age, got invited out and became more confident. Putting myself out into the world and taking a chance has reminded me what I want to achieve. Last year I travelled to New Zealand on my own and had the BEST time ever! Recovery should be about experiencing life, not being punished. It’s about finding out who you are, making new friends, laughter, passing your driving test. Falling in love, going to dance class to use your body for a purpose and realising the world isn’t a scary place and perfection does not exist.
“I’m still on my long journey of recovery and I doubt I will ever be able to hold my hand up and say “ I like the person I am” but I do feel slightly happier.
“So this year I’m going to try my hardest at Christmas and make my family smile. Plus after six years of avoiding it, I’ve started to eat chocolate again so maybe I’ll enjoy my advent calendar too!”
“Even being a recovered anorexic, Christmas is the time of year that I dread most. There is so much focus on food. Every year, I’ve tried to make an effort and considering five years ago, my Christmas dinner consisted of cheese, a few potatoes and some vegetables, I think I’ve done well. Yet still every Christmas day, my first thought is not of excitement of presents and spending the day with family, mine is terror. I’m scared of having to struggle through a huge amount of food and making room for pudding too.
“I first became aware of the amount of food I was eating six years ago. It was my first year at college and I felt completely out of my depth. I wasn’t one of the cleverest anymore as I had been at school. I’d never had a boyfriend and throughout my last two years at school one boy constantly called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘dog’ until I believed him completely. My friends were picking on me and I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
“At first all I wanted was to lose a few pounds as I felt it would make my life better. But then anorexia became the one thing I was good at and the one thing I could control in my life. Losing weight wasn’t about being thin. It was my way to disappear. If I was invisible, nobody could pick on me.
“Being 5”11 and naturally thin, my family didn’t realise until my weight started to drop drastically. Yet strangely, I found it easier to skip food once my Mam knew, as she wouldn’t make me huge meals that I had to get rid of. In fact, I started to manage to go four days without food. Going to bed after eating nothing felt like such an achievement.
“Unfortunately being 17 at the time, it was hard to find help. The children’s specialised unit at Newcastle General Hospital only took me on as a patient because I had a dangerously low body mass index.
“Hearing that I could die in a matter of weeks was a shock to me. I hadn’t realised how serious it had become. I was told my brain had shrunk, my heart had started to eat itself and I was probably suffering from osteoporosis.
“Due to a lack of beds, I was made an outpatient. Although we need to improve services for sufferers, I am glad that I never had to endure being on a ward. The experience of being tube fed and being in an unnatural environment.
“I was kept at home under my Mam’s 24-hour supervision, except when she had to do an errand. I would always have what she called an “episode”, where anorexia would scream and cuss at me as no one was around to help me control her. The first time it happened my Mam was shocked as she hadn’t known about the evil, manipulative voice in my head which turned her daughter into a mischievous, lying, selfish monster.
“My first years of recovery were unsuccessful. I refused to accept I was anorexic and would either argue with the doctors or sit in silence when they tried to help me. Plus they stopped my whole life. I couldn’t go out, drive, go to college, go on holiday, nothing. I only put on a slight amount of weight; to the point the unit would threaten they would section me.
“When I was transferred to the adult unit at 18, I found I got on better because my therapist actually helped me with my thoughts, instead of just concentrating on my weight. When I started university though, I had a relapse because I wasn’t used to eating lunch on my own. I was told if I didn’t start making an effort with my weight, I would be discharged and sent to a normal counsellor and I would never recover from anorexia. It’s hard to explain but something clicked. I didn’t want to be an anorexic forever, living this desperately lonely life.
“It also helped that I was at university. Even though college and doctors stated point blank I wouldn’t get there. I’d also gotten a bar job, where I met people my own age, got invited out and became more confident. Putting myself out into the world and taking a chance has reminded me what I want to achieve. Last year I travelled to New Zealand on my own and had the BEST time ever! Recovery should be about experiencing life, not being punished. It’s about finding out who you are, making new friends, laughter, passing your driving test. Falling in love, going to dance class to use your body for a purpose and realising the world isn’t a scary place and perfection does not exist.
“I’m still on my long journey of recovery and I doubt I will ever be able to hold my hand up and say “ I like the person I am” but I do feel slightly happier.
“So this year I’m going to try my hardest at Christmas and make my family smile. Plus after six years of avoiding it, I’ve started to eat chocolate again so maybe I’ll enjoy my advent calendar too!”
Surviving anorexia
An article about me and my struggle with anorexia for my project:
Rachel Cowey was seventeen years old when she nearly died from anorexia. As she enters the final stages of recovery, she shares her story with Teen Vogue.
“I was sixteen when I first started using food as a way to control bad things in my life. If I was sad or thought I had upset somebody else or I hadn’t done exceptionally well at school, I wouldn’t eat. Pretty soon, I had a full blown eating disorder to the point that the thought of food made me sick.
It wasn’t about being thin to me; I wanted to disappear. I thought if I was invisible no body could pick on me anymore and nobody would see how ugly I was.
My family and friends started to worry about me as I lost more and more weight. My dad didn’t understand, he thought I was doing it for attention. My mam was frustrated because she couldn’t find any medical help who would take the situation seriously.
Ironically I only got professional help because of how emaciated I had become. To me though, I was fat; not skinny and I certainly didn’t have anorexia. It took me awhile to admit I had a problem, probably at the same time I looked at photos of myself and realised how ill I was.
The unit stopped my life. There were no beds available so I was made an outpatient under my mam’s 24/7 supervision and care. I couldn’t drive, go to work or college. I couldn’t go out with my friends or go on holiday. It felt like I was being punished for a crime I hadn’t committed. But because I could potentially die at any minute, I couldn’t do anything strenuous.
Recovery was a very long process, with me moving on to adult services along the way. What most people don’t realise is eating disorders are mental illnesses. It wasn’t just weight I had to gain, but to win a battle against the voice in my head.
It took me 18 months to finally decide I wanted to recover and then a further nine months to achieve my target weight. I was discharged last year, with a request from my therapist: she never wants to see me back there!
I am in the last stages of recovery now. Although I lead a typical twenty-something lifestyle and eat normally, occasionally I get very upset and resort to controlling my food intake to make myself feel better.
I do believe recovery is possible. I am now in my fifth year of being a young ambassador for Beat (national charity for eating disorders). We promote the message that eating disorders can be beaten and try to raise awareness. I have given presentations at international conferences and the House of Commons. I regularly give media interviews and am a mentor.
I just want to make something positive out of everything that has happened to me.”
Rachel Cowey was seventeen years old when she nearly died from anorexia. As she enters the final stages of recovery, she shares her story with Teen Vogue.
“I was sixteen when I first started using food as a way to control bad things in my life. If I was sad or thought I had upset somebody else or I hadn’t done exceptionally well at school, I wouldn’t eat. Pretty soon, I had a full blown eating disorder to the point that the thought of food made me sick.
It wasn’t about being thin to me; I wanted to disappear. I thought if I was invisible no body could pick on me anymore and nobody would see how ugly I was.
My family and friends started to worry about me as I lost more and more weight. My dad didn’t understand, he thought I was doing it for attention. My mam was frustrated because she couldn’t find any medical help who would take the situation seriously.
Ironically I only got professional help because of how emaciated I had become. To me though, I was fat; not skinny and I certainly didn’t have anorexia. It took me awhile to admit I had a problem, probably at the same time I looked at photos of myself and realised how ill I was.
The unit stopped my life. There were no beds available so I was made an outpatient under my mam’s 24/7 supervision and care. I couldn’t drive, go to work or college. I couldn’t go out with my friends or go on holiday. It felt like I was being punished for a crime I hadn’t committed. But because I could potentially die at any minute, I couldn’t do anything strenuous.
Recovery was a very long process, with me moving on to adult services along the way. What most people don’t realise is eating disorders are mental illnesses. It wasn’t just weight I had to gain, but to win a battle against the voice in my head.
It took me 18 months to finally decide I wanted to recover and then a further nine months to achieve my target weight. I was discharged last year, with a request from my therapist: she never wants to see me back there!
I am in the last stages of recovery now. Although I lead a typical twenty-something lifestyle and eat normally, occasionally I get very upset and resort to controlling my food intake to make myself feel better.
I do believe recovery is possible. I am now in my fifth year of being a young ambassador for Beat (national charity for eating disorders). We promote the message that eating disorders can be beaten and try to raise awareness. I have given presentations at international conferences and the House of Commons. I regularly give media interviews and am a mentor.
I just want to make something positive out of everything that has happened to me.”
Feature On All Walks Beyond The Catwalk
People are talking about
“In terms of diversity having witnessed, against all odds, a man of colour take residency in the aptly called White House, my hope is – Yes, We CAN.”
Debra Bourne, Co. Founder, All Walks Beyond The Catwalk
Teen Vogue loves powerful women and this statement fills us with hope. So what is All Walks Beyond The Catwalk?
Originally Beat (The national charity for eating disorders), asked the British Fashion Council to create a fashion event about inspiring bodies. The idea was not accepted but Caryn Franklin (fashion expert and TV presenter), Debra Bourne and Erin O’Connor decided they could start up something similar: “a high level industry standard concept.”
The message behind All Walks Beyond The Catwalk is that all shapes, sizes and colour are beautiful. They would like more diversity on the catwalk and are creating imagery that reflects these values.
Firstly, there was the i-D shoot and then a launch party at the September ’09 London Fashion Week at Somerset House.
All Walks Beyond The Catwalk knows that the “perfect body” promoted by the fashion industry is not realistic: only two percent of the population can be a supermodel: we are all not 5”10 and a size six.
“Beauty is not a reflection of a perfect set of statistics”
Debra says: “Within the industry we are noticing people’s attitudes are changing. More curvy models are walking the runways and in magazine spreads. However the fashion industry does like a trend. At All Walks Beyond The Catwalk our work is committed to longevity beyond Trend Curve.”
All Walks Beyond The Catwalk gave their eight designers the opportunity to make a difference with their work. They were asked to consider the model’s own body before creating a piece.
They produced brochures, which were sent to every editor visiting London Fashion Week.
The web site has testimonials from designers and models, expressing the need for change.
Debra says: “We have witnessed designers like William Tempest, integrating the idea of diversity through model castings for the February 2010 catwalk shows. As well as Mark Fast, the designer we introduced to Hayley Morley, who is also continuing to work with models like Crystal Renn.
“We want to simply expand on what is on offer. Something as simple as showing models that represent a more realistic mirror to the women on the street in top end designer clothing. Not such a big deal.”
All Walks Beyond The Catwalk simply asks those of us in positions of power, can we change anything? Should we be listening to these statistics? (The increase in numbers of people suffering from eating disorders and other mental health issues.) Could we contribute positively to this matter? And creatively how might a return to acknowledging a more individual approach benefit?
“In terms of diversity having witnessed, against all odds, a man of colour take residency in the aptly called White House, my hope is – Yes, We CAN.”
Debra Bourne, Co. Founder, All Walks Beyond The Catwalk
Teen Vogue loves powerful women and this statement fills us with hope. So what is All Walks Beyond The Catwalk?
Originally Beat (The national charity for eating disorders), asked the British Fashion Council to create a fashion event about inspiring bodies. The idea was not accepted but Caryn Franklin (fashion expert and TV presenter), Debra Bourne and Erin O’Connor decided they could start up something similar: “a high level industry standard concept.”
The message behind All Walks Beyond The Catwalk is that all shapes, sizes and colour are beautiful. They would like more diversity on the catwalk and are creating imagery that reflects these values.
Firstly, there was the i-D shoot and then a launch party at the September ’09 London Fashion Week at Somerset House.
All Walks Beyond The Catwalk knows that the “perfect body” promoted by the fashion industry is not realistic: only two percent of the population can be a supermodel: we are all not 5”10 and a size six.
“Beauty is not a reflection of a perfect set of statistics”
Debra says: “Within the industry we are noticing people’s attitudes are changing. More curvy models are walking the runways and in magazine spreads. However the fashion industry does like a trend. At All Walks Beyond The Catwalk our work is committed to longevity beyond Trend Curve.”
All Walks Beyond The Catwalk gave their eight designers the opportunity to make a difference with their work. They were asked to consider the model’s own body before creating a piece.
They produced brochures, which were sent to every editor visiting London Fashion Week.
The web site has testimonials from designers and models, expressing the need for change.
Debra says: “We have witnessed designers like William Tempest, integrating the idea of diversity through model castings for the February 2010 catwalk shows. As well as Mark Fast, the designer we introduced to Hayley Morley, who is also continuing to work with models like Crystal Renn.
“We want to simply expand on what is on offer. Something as simple as showing models that represent a more realistic mirror to the women on the street in top end designer clothing. Not such a big deal.”
All Walks Beyond The Catwalk simply asks those of us in positions of power, can we change anything? Should we be listening to these statistics? (The increase in numbers of people suffering from eating disorders and other mental health issues.) Could we contribute positively to this matter? And creatively how might a return to acknowledging a more individual approach benefit?
Interview with plus size model Nina Blakemore
Plus size models are getting more recognition. From designers like Mark Fast using curvy girls to give his clothes justice to the new season’s trends celebrating all there is to be a woman, the fashion world could be falling out of love with the dangerous size zero trend. Teen Vogue chats to Nina Blakemore, a successful plus size model, who has been working with style guru, Gok Wan, for four years.
How did you first make it into the modelling industry?
Originally, I was a size eight model and had been approached by an agent at a fashion show I attended. However, I found it difficult to maintain being a size eight. I suffered from an eating disorder then and was very ill.
What made you recover from your eating disorder?
I just decided enough was enough. I wasn’t happy. I let my body gain it’s natural weight and shape. It was perfect as this was the time around ten years ago when “plus size” modelling was just starting.
What do you love about being able to be a plus size model?
I think the obvious answer is not having to restrict what I eat. I am not a naturally skinny girl. I still look after myself and go to the gym regularly but if I want a chocolate bar, I will have one and not feel guilty about it!
I am also comfortable being in my own skin. I have had so many opportunities come my way through being a size 18 model.
What are your thoughts on the size zero debate and the influence of the media on young people?
I am concerned about size zero. I wish we could start seeing more healthy models being used on the catwalks, in magazines and in adverts. Unfortunately it is still a huge “issue” when plus size girls are used for campaigns [like Mark Fast’s]. I can’t wait for the day when it is just seen as “normal” to see everyday women in the media.
I do think the media has a social responsibility, regarding the health and wellbeing of their readers. The number of young adults suffering with an eating disorder of some kind has risen dramatically over the last two years. [There are currently between 1.1 million and 1.6 million people suffering from an eating disorder in the UK]. The media is powerful and there are a lot of impressionable young people that they should be accountable for.
You campaign for healthier models and positive body image. What kind of things do you do?
I hope that by being a plus size model and comfortable with my figure, I promote a positive body image. I have so many women coming up to me at the end of shows and commenting on how refreshing it is to see a “real woman” in the outfits. Someone who women realistically look like.
I am also involved with the charity, Beat. I am proud to be associated with them. As someone who has recovered from an eating disorder, I can empathise with a lot of the people who benefit from the service they provide. [Beat has help lines, one-to-one services, live chats, email services and forums]. I do media work for them and try to promote their work as much as possible.
How did you start working with Gok Wan?
I went to the casting for his new show, “How To Look Good Naked”, four years ago. It was for the second series where they wanted to start using a catwalk show. Gok and I hit it off straight away. I have been lucky enough to have been a “Gokette” in every single series since!
I am truly grateful to him and his wonderful team. “How To Look Good Naked” epitomises everything that I have been working towards over the last 12 years of my life – “You don’t have to be a size zero to be gorgeous!”
So what is next?!
Well, I currently work all over the world, taking part in fashion shows and shoots. I am also trying a bit of presenting too. Then I hope to open an online boutique selling trendy clothes to curvaceous confident girls!
We heart you, Nina! To check out Nina’s work, go to her website at www.ninablakemore.com
How did you first make it into the modelling industry?
Originally, I was a size eight model and had been approached by an agent at a fashion show I attended. However, I found it difficult to maintain being a size eight. I suffered from an eating disorder then and was very ill.
What made you recover from your eating disorder?
I just decided enough was enough. I wasn’t happy. I let my body gain it’s natural weight and shape. It was perfect as this was the time around ten years ago when “plus size” modelling was just starting.
What do you love about being able to be a plus size model?
I think the obvious answer is not having to restrict what I eat. I am not a naturally skinny girl. I still look after myself and go to the gym regularly but if I want a chocolate bar, I will have one and not feel guilty about it!
I am also comfortable being in my own skin. I have had so many opportunities come my way through being a size 18 model.
What are your thoughts on the size zero debate and the influence of the media on young people?
I am concerned about size zero. I wish we could start seeing more healthy models being used on the catwalks, in magazines and in adverts. Unfortunately it is still a huge “issue” when plus size girls are used for campaigns [like Mark Fast’s]. I can’t wait for the day when it is just seen as “normal” to see everyday women in the media.
I do think the media has a social responsibility, regarding the health and wellbeing of their readers. The number of young adults suffering with an eating disorder of some kind has risen dramatically over the last two years. [There are currently between 1.1 million and 1.6 million people suffering from an eating disorder in the UK]. The media is powerful and there are a lot of impressionable young people that they should be accountable for.
You campaign for healthier models and positive body image. What kind of things do you do?
I hope that by being a plus size model and comfortable with my figure, I promote a positive body image. I have so many women coming up to me at the end of shows and commenting on how refreshing it is to see a “real woman” in the outfits. Someone who women realistically look like.
I am also involved with the charity, Beat. I am proud to be associated with them. As someone who has recovered from an eating disorder, I can empathise with a lot of the people who benefit from the service they provide. [Beat has help lines, one-to-one services, live chats, email services and forums]. I do media work for them and try to promote their work as much as possible.
How did you start working with Gok Wan?
I went to the casting for his new show, “How To Look Good Naked”, four years ago. It was for the second series where they wanted to start using a catwalk show. Gok and I hit it off straight away. I have been lucky enough to have been a “Gokette” in every single series since!
I am truly grateful to him and his wonderful team. “How To Look Good Naked” epitomises everything that I have been working towards over the last 12 years of my life – “You don’t have to be a size zero to be gorgeous!”
So what is next?!
Well, I currently work all over the world, taking part in fashion shows and shoots. I am also trying a bit of presenting too. Then I hope to open an online boutique selling trendy clothes to curvaceous confident girls!
We heart you, Nina! To check out Nina’s work, go to her website at www.ninablakemore.com
It Is Time To Love Your Body
For my final project for my MA Magazine Journalism, I wrote pieces for a British Teen Vogue. A lot of them were about positive body image. Here is one on curvy models and Body Gossip:
It is time to love your body.
Teen Vogue reports on the change of attitude in the fashion world.
“Breasts are back”
“The woman silhouette”
Seeing the key trends for a/w 10 and the ever growing number of curvy models used in magazines and on the catwalk, I have started to feel optimistic that maybe the size 0 trend is on its way out. But are we just seeing a further existence of the gimmicky trend curve?
Here at Teen Vogue we want you to feel good about yourselves, whatever your clothes size, but with the constant stream of perfectly looking models and celebrities, is it any wonder that the number of people suffering from eating disorders are increasing? Or that more young girls are suffering from low self-esteem or BDD? The fashion industry may not cause these mental illnesses but they can help to make us feel better about ourselves. That is why I hope Trend Curve will turn into the norm.
With this season’s trends telling us to embrace our womanly curves maybe it is a possibility!
Here are some of the trends, which celebrate being a woman:
“All woman” with Louis Vuitton’s boned corsets and grown up circle skirts.
“Hourglass” - Dolce and Gabbana showcased corsets and roses into womanly shapes.
For a/w 10 it seems that our new heroine is the curvaceous bombshell. Basically it is time to be proud of your assets. Corsets are praised for giving women a nipped-in waist and a heaving cleavage re. Victorian times. Think of your favourite Jane Austen period drama! This is the figure everyone is coveting.
Models to admire: Lara Stone, Doutzen Kroes, Laetitia Casta, Haley Morley, and Crystal Renn.
TV programme, Mad Men, has been described as inspiration for some of the new trends. I personally would love to be January Jones, so I am ready to wear nipped-in waist dresses, little cardigans and celebrating being more curvaceous.
It is important to feel good about your body, especially when the majority of the media tells us that we are not good enough. Charities like Beat, who support those suffering from eating disorders, aim to educate the media into promoting positive body image. A new campaign called Body Gossip has also been created:
Ruth Rogers, the creator of Body Gossip, came up with the idea when she was a student actor in New York where she was encouraged to lose weight by several people. She found a group of women who had formed a support group for people refusing to conform to society and the media’s ideas of the perfect body. It was then she realised that everyone has a story to tell about our bodies.
Ruth says: “Not enough is said about how most of us have at least one body worry. So the fact that Body Gossip exists, it reassures people all over the country that we, as a society, have body worries and those body worries are normal. No-one is alone in worrying that their body has imperfections and we are not abnormal for not having the airbrushed bodies that grace the magazines and ad campaigns.”
With regards to the size zero debate, Ruth advocates that everyone has his or her own natural body shape – some of us are naturally a size zero. Therefore it is really important that the fashion world does not start to exclude them in the quest of trying to be a fairer business.
Ruth states: “We should look at our natural body shape – the shape we are when we eat healthily and exercise in moderation. And that is our healthy body shape and society should not be encouraging us to shrink or grow to be anything else.”
She has some great tips for body confidence. Here are some of my favourites”
“Share your body concerns with others – you will soon realise you are not alone and that everyone has bits of their body they do not like. And then look at those friends who worry about their tummy or their bum or their nose – I bet to you they look gorgeous right?! Well there you go – to them, you look gorgeous too!”
See more about Body Gossip at www.bodygossip.org and ways for you to write your body story.
Body Gossip
The team: Natasha Devon (journalist and positive body image campaigner)
Lee Simmons (graphic designer)
Sarah Bakker (Film maker)
Danielle Simmons (photographer)
Imogen Bond (theatre director)
Lynsey Tash (producer and organiser)
Emma –Jane Haigh (Beat ambassador)
Kieron Jecchinis (actor)
Body Gossip also works with Beat (since 2006) and the National Osteoporosis Society.
The best body stories are performed by celebrities: here are just a few who are involved:
Shobna Gulati from Coronation Street
Nikki Grahame (her book is called Dying to be thin)
Anne Diamond (her campaign Fat Happens)
Natalie Cassidy
Body Gossip with Natasha Devon also takes confidence work shops into schools and colleges.
It is time to love your body.
Teen Vogue reports on the change of attitude in the fashion world.
“Breasts are back”
“The woman silhouette”
Seeing the key trends for a/w 10 and the ever growing number of curvy models used in magazines and on the catwalk, I have started to feel optimistic that maybe the size 0 trend is on its way out. But are we just seeing a further existence of the gimmicky trend curve?
Here at Teen Vogue we want you to feel good about yourselves, whatever your clothes size, but with the constant stream of perfectly looking models and celebrities, is it any wonder that the number of people suffering from eating disorders are increasing? Or that more young girls are suffering from low self-esteem or BDD? The fashion industry may not cause these mental illnesses but they can help to make us feel better about ourselves. That is why I hope Trend Curve will turn into the norm.
With this season’s trends telling us to embrace our womanly curves maybe it is a possibility!
Here are some of the trends, which celebrate being a woman:
“All woman” with Louis Vuitton’s boned corsets and grown up circle skirts.
“Hourglass” - Dolce and Gabbana showcased corsets and roses into womanly shapes.
For a/w 10 it seems that our new heroine is the curvaceous bombshell. Basically it is time to be proud of your assets. Corsets are praised for giving women a nipped-in waist and a heaving cleavage re. Victorian times. Think of your favourite Jane Austen period drama! This is the figure everyone is coveting.
Models to admire: Lara Stone, Doutzen Kroes, Laetitia Casta, Haley Morley, and Crystal Renn.
TV programme, Mad Men, has been described as inspiration for some of the new trends. I personally would love to be January Jones, so I am ready to wear nipped-in waist dresses, little cardigans and celebrating being more curvaceous.
It is important to feel good about your body, especially when the majority of the media tells us that we are not good enough. Charities like Beat, who support those suffering from eating disorders, aim to educate the media into promoting positive body image. A new campaign called Body Gossip has also been created:
Ruth Rogers, the creator of Body Gossip, came up with the idea when she was a student actor in New York where she was encouraged to lose weight by several people. She found a group of women who had formed a support group for people refusing to conform to society and the media’s ideas of the perfect body. It was then she realised that everyone has a story to tell about our bodies.
Ruth says: “Not enough is said about how most of us have at least one body worry. So the fact that Body Gossip exists, it reassures people all over the country that we, as a society, have body worries and those body worries are normal. No-one is alone in worrying that their body has imperfections and we are not abnormal for not having the airbrushed bodies that grace the magazines and ad campaigns.”
With regards to the size zero debate, Ruth advocates that everyone has his or her own natural body shape – some of us are naturally a size zero. Therefore it is really important that the fashion world does not start to exclude them in the quest of trying to be a fairer business.
Ruth states: “We should look at our natural body shape – the shape we are when we eat healthily and exercise in moderation. And that is our healthy body shape and society should not be encouraging us to shrink or grow to be anything else.”
She has some great tips for body confidence. Here are some of my favourites”
“Share your body concerns with others – you will soon realise you are not alone and that everyone has bits of their body they do not like. And then look at those friends who worry about their tummy or their bum or their nose – I bet to you they look gorgeous right?! Well there you go – to them, you look gorgeous too!”
See more about Body Gossip at www.bodygossip.org and ways for you to write your body story.
Body Gossip
The team: Natasha Devon (journalist and positive body image campaigner)
Lee Simmons (graphic designer)
Sarah Bakker (Film maker)
Danielle Simmons (photographer)
Imogen Bond (theatre director)
Lynsey Tash (producer and organiser)
Emma –Jane Haigh (Beat ambassador)
Kieron Jecchinis (actor)
Body Gossip also works with Beat (since 2006) and the National Osteoporosis Society.
The best body stories are performed by celebrities: here are just a few who are involved:
Shobna Gulati from Coronation Street
Nikki Grahame (her book is called Dying to be thin)
Anne Diamond (her campaign Fat Happens)
Natalie Cassidy
Body Gossip with Natasha Devon also takes confidence work shops into schools and colleges.
Sunday 28 November 2010
Home town...
... Thinking about my home town has made me stop and question my struggle with self-esteem. Maybe the world I have surrounded myself there has further fuelled my self-hatred. And even though I am in Australia I am still tied to it in a way. I know that when I go back home, I need to stay away from that world. I need to work outside of it, socialise outside of it. Of course I will still have my same friends but I don't want the night life that goes with it.
In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.
There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.
And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.
I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)
In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.
There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.
And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.
I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)
Monday 22 November 2010
30 Things I Like About Myself
I recently read a post about setting yourself the challenge of writing down thirty things you like about yourself. Here is my go:
1. I am a total bookworm and am happy to escape in other worlds.
2. I am a geek - I love learning new things.
3. The simple things matter to me when it comes to boys - holding hands, kisses, snuggling.
4. I have a random taste in music.
5. I am an avid traveller.
6. I speak French - I read books and magazines in French.
7. I give my cars names.
8. I try my best to stay in touch with friends by letter, text, email or facebook.
9. I make friends easily.
10. I am not afraid to be myself - I collect international magazines. I make collages and save articles I like. I sketch. I make memory books/scrapbooks.
11. My Mam is my best friend.
12. I like to dance in my room.
13. I am a total daydreamer.
14. I am a Beat ambassador. I am helping other people.
15. I never, ever give up - I conquered anorexia. I got my degree. I learned to ride a bike aged 15. I passed my A-Levels whilst ill.
16. I am tall and have long legs.
17. I am always smiling.
18. I have friends all over England.
19. I am an Auntie. I would love to be a mother myself.
20. I take pride in my appearance.
21. I am very family orientated.
22. I appreciate little things - like the first flowers in spring, rustling through leaves in autumn, seeing a butterfly etc.
23. I am a complex person. There is a lot people don't know about me.
24. I am always writing -blogs, articles, a novel, lists!
25. I am not afraid to try new things.
26. I am a romantic.
27. I am comfortable in my own company.
28. I am addicted to buying magazines.
29. I am proud of my 'flaws' - anorexia and self harm; as they represent my courage to overcome difficult times.
30. I am unique and I am trying to not care what other people think of me anymore.
1. I am a total bookworm and am happy to escape in other worlds.
2. I am a geek - I love learning new things.
3. The simple things matter to me when it comes to boys - holding hands, kisses, snuggling.
4. I have a random taste in music.
5. I am an avid traveller.
6. I speak French - I read books and magazines in French.
7. I give my cars names.
8. I try my best to stay in touch with friends by letter, text, email or facebook.
9. I make friends easily.
10. I am not afraid to be myself - I collect international magazines. I make collages and save articles I like. I sketch. I make memory books/scrapbooks.
11. My Mam is my best friend.
12. I like to dance in my room.
13. I am a total daydreamer.
14. I am a Beat ambassador. I am helping other people.
15. I never, ever give up - I conquered anorexia. I got my degree. I learned to ride a bike aged 15. I passed my A-Levels whilst ill.
16. I am tall and have long legs.
17. I am always smiling.
18. I have friends all over England.
19. I am an Auntie. I would love to be a mother myself.
20. I take pride in my appearance.
21. I am very family orientated.
22. I appreciate little things - like the first flowers in spring, rustling through leaves in autumn, seeing a butterfly etc.
23. I am a complex person. There is a lot people don't know about me.
24. I am always writing -blogs, articles, a novel, lists!
25. I am not afraid to try new things.
26. I am a romantic.
27. I am comfortable in my own company.
28. I am addicted to buying magazines.
29. I am proud of my 'flaws' - anorexia and self harm; as they represent my courage to overcome difficult times.
30. I am unique and I am trying to not care what other people think of me anymore.
Saturday 20 November 2010
I've come a long way!
With recovery or even being almost recovered, it is easy to forget how much things have actually changed. So I've decided to list all of the things I can do now =] Hopefully it will motivate you too or just make you smile.
1. I laugh at things now.
2. I listen to music.
3. I can concentrate on a good book.
4. I can drive and have owned two cars.
5. I can get on a bus, a train or a plane. (When I was ill, I wasn't allowed to travel)
6. I like going clothes shopping.
7. I cook things out of pleasure.
8. I can eat in public, in front of strangers and at all times of the day.
9. I eat a variety of foods.
10. I have learned how to relax - I can just sit and watch a DVD; not thinking that I'm being lazy.
11. I can have a proper bath (When I was ill, I was only allowed to be in a few inches of water)
12. I have my privacy back.
13. I can walk as I have the strength now.
14. I can drink alcohol.
15. I eat ice cream and sweets when I want to.
16. I can have a job and have had many!
17. I have had boyfriends and am interested in boys.
18. I am attractive to the other sex.
19. I can go on holidays.
20. I have more concentration.
21. I can hold a conversation.
22. I am Rachel; not an anorexic!
1. I laugh at things now.
2. I listen to music.
3. I can concentrate on a good book.
4. I can drive and have owned two cars.
5. I can get on a bus, a train or a plane. (When I was ill, I wasn't allowed to travel)
6. I like going clothes shopping.
7. I cook things out of pleasure.
8. I can eat in public, in front of strangers and at all times of the day.
9. I eat a variety of foods.
10. I have learned how to relax - I can just sit and watch a DVD; not thinking that I'm being lazy.
11. I can have a proper bath (When I was ill, I was only allowed to be in a few inches of water)
12. I have my privacy back.
13. I can walk as I have the strength now.
14. I can drink alcohol.
15. I eat ice cream and sweets when I want to.
16. I can have a job and have had many!
17. I have had boyfriends and am interested in boys.
18. I am attractive to the other sex.
19. I can go on holidays.
20. I have more concentration.
21. I can hold a conversation.
22. I am Rachel; not an anorexic!
Wednesday 17 November 2010
Outside recovery
I realised something today. That even when you're almost recovered there is still a lot you have to explain to your parents.
You see by having an eating disorder, I lost my parents trust.
So now I am constantly asked if I have eaten enough each day. It's also why my mam worries more than other parents about me living in Australia away from her.
But it's more than that. Its the simple things. Like being asked which foods you'll eat this week; like not being trusted around things like knives or anything that can burn.
The night of my leaving meal with my parents, my mam spotted a very anorexic girl sitting at the table next to me. Her family had obviously ordered her meal for her - a pizza - as she was sitting, legs shaking, arms fidgeting, just staring at the plate. My mam was outraged - how if it had been me she would have just let me order a starter or something. I appreciated my mam's concern yet I wish she'd never pointed it out to me. I couldn't stop looking; wishing there was something I could do to help her. Naturally my dad didnt understand what was going on! I was growing increasingly uncomfortable, sensing her awkwardness, needing to get away. But wouldn't you know, I had just finished managing my meal. Whats so bad about this? Well other people would just say they were going to the bathroom and it would be fine. But a recovering anorexic? Nope. It would look like I was going to make myself sick. Luckily after seven years of dealing with this/me, my mam understands. I quietly told her I was going to the bathroom as I couldn't cope sitting there and I needed to speak to one of the other girls at beat. My mam also understood this was me sliently saying, "Don't worry I wont purge!"
What is the point of this post? The fact that even after recovery there is still so much you need to explain about yourself. Just another reason to hate anorexia!
You see by having an eating disorder, I lost my parents trust.
So now I am constantly asked if I have eaten enough each day. It's also why my mam worries more than other parents about me living in Australia away from her.
But it's more than that. Its the simple things. Like being asked which foods you'll eat this week; like not being trusted around things like knives or anything that can burn.
The night of my leaving meal with my parents, my mam spotted a very anorexic girl sitting at the table next to me. Her family had obviously ordered her meal for her - a pizza - as she was sitting, legs shaking, arms fidgeting, just staring at the plate. My mam was outraged - how if it had been me she would have just let me order a starter or something. I appreciated my mam's concern yet I wish she'd never pointed it out to me. I couldn't stop looking; wishing there was something I could do to help her. Naturally my dad didnt understand what was going on! I was growing increasingly uncomfortable, sensing her awkwardness, needing to get away. But wouldn't you know, I had just finished managing my meal. Whats so bad about this? Well other people would just say they were going to the bathroom and it would be fine. But a recovering anorexic? Nope. It would look like I was going to make myself sick. Luckily after seven years of dealing with this/me, my mam understands. I quietly told her I was going to the bathroom as I couldn't cope sitting there and I needed to speak to one of the other girls at beat. My mam also understood this was me sliently saying, "Don't worry I wont purge!"
What is the point of this post? The fact that even after recovery there is still so much you need to explain about yourself. Just another reason to hate anorexia!
Tuesday 16 November 2010
Wintergirls
I read a sad book yesterday - Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson.
It's a very well written book about a girl's battle with anorexia, Anderson really understands the inside trauma that goes on with an eating disorder. My cousin doesn't think I should be reading books on anorexia but I guess I want to understand more about the illness. Find out why I act the way I do. Also back in the UK, I could talk to loads of friends who knew exactly what I have gone through and am still struggling with. Here no one does and in a way I find it hard to deal with.
What also made me cry in the book was the traumatic death of the main character, Lia's, friend, Cassie, who dies from bulimia.This is the description:
"She drank, binged and purged for two days. Her esophagus ruptured. Ripped open. Boerhaave's syndrome, usually seen in alcoholics who regularly upchuck after drinking too much. Vomiting forcefully enough can tear the esophagus. She was purging when the rupture occused. She went into shock and died. She died in terror and she died alone."
I copied this to remind myself and hopefully you that my eating disorder is not worth losing my life over, even when I do hate everything about myself.
There is also postive words when Lia decides to recover. I think her words describe beautifully how I have felt myself:
"I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive people can hurt you. Its easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out. But it's a lie.
I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.
I am angry that I starved my brain and that I sat shivering in my bed at night, instead of dancing or reading poetry or eating ice cream or kissing a boy.
I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape.
There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day; an unexpected laugh; a mirror that doesn't matter anymore."
It's a very well written book about a girl's battle with anorexia, Anderson really understands the inside trauma that goes on with an eating disorder. My cousin doesn't think I should be reading books on anorexia but I guess I want to understand more about the illness. Find out why I act the way I do. Also back in the UK, I could talk to loads of friends who knew exactly what I have gone through and am still struggling with. Here no one does and in a way I find it hard to deal with.
What also made me cry in the book was the traumatic death of the main character, Lia's, friend, Cassie, who dies from bulimia.This is the description:
"She drank, binged and purged for two days. Her esophagus ruptured. Ripped open. Boerhaave's syndrome, usually seen in alcoholics who regularly upchuck after drinking too much. Vomiting forcefully enough can tear the esophagus. She was purging when the rupture occused. She went into shock and died. She died in terror and she died alone."
I copied this to remind myself and hopefully you that my eating disorder is not worth losing my life over, even when I do hate everything about myself.
There is also postive words when Lia decides to recover. I think her words describe beautifully how I have felt myself:
"I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive people can hurt you. Its easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out. But it's a lie.
I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.
I am angry that I starved my brain and that I sat shivering in my bed at night, instead of dancing or reading poetry or eating ice cream or kissing a boy.
I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape.
There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day; an unexpected laugh; a mirror that doesn't matter anymore."
Pearl By Katy Perry
This song relates to how I became when I was with my ex boyfriend and I never want to let myself get this low every again. I won't give up my life, dreams and ambitions for a boy. I certainly won't turn down invitations from friends anymore just in case he might want to see me. I won't stay with a boy who hardly gives me compliments, instead talking about all the girls who fancy him and talking to all of his exes. I won't stay with someone who doesn't give a damn about my feelings. Coming to Australia has made me realise that I am worth a hell of a lot more.
Pearl
She is a pyramid, but with him she's just a grain of sand,
This love's too strong like mice and men,
Squeezing out the life that should be let in.
She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind,
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships,
Was a force to be reckoned with.
She could be a Statue of Liberty,
She could be a Joan of Arc,
But he's scared of the light that's inside of her, so he keeps her in the dark.
Oh, she used to be a pearl,
She used to rule the world,
Can't believe she's become a shell of herself.
Coz she used to be a pearl.
She was unstoppable,
Moved fast just like an avalanche,
But now she's stuck deep in cement,
Wishing they never met.
Do you know there's a way out?
You don't have to be held down.
Coz I used to be a shell,
Yeah I let him rule my world,
But I will come and grow strong,
And I can still go on.
And no one can take my pearl.
You don't have to be a shell,
You're the one that rules your world,
You are strong and you will learn that you can still go on.
And you will always be a pearl.
She is unstoppable.l
Pearl
She is a pyramid, but with him she's just a grain of sand,
This love's too strong like mice and men,
Squeezing out the life that should be let in.
She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind,
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships,
Was a force to be reckoned with.
She could be a Statue of Liberty,
She could be a Joan of Arc,
But he's scared of the light that's inside of her, so he keeps her in the dark.
Oh, she used to be a pearl,
She used to rule the world,
Can't believe she's become a shell of herself.
Coz she used to be a pearl.
She was unstoppable,
Moved fast just like an avalanche,
But now she's stuck deep in cement,
Wishing they never met.
Do you know there's a way out?
You don't have to be held down.
Coz I used to be a shell,
Yeah I let him rule my world,
But I will come and grow strong,
And I can still go on.
And no one can take my pearl.
You don't have to be a shell,
You're the one that rules your world,
You are strong and you will learn that you can still go on.
And you will always be a pearl.
She is unstoppable.l
Monday 25 October 2010
Australian Rachel
I have not even been in Australia for two weeks and already I am changing.
- I am eating different and new foods, including squid!
- My meal times are at random times
- I am okay at eating in front of strangers
- I am starting to not care what boys think of me - back home everyone thinks it is important to have a boy texting you
- I am beginning to re-like myself again
- I have spent a day with no make-up on
Maybe this is going to be great for me =]
- I am eating different and new foods, including squid!
- My meal times are at random times
- I am okay at eating in front of strangers
- I am starting to not care what boys think of me - back home everyone thinks it is important to have a boy texting you
- I am beginning to re-like myself again
- I have spent a day with no make-up on
Maybe this is going to be great for me =]
Dreaming...
Although I made a decision a few years ago to not plan my future as no one knows what is going to happen, it is still important to have dreams.
Personal goals help you be motivated; they make you smile; daydream and try to actively work towards your aim. I have still had dreams but anorexia/a boy/my home town have stopped me from trying to reach my true potential. Now in Australia, in the sunshine, I am beginning to dream again =]
I want to:-
Travel more;
Get my book published;
Work for a magazine;
Start a group promoting awareness of positive body image;
Learn to make my own clothes;
Create my own magazine;
Do the Great North Run;
Be proud of all that I have achieved and be happy to be Rachel.
Personal goals help you be motivated; they make you smile; daydream and try to actively work towards your aim. I have still had dreams but anorexia/a boy/my home town have stopped me from trying to reach my true potential. Now in Australia, in the sunshine, I am beginning to dream again =]
I want to:-
Travel more;
Get my book published;
Work for a magazine;
Start a group promoting awareness of positive body image;
Learn to make my own clothes;
Create my own magazine;
Do the Great North Run;
Be proud of all that I have achieved and be happy to be Rachel.
Friday 15 October 2010
Greetings from Australia
Hello :)
So here I am blogging from Australia - after everything I have been through I never thought I would make it here or be living away from my mam for several months. Of course I have only been here three days so I am feeling unsettled and wondering if I should be here.
There are more opportunities for me here though. I can get a job, there is sunshine and nobody knows who I am.I can be the real Rachel I want to be. No one needs to know about my anorexia, my bad luck with boys or everything about me. So far it is good and I think time away from boys will help me. I don't need to look good for them. I can look good for me. I can finally learn how to love myself.
I shall keep you updated :)
So here I am blogging from Australia - after everything I have been through I never thought I would make it here or be living away from my mam for several months. Of course I have only been here three days so I am feeling unsettled and wondering if I should be here.
There are more opportunities for me here though. I can get a job, there is sunshine and nobody knows who I am.I can be the real Rachel I want to be. No one needs to know about my anorexia, my bad luck with boys or everything about me. So far it is good and I think time away from boys will help me. I don't need to look good for them. I can look good for me. I can finally learn how to love myself.
I shall keep you updated :)
Friday 8 October 2010
im glad to have experienced it...
There are a few things that have happened in my life that have been challenging but in a way I am glad I have experienced them and survived.
From anorexia, when I was told I would die; when I couldn't do what other 17 year olds were doing; when I was trapped in tourment - I now know more about who I am and the world around me. I am passionate about making a difference and am an active ambassador for beat. I am a compassionate and caring person to many.
From not being able to finish my year abroad, I made new friends, build up my confidence and had a brief stint into the teenage life I always wanted even if it was at age 21!
From falling in love, when the guy didn't love me as much, when I've been trying to get over him for two years. I still would go through it again because falling in love is special. Because it makes you warm inside and cared for. And now I'm learning to be strong to not fall as deep so soon again.
I'm off to australia on tuesday. Who knows what experiences await me?
From anorexia, when I was told I would die; when I couldn't do what other 17 year olds were doing; when I was trapped in tourment - I now know more about who I am and the world around me. I am passionate about making a difference and am an active ambassador for beat. I am a compassionate and caring person to many.
From not being able to finish my year abroad, I made new friends, build up my confidence and had a brief stint into the teenage life I always wanted even if it was at age 21!
From falling in love, when the guy didn't love me as much, when I've been trying to get over him for two years. I still would go through it again because falling in love is special. Because it makes you warm inside and cared for. And now I'm learning to be strong to not fall as deep so soon again.
I'm off to australia on tuesday. Who knows what experiences await me?
Monday 27 September 2010
Australia...
I am leaving for Australia in two weeks time! I will admit I am terrified but at the same time I feel like this is something I need to do.
Over there people will only know about my anorexia if I choose to tell them... No one needs to know that I am insecure or how rubbish I am with boys. I can pretend to be confident; I can be the real me.
Hopefully I will eventually get over my ex too. Whats the saying? Out of sight, out of mind. I hope its true coz I cant take this anymore. The feeling of inadequacy against all the girls he chooses over me.
Plus in Oz there are so many opportunities. I can swim with dolphins again, hug a koala, go snorkelling in the great barrier reef, learn to surf, meet new people etc.
Mostly I am excited. And maybe a new me will return!
Over there people will only know about my anorexia if I choose to tell them... No one needs to know that I am insecure or how rubbish I am with boys. I can pretend to be confident; I can be the real me.
Hopefully I will eventually get over my ex too. Whats the saying? Out of sight, out of mind. I hope its true coz I cant take this anymore. The feeling of inadequacy against all the girls he chooses over me.
Plus in Oz there are so many opportunities. I can swim with dolphins again, hug a koala, go snorkelling in the great barrier reef, learn to surf, meet new people etc.
Mostly I am excited. And maybe a new me will return!
Sunday 26 September 2010
bad impact
I know that strangers don't know I've been through anorexia but the slightest comment out of turn can send me backwards. I so wish it didn't. I just take everything too much to heart.
On a night out last week, a man came up to me and asked if I was pregnant. My world came crashing down. If strangers are asking me this then I must be fat surely? I hate thinking like this as I'm an ambassador and I want to be a good role model. Yet right now all I want to do is diet and exercise to the max "/
I hope to have a more positive outlook soon and stop letting idiots get to me.
On a night out last week, a man came up to me and asked if I was pregnant. My world came crashing down. If strangers are asking me this then I must be fat surely? I hate thinking like this as I'm an ambassador and I want to be a good role model. Yet right now all I want to do is diet and exercise to the max "/
I hope to have a more positive outlook soon and stop letting idiots get to me.
Monday 9 August 2010
obstacles
Although almost recovered, life seems to like throwing me obstacles. And by that I mean difficult situations that could re-start my anorexia. Luckily now I know anorexia does not give me what I need or want.
Yes life can be hard but by dealing with the obstacles you become a stronger person.
Anorexia gives you a death sentence; recovery gives you opportunities.
Once more I am faced with a problem. A major problem at that. I need to finally get over an ex boyfriend. After two and a half years he has completely knocked my confidence until I don't know who I am anymore. Sound familiar? Yeah he's like anorexia. And I sure as hell managed to beat her! Realising this has made me much more positive that I won't only just find rachel again, I'll be an improved stronger Rachel :)
Yes life can be hard but by dealing with the obstacles you become a stronger person.
Anorexia gives you a death sentence; recovery gives you opportunities.
Once more I am faced with a problem. A major problem at that. I need to finally get over an ex boyfriend. After two and a half years he has completely knocked my confidence until I don't know who I am anymore. Sound familiar? Yeah he's like anorexia. And I sure as hell managed to beat her! Realising this has made me much more positive that I won't only just find rachel again, I'll be an improved stronger Rachel :)
Thursday 29 July 2010
Given up
I have yet to receive a reply from the agency and quite frankly i have given up with the media! Being a magazine journalism student, i feel quite disheartened with the media world. All i have wanted to do was show people that recovery is possible; eating disorders can be beaten and raise awareness. A lot more has to be done to make this possible....
My response - with quotes from beat ambassadors
Not as good as i would have liked but here it is :)
Hi Natasha
Thanks for you reply. I honestly don't know who I am mad at more: the media or the public. If the readers want pictures of us at our worst, I think it highlights even more that we need to promote awareness and show people that eating disorders are a serious mental health issue and not something to be taken lightly.
I am positive that me and the other 70 young ambassadors do not wish to give out photos ever. I explained to Katie why we do not want to talk about our lowest weight nor give out photos. Showing photos of us at our illest just sensationalises the story and makes out that eating disorders are all about weight. Another reason is these photos can act as triggers to other sufferers: we want to help others not make them feel worse. I would like to include some comments off other ambassadors on this subject:
"
what, so you woul dlie and make up something as serious as an eating disorder if you didnt show photos?! For goodness sake, I don't know if I feel more disheartened by the media response, or the public right now!!! That is about the most ridiculous thing ever..."
"To be honest, I think it's disgusting. If you are a good journalist, you can portray a picture through words, without it being triggering to the reader. Including pictures, I think only makes things worse, and individuals may feel that they 'have to look that thin to have en ED' whereas you can have an eating disorder at any weight - it's classed ... See moreas a psychological problem and weight, I think, is just a physical symptom. I did have an argument with a journalist a few months ago. As I'm a twin, and my twin is also ill, they were very interested in a story, up until the point where I said I will not be giving over any 'unhealthy photos' and surprise surprise, they didn't want to run the story. However, a few weeks later, I worked with a fantastic journalist from my local paper who portrayed my story so well.....with a healthy picture. If they want to use any of us for stories, they need to accept we are not going to hand over our unhealthy pictures. Not only can they be triggering for readers, we don't need reminding of how ill we were - sorry for the rant - us beat girls, we stick together "
"I agree with you all entirely. It really proves that this world we live in is.. well I don't even know how to word it. They are just obsessed with glamouring mental illnesses, especailly when it comes to eating disorders. It does nothing to help us and other people out their struggling. Just because a person may look 'healthy' it doesn't mean they ... See moresuffer any less. Then there's the whole competitive side to eating disorders, seeing who can be the thinnest etc. Showing photos of people when they were ill isn't saying anything. Kerry, like you said 'weight is just the symptom.'
I don't really know what else to say, things really need changing. They are still far too many people who are naive to the illness. It's like my friends and family, they see me now and see me as a healthy, happy 19 year old; Living, laughing, eating. But they don't seem to realise it's not always that simple. Just because I look healthy doesn't mean I suffer any less. Yea I have good days, but I also have bad days and I - and I'm sure you all do at times - have to fight it every day. I may have gone off the subject a little there but it makes me so angry!"
I really hope that you can help us by passing our comments on to the publications you work with so that maybe they may start to do positive recovery stories instead of all this negativity!
Regards
Rachel
Hi Natasha
Thanks for you reply. I honestly don't know who I am mad at more: the media or the public. If the readers want pictures of us at our worst, I think it highlights even more that we need to promote awareness and show people that eating disorders are a serious mental health issue and not something to be taken lightly.
I am positive that me and the other 70 young ambassadors do not wish to give out photos ever. I explained to Katie why we do not want to talk about our lowest weight nor give out photos. Showing photos of us at our illest just sensationalises the story and makes out that eating disorders are all about weight. Another reason is these photos can act as triggers to other sufferers: we want to help others not make them feel worse. I would like to include some comments off other ambassadors on this subject:
"
what, so you woul dlie and make up something as serious as an eating disorder if you didnt show photos?! For goodness sake, I don't know if I feel more disheartened by the media response, or the public right now!!! That is about the most ridiculous thing ever..."
"To be honest, I think it's disgusting. If you are a good journalist, you can portray a picture through words, without it being triggering to the reader. Including pictures, I think only makes things worse, and individuals may feel that they 'have to look that thin to have en ED' whereas you can have an eating disorder at any weight - it's classed ... See moreas a psychological problem and weight, I think, is just a physical symptom. I did have an argument with a journalist a few months ago. As I'm a twin, and my twin is also ill, they were very interested in a story, up until the point where I said I will not be giving over any 'unhealthy photos' and surprise surprise, they didn't want to run the story. However, a few weeks later, I worked with a fantastic journalist from my local paper who portrayed my story so well.....with a healthy picture. If they want to use any of us for stories, they need to accept we are not going to hand over our unhealthy pictures. Not only can they be triggering for readers, we don't need reminding of how ill we were - sorry for the rant - us beat girls, we stick together "
"I agree with you all entirely. It really proves that this world we live in is.. well I don't even know how to word it. They are just obsessed with glamouring mental illnesses, especailly when it comes to eating disorders. It does nothing to help us and other people out their struggling. Just because a person may look 'healthy' it doesn't mean they ... See moresuffer any less. Then there's the whole competitive side to eating disorders, seeing who can be the thinnest etc. Showing photos of people when they were ill isn't saying anything. Kerry, like you said 'weight is just the symptom.'
I don't really know what else to say, things really need changing. They are still far too many people who are naive to the illness. It's like my friends and family, they see me now and see me as a healthy, happy 19 year old; Living, laughing, eating. But they don't seem to realise it's not always that simple. Just because I look healthy doesn't mean I suffer any less. Yea I have good days, but I also have bad days and I - and I'm sure you all do at times - have to fight it every day. I may have gone off the subject a little there but it makes me so angry!"
I really hope that you can help us by passing our comments on to the publications you work with so that maybe they may start to do positive recovery stories instead of all this negativity!
Regards
Rachel
Reply from media
Totally forgot to show my bloggers this:
Hi Rachel
Thanks for your email back to Katie, which she forwarded to me. I own Talk to the Press and am sorry to hear you feel failed by the media. I do understand there is a fine line that has to be trod between Beat desires (we have done many stories with Beat over the years) and the demands of the media generally, and we have always tried to follow this line.
It’s not about any publication thinking anyone is making up a story, but what readers want from stories and what editors want to illustrate a story. Unfortunately, we find ourselves in a position where it is impossible for us to place a story about an eating disorder story without pictures, which I understand is frustrating for you.
That said, we have done many stories about recovery from eating disorders and each person (a few of whom have also had help from Beat) has told us they found it a very positive experience.
We take such things on a case by case basis, but of course if someone does not wish to give photos then that is absolutely their decision and we understand completely. If there is ever an opportunity for us to place your story without pictures, such as on radio for example, we will let you know.
Best
Natasha
Hi Rachel
Thanks for your email back to Katie, which she forwarded to me. I own Talk to the Press and am sorry to hear you feel failed by the media. I do understand there is a fine line that has to be trod between Beat desires (we have done many stories with Beat over the years) and the demands of the media generally, and we have always tried to follow this line.
It’s not about any publication thinking anyone is making up a story, but what readers want from stories and what editors want to illustrate a story. Unfortunately, we find ourselves in a position where it is impossible for us to place a story about an eating disorder story without pictures, which I understand is frustrating for you.
That said, we have done many stories about recovery from eating disorders and each person (a few of whom have also had help from Beat) has told us they found it a very positive experience.
We take such things on a case by case basis, but of course if someone does not wish to give photos then that is absolutely their decision and we understand completely. If there is ever an opportunity for us to place your story without pictures, such as on radio for example, we will let you know.
Best
Natasha
Saturday 17 July 2010
Silly media!
After being annoyed at the media and told by the third time that they can't do an interview with me unless I give photos at my thinnest, I retaliated and wrote this reply:
I have to admit that I am unhappy with your answer and very disappointed. As a Beat ambassador I am dedicated to promoting awareness and showing the positive side of recovery but with the women's weekly magazines' attitudes this can not be done.
I would like to point out that your agency will possibly not work with Beat in the future. I know I can say for me and the rest of the ambassadors that we do not give any photos out of us at our thinnest. We understand the media needs to show readers that we were ill but why would we make it up about having an eating disorder? We are fed up of the media concentrating on weight. Eating disorders are not all about weight. We really want to give stories that show recovery can happen but as usual the media has failed us.
I am sorry as I really wanted to do an interview with you to show that I am an example of recovery.
Regards
Rachel
Let me know what you think!
I have to admit that I am unhappy with your answer and very disappointed. As a Beat ambassador I am dedicated to promoting awareness and showing the positive side of recovery but with the women's weekly magazines' attitudes this can not be done.
I would like to point out that your agency will possibly not work with Beat in the future. I know I can say for me and the rest of the ambassadors that we do not give any photos out of us at our thinnest. We understand the media needs to show readers that we were ill but why would we make it up about having an eating disorder? We are fed up of the media concentrating on weight. Eating disorders are not all about weight. We really want to give stories that show recovery can happen but as usual the media has failed us.
I am sorry as I really wanted to do an interview with you to show that I am an example of recovery.
Regards
Rachel
Let me know what you think!
Monday 5 July 2010
Article about me
For this year's Vogue Talent competition, contenders had to write a personal memoir. Anorexia has been such a huge part of my life so I wrote about this. I have received a lot of praise for this piece, from lecturers telling me to get it published in as many places as possible to friends saying it made them cry.
Let me know what you think of it.
This is a story about a girl who nearly lost the person she was to an illness that wanted her dead.
Nobody understood her; she was bullied by her own friends and called ugly by a boy at school; she felt like she didn’t fit in anywhere nor was she clever enough. She wanted to be invisible so nobody could pick on her anymore. So she listened to the voice that appeared in her head. The little girl’s voice that whispered, “You’re worthless; you’re fat; you’re disgusting; your life would be better if you were thin.”
The girl started to skip mealtimes and exercise up to 3 hours a day. She became obsessed with weighing herself, with losing weight and staying out of the house to avoid food. It got to the point that she could go four days without eating.
Her friends were worried about her but the only help they could find was on pro-ana sites. These sites promoted anorexia and told visitors not to listen to their friends and family, as everyone just wanted you to be fat.
The girl began to visit these sites daily, staring at the protruding ribs and spines on the girls shown in thinspiration photos.
Her mother desperately tried to find help; her father didn’t understand, believing she was doing it for attention.
The girl started to withdraw into herself more, until she could hear no-one but anorexia. Losing weight was something she excelled at.
She wanted to be in control, but sadly she did not realise that anorexia actually controlled her. Soon she couldn’t concentrate on her college work and she found it hard to breathe. It hurt to do her exercises but she forced herself through the gruelling hours. She was cold all the time, even on a hot summers day. It hurt to sit down and to take a bath because the bones in her back and bottom stuck out so much.
Soon anorexia and the health authorities caught up with her. Her BMI was only 12 and she was sent to a children’s unit. There, her life came crashing down. With no beds available, she was made an outpatient but she still had to obey by rules. She was a prisoner in her own home. She wasn’t allowed to go out; she couldn’t drive or go to work. She had to start eating three meals a day as well as drink three supplement drinks a day.
She hadn’t realised how much damage she had done to her body. She had osteoporosis, her brain had shrunk and her heart had started to eat itself. She was weeks from death.
The girls name is Rachel. The girl is me. It took me five years to recover from anorexia, the thing I once viewed as my best friend. Instead, she turned me into a selfish, lying, self-obsessed monster.
Although anorexia is the worst thing to have happened to me, it is also the best thing to have happened. I appreciate my life more now; I take risks and I do everything that I have dreamed about doing. I have been to New Zealand twice by myself; I have swum with dolphins and I have been in love. I have lived in France and I have a degree in French and German. As an ambassador for Beat (national charity for eating disorders), I have met inspirational people, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and various medical conferences.
Anorexia has also taught me more about the world and appreciating other people. I am closer to my family now and know who my real friends are. I am also happier with the person that I am. Although anorexia will always be a part of me, she is not my whole identity.
I believe that true recovery is obtained when you put yourself back into the real world, as it highlighted to me how much I was missing out on. It took me 18 months to decide I wanted to recover, a further nine months to reach my target weight and two years and nine months to be discharged from the unit, with the request that my therapist did not want to see me in there again!
Recovery was full of arguments, lies and fear. I argued about how much food I had to eat and I argued with my unit about my treatment. I lied to my mother about food I hid and the secret exercise. But most of all I was scared. I was frightened of losing anorexia as who was I without her? I also felt sick at the mere thought of food, looking as if I was being poisoned with every mouthful.
Through a lot of hard work, I realised I was more than just anorexic and I wanted to reach my potential. After all, eating disorders can be beaten.
Let me know what you think of it.
This is a story about a girl who nearly lost the person she was to an illness that wanted her dead.
Nobody understood her; she was bullied by her own friends and called ugly by a boy at school; she felt like she didn’t fit in anywhere nor was she clever enough. She wanted to be invisible so nobody could pick on her anymore. So she listened to the voice that appeared in her head. The little girl’s voice that whispered, “You’re worthless; you’re fat; you’re disgusting; your life would be better if you were thin.”
The girl started to skip mealtimes and exercise up to 3 hours a day. She became obsessed with weighing herself, with losing weight and staying out of the house to avoid food. It got to the point that she could go four days without eating.
Her friends were worried about her but the only help they could find was on pro-ana sites. These sites promoted anorexia and told visitors not to listen to their friends and family, as everyone just wanted you to be fat.
The girl began to visit these sites daily, staring at the protruding ribs and spines on the girls shown in thinspiration photos.
Her mother desperately tried to find help; her father didn’t understand, believing she was doing it for attention.
The girl started to withdraw into herself more, until she could hear no-one but anorexia. Losing weight was something she excelled at.
She wanted to be in control, but sadly she did not realise that anorexia actually controlled her. Soon she couldn’t concentrate on her college work and she found it hard to breathe. It hurt to do her exercises but she forced herself through the gruelling hours. She was cold all the time, even on a hot summers day. It hurt to sit down and to take a bath because the bones in her back and bottom stuck out so much.
Soon anorexia and the health authorities caught up with her. Her BMI was only 12 and she was sent to a children’s unit. There, her life came crashing down. With no beds available, she was made an outpatient but she still had to obey by rules. She was a prisoner in her own home. She wasn’t allowed to go out; she couldn’t drive or go to work. She had to start eating three meals a day as well as drink three supplement drinks a day.
She hadn’t realised how much damage she had done to her body. She had osteoporosis, her brain had shrunk and her heart had started to eat itself. She was weeks from death.
The girls name is Rachel. The girl is me. It took me five years to recover from anorexia, the thing I once viewed as my best friend. Instead, she turned me into a selfish, lying, self-obsessed monster.
Although anorexia is the worst thing to have happened to me, it is also the best thing to have happened. I appreciate my life more now; I take risks and I do everything that I have dreamed about doing. I have been to New Zealand twice by myself; I have swum with dolphins and I have been in love. I have lived in France and I have a degree in French and German. As an ambassador for Beat (national charity for eating disorders), I have met inspirational people, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and various medical conferences.
Anorexia has also taught me more about the world and appreciating other people. I am closer to my family now and know who my real friends are. I am also happier with the person that I am. Although anorexia will always be a part of me, she is not my whole identity.
I believe that true recovery is obtained when you put yourself back into the real world, as it highlighted to me how much I was missing out on. It took me 18 months to decide I wanted to recover, a further nine months to reach my target weight and two years and nine months to be discharged from the unit, with the request that my therapist did not want to see me in there again!
Recovery was full of arguments, lies and fear. I argued about how much food I had to eat and I argued with my unit about my treatment. I lied to my mother about food I hid and the secret exercise. But most of all I was scared. I was frightened of losing anorexia as who was I without her? I also felt sick at the mere thought of food, looking as if I was being poisoned with every mouthful.
Through a lot of hard work, I realised I was more than just anorexic and I wanted to reach my potential. After all, eating disorders can be beaten.
Article on Beat and Stigma
As a magazine journalism student, I often try to write about eating disorders and Beat as so often they are misrepresented in the media.
Here is my first of many:
As a Beat ambassador, I have talked to the government and the media about my anorexia, which has had positive effects on the representation of eating disorders. Yet with the size zero debate and skinny celebrities, it’s not surprising that 78% of people still say they have experienced stigma as a result of their or their family member’s eating disorder.
As Beat celebrates it’s 21st birthday, why is there still so much stigma surrounding this mental health illness?
Beat, like many charities, is generally only known to those who are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder.
Whenever I tell anyone who I am doing charity work for, their first question is often ‘who is Beat?’
Although Beat had it’s most successful awareness week yet this year, with extensive media coverage, the sad fact is people don’t want to talk about eating disorders. From my own experience eating disorders are very much a ‘hush-hush’ subject, just like cancer was some twenty years ago.
A survey carried out by Beaufort Research and Beat highlights the fact that not many people understand what an eating disorder actually is. The majority of people believed that eating disorders are a lifestyle choice and a quarter think that people only get eating disorders because they want to lose weight. Only one in five people believe that eating disorders are a mental health issue.
This year, Beat launched a new project in Wales, Beat Cymru. This is a five year, Big Lottery funded project dedicated to improve support and information for people affected by eating disorders in Wales.
There are currently over 50,000 people in Wales who are suffering from an eating disorder. Beat Cymru will provide self-help support groups across Wales and campaign to challenge the stigma that many people affected by an eating disorder face.
Susan Ringwood is Beat’s Chief Executive. She has worked there since the charity first began and was called the Eating Disorders Association. “Beat is determined to challenge the stigma that many people affected by eating disorders in Wales feel. It is vital that people understand how serious an eating disorder is and where they can get help and support of they are ill,” said Susan.
Eating disorders are presented by the media as diet fads or as something that only celebrities get, in their pulsing desire to be as thin as possible. They don’t realise these are life threatening illnesses. Bulimics often die of a heart attack, after the strain of constant purging. Anorexics either die from starvation or a heart attack, after their heart tissue starts to eat itself.
Anorexia is the most recognized eating disorder among society, but actually it is the least common of the illnesses. Other types are bulimia (the act of bingeing and then purging), binge eating (like bulimia but without purging) and EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified – these often have traits of all the disorders, making it hard to diagnose). Nevertheless, anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses
An eating disorder is not glamorous nor will it give you a fantastic life. Eating disorders are cold, lonely and controlling. The teeth of bulimics erode from the acid in vomit. Hamster style cheeks and hollow eyes are a feature of a bulimic’s appearance. Sometimes they relax their throat muscles too much, that the slightest movement can make them be sick. Anorexics develop osteoporosis from lack of calcium as well as become infertile after the loss of periods. Their brain shrinks and they grow light hairs all over the body in attempt to keep warm.
Pro-ana websites have also given eating disorders bad press. Wanna-rexics promote anorexia as a life style choice, with diet tips, thinspiration quotes and photos on their sites. They highlight the myth that people choose to be anorexic. This is not the case.
I wouldn’t wish anorexia on anybody. At times it felt like there was no way out. My illness wanted me dead.
Many eating disorder sufferers recall having a voice, which encouraged them to lose weight, to purge, to over exercise even when they didn’t want to. For me, it got to the point that I couldn’t hear anybody else, except anorexia. She would shout, scream and cuss at me. She would say I was worthless, I was ugly and I was fat. I believed her and I thought by becoming so thin I was invisible, my life would be better.
Susan adds that the stigma surrounding eating disorders, as well as all mental illnesses, needs to be stopped. The question is how? When high street stores won’t stock Beat’s charity badges, when GPs don’t even understand eating disorders, when the media sensationalizes recovery stories by printing photos of sufferers at their lowest weight and when the general public call people with mental illnesses “crazy” and “freaks”, a lot needs to be changed.
Beat, along with it’s dedicated team of young ambassadors, are hoping to tackle the myths surrounding eating disorders as well as fighting stigma. Their first step this year was to produce The Beat Manifesto, asking the next government to take five practical steps to improve “treatment, understanding and support for people affected by eating disorders.”
Beat has asked it’s ambassadors and members to support the manifesto. They want people to tell them how they can do more, “drive the change and continue in” their “mission to beat eating disorders.”
With girls as young as eight are developing eating disorders, the media has a vital role to play to help out. If magazines celebrated different types of body shapes, perhaps less girls and women would feel dissatisfied with their bodies.
Positively, more curvy models are being booked in the fashion world. Perhaps journalists, stylists and designers are changing their views towards size zero. Yet there is still a long way to go.
As Susan rightly points out, “eating disorders are not about magazine headlines.” Journalists tend to focus on the low weight of a sufferer, demanding photos of them at their lowest rather than explaining the damage and distress caused.
To celebrate their 21st birthday, the charity is holding various events, including an exhibition of photographs and memoirs looking back at the past 21 years of Beat. It was launched during Eating Disorders Awareness Week but will tour many venues during the year.
A special memorial service is being held on the 28th September at Southwark Cathedral to remember those who have lost their lives to eating disorders.
There has been progress of raising awareness, especially within the media. Perhaps it needs to be accepted that fighting all stigma is going to take time. Last year, Beat received over 500 requests from national and international media. Famous people are starting to feel comfortable enough to reveal past eating disorders too. John Prescott, former Deputy Prime Minister, admitted to a personal battle with bulimia which in turn resulted in a tenfold increase in men calling the helplines. By people willing to talk about their experience, more people pluck up the courage to seek help.
Hollyoaks began an anorexia storyline in 2007. The storyline’s main character, Hannah, is still battling her eating disorder, showing successfully that recovery can take years. Scriptwriters worked closely with Beat and its members and have been praised for its “realistic and provocative coverage of mental health issues.” It is also the first TV programme to feature a fatality from anorexia.
One scriptwriter on Hollyoaks said, “I’m really glad to have worked with Beat on the eating disorders storyline. It’s opened my eyes to something I had a very fuzzy understanding of.”
Working closely with the media will provide better coverage and awareness, especially in targeting younger people.
I hope we don’t have to wait another 21 years until no one is ashamed of having an eating disorder.
Here is my first of many:
As a Beat ambassador, I have talked to the government and the media about my anorexia, which has had positive effects on the representation of eating disorders. Yet with the size zero debate and skinny celebrities, it’s not surprising that 78% of people still say they have experienced stigma as a result of their or their family member’s eating disorder.
As Beat celebrates it’s 21st birthday, why is there still so much stigma surrounding this mental health illness?
Beat, like many charities, is generally only known to those who are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder.
Whenever I tell anyone who I am doing charity work for, their first question is often ‘who is Beat?’
Although Beat had it’s most successful awareness week yet this year, with extensive media coverage, the sad fact is people don’t want to talk about eating disorders. From my own experience eating disorders are very much a ‘hush-hush’ subject, just like cancer was some twenty years ago.
A survey carried out by Beaufort Research and Beat highlights the fact that not many people understand what an eating disorder actually is. The majority of people believed that eating disorders are a lifestyle choice and a quarter think that people only get eating disorders because they want to lose weight. Only one in five people believe that eating disorders are a mental health issue.
This year, Beat launched a new project in Wales, Beat Cymru. This is a five year, Big Lottery funded project dedicated to improve support and information for people affected by eating disorders in Wales.
There are currently over 50,000 people in Wales who are suffering from an eating disorder. Beat Cymru will provide self-help support groups across Wales and campaign to challenge the stigma that many people affected by an eating disorder face.
Susan Ringwood is Beat’s Chief Executive. She has worked there since the charity first began and was called the Eating Disorders Association. “Beat is determined to challenge the stigma that many people affected by eating disorders in Wales feel. It is vital that people understand how serious an eating disorder is and where they can get help and support of they are ill,” said Susan.
Eating disorders are presented by the media as diet fads or as something that only celebrities get, in their pulsing desire to be as thin as possible. They don’t realise these are life threatening illnesses. Bulimics often die of a heart attack, after the strain of constant purging. Anorexics either die from starvation or a heart attack, after their heart tissue starts to eat itself.
Anorexia is the most recognized eating disorder among society, but actually it is the least common of the illnesses. Other types are bulimia (the act of bingeing and then purging), binge eating (like bulimia but without purging) and EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified – these often have traits of all the disorders, making it hard to diagnose). Nevertheless, anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses
An eating disorder is not glamorous nor will it give you a fantastic life. Eating disorders are cold, lonely and controlling. The teeth of bulimics erode from the acid in vomit. Hamster style cheeks and hollow eyes are a feature of a bulimic’s appearance. Sometimes they relax their throat muscles too much, that the slightest movement can make them be sick. Anorexics develop osteoporosis from lack of calcium as well as become infertile after the loss of periods. Their brain shrinks and they grow light hairs all over the body in attempt to keep warm.
Pro-ana websites have also given eating disorders bad press. Wanna-rexics promote anorexia as a life style choice, with diet tips, thinspiration quotes and photos on their sites. They highlight the myth that people choose to be anorexic. This is not the case.
I wouldn’t wish anorexia on anybody. At times it felt like there was no way out. My illness wanted me dead.
Many eating disorder sufferers recall having a voice, which encouraged them to lose weight, to purge, to over exercise even when they didn’t want to. For me, it got to the point that I couldn’t hear anybody else, except anorexia. She would shout, scream and cuss at me. She would say I was worthless, I was ugly and I was fat. I believed her and I thought by becoming so thin I was invisible, my life would be better.
Susan adds that the stigma surrounding eating disorders, as well as all mental illnesses, needs to be stopped. The question is how? When high street stores won’t stock Beat’s charity badges, when GPs don’t even understand eating disorders, when the media sensationalizes recovery stories by printing photos of sufferers at their lowest weight and when the general public call people with mental illnesses “crazy” and “freaks”, a lot needs to be changed.
Beat, along with it’s dedicated team of young ambassadors, are hoping to tackle the myths surrounding eating disorders as well as fighting stigma. Their first step this year was to produce The Beat Manifesto, asking the next government to take five practical steps to improve “treatment, understanding and support for people affected by eating disorders.”
Beat has asked it’s ambassadors and members to support the manifesto. They want people to tell them how they can do more, “drive the change and continue in” their “mission to beat eating disorders.”
With girls as young as eight are developing eating disorders, the media has a vital role to play to help out. If magazines celebrated different types of body shapes, perhaps less girls and women would feel dissatisfied with their bodies.
Positively, more curvy models are being booked in the fashion world. Perhaps journalists, stylists and designers are changing their views towards size zero. Yet there is still a long way to go.
As Susan rightly points out, “eating disorders are not about magazine headlines.” Journalists tend to focus on the low weight of a sufferer, demanding photos of them at their lowest rather than explaining the damage and distress caused.
To celebrate their 21st birthday, the charity is holding various events, including an exhibition of photographs and memoirs looking back at the past 21 years of Beat. It was launched during Eating Disorders Awareness Week but will tour many venues during the year.
A special memorial service is being held on the 28th September at Southwark Cathedral to remember those who have lost their lives to eating disorders.
There has been progress of raising awareness, especially within the media. Perhaps it needs to be accepted that fighting all stigma is going to take time. Last year, Beat received over 500 requests from national and international media. Famous people are starting to feel comfortable enough to reveal past eating disorders too. John Prescott, former Deputy Prime Minister, admitted to a personal battle with bulimia which in turn resulted in a tenfold increase in men calling the helplines. By people willing to talk about their experience, more people pluck up the courage to seek help.
Hollyoaks began an anorexia storyline in 2007. The storyline’s main character, Hannah, is still battling her eating disorder, showing successfully that recovery can take years. Scriptwriters worked closely with Beat and its members and have been praised for its “realistic and provocative coverage of mental health issues.” It is also the first TV programme to feature a fatality from anorexia.
One scriptwriter on Hollyoaks said, “I’m really glad to have worked with Beat on the eating disorders storyline. It’s opened my eyes to something I had a very fuzzy understanding of.”
Working closely with the media will provide better coverage and awareness, especially in targeting younger people.
I hope we don’t have to wait another 21 years until no one is ashamed of having an eating disorder.
Italty conference 2
Outside our workshop were posters of statements about eating disorders that arose on day one. However post-its were available to write your own thoughts so as an ambassador I wrote LOADS!
An Italian minister stopped to talk to me after I had written that eating disorders are more than just a diet; after a comment was written implying they were. He wasn't impressed with the outdated comment and praised me for standing up to it =]
Here are the statements I wrote.
Eating disorders workshop
Pro recovery!
Eating disorders are more than just weight and food
I am more than just my appearance
I am going to love myself flaws and all!
Recovery is about finding out who you really are and regaining your identity.
Goodbye anorexia!
ED sufferers have a voice too
EDS are NOT about being as thin as possible
I am an example that EDS can be beaten. Recovered anorexic
Eating disorders are NOT a diet gone wrong
Italy should have their own eating disorders charity
Motivate us! Don’t say we can’t do something
We are stronger than you think!
An Italian minister stopped to talk to me after I had written that eating disorders are more than just a diet; after a comment was written implying they were. He wasn't impressed with the outdated comment and praised me for standing up to it =]
Here are the statements I wrote.
Eating disorders workshop
Pro recovery!
Eating disorders are more than just weight and food
I am more than just my appearance
I am going to love myself flaws and all!
Recovery is about finding out who you really are and regaining your identity.
Goodbye anorexia!
ED sufferers have a voice too
EDS are NOT about being as thin as possible
I am an example that EDS can be beaten. Recovered anorexic
Eating disorders are NOT a diet gone wrong
Italy should have their own eating disorders charity
Motivate us! Don’t say we can’t do something
We are stronger than you think!
Italty conference
In June this year, I was given an amazing opportunity to speak at the Conference on Health and Well Being (ENRYCH) in Rome. There was a lot of media attraction, including TV channels and many Italian ministers were there.
I attended the eating disorders workshop and on the third day was able to give a talk with fellow ambassador Hannah. Here is my speech from the day:
My name is Rachel Cowey and I am from the North East England. I am 23 years old and I am a student. I have a degree in French and German and now I am studying my MA in magazine journalism. There is a misconception that anorexics are stupid but I disagree!
I am a young ambassador and am training to be a mentor.
Beat promotes the awareness of eating disorders through extensive research, media work, conferences and training for schools, professionals and carers.
The website has information for sufferers, parents, families and friends. It contains press releases and guidelines for the media. There is a young persons section which has message boards, live chats, Recovery Club and work written or done by young ambassadors.
There will be a new web site by the end of the year focused on recovery and motivation and there is a beat mentor project. There are 70 ambassadors ranging from the age of 14 to 24. We receive media training as well as support.
I have been an ambassador for almost five years. I have given presentations at the House of Commons twice and been involved in a question and answer session. I have spoken at health conferences both eating disorders related and gynaecologists. Beat produced a leaflet explaining my story which raised 11 million pounds from the National Lottery. This was a great sense of achievement that I had done so much to raise funds for a charity that has helped me enormously.
I have done a lot of media work: I was involved in a meeting with different magazines, informing them how best to report eating disorders and to make them aware that we are not comfortable giving photos of when we were at our illest as it sensationalises the subject and acts as a trigger to other sufferers. This is the same regarding what weight we dropped to. This is also because we know that eating disorders are not about being thin. There are many sufferers who have an eating disorder but are still a healthy weight.
I have spoken to radio stations, magazines, newspapers and web sites. Next month I will be appearing in leading woman’s magazine, Cosmopolitan which is both daunting and exciting! The media has become more interested in talking about eating disorders in a responsible manner. On Monday I appeared in my local newspaper speaking about my anorexia and the fact I had been given an amazing opportunity to speak at this conference. After this article the media has taken a big interest in me. Although it feels like I have been bombarded, I am happy that I have been given the chance to promote awareness and hopefully helped put an end to stigma. On Wednesday I appeared on a radio station speaking about this conference and I think both the radio station and newspaper will want to do a follow up story when I come back from Rome.
I have also been approached by two different media agencies who want to do features on me for magazines. I am also featured on someone’s blog who thought my story was inspirational.
With this media interest and the rise in young ambassadors, I truly believe we can make a difference. I want to make something positive out of a terrible part of my life – I want to help others and show that you can survive such a controlling illness – the illness that wanted me dead. Six years ago I was told I was going to die. The fact I am standing her today proves that eating disorders can be beaten!
I attended the eating disorders workshop and on the third day was able to give a talk with fellow ambassador Hannah. Here is my speech from the day:
My name is Rachel Cowey and I am from the North East England. I am 23 years old and I am a student. I have a degree in French and German and now I am studying my MA in magazine journalism. There is a misconception that anorexics are stupid but I disagree!
I am a young ambassador and am training to be a mentor.
Beat promotes the awareness of eating disorders through extensive research, media work, conferences and training for schools, professionals and carers.
The website has information for sufferers, parents, families and friends. It contains press releases and guidelines for the media. There is a young persons section which has message boards, live chats, Recovery Club and work written or done by young ambassadors.
There will be a new web site by the end of the year focused on recovery and motivation and there is a beat mentor project. There are 70 ambassadors ranging from the age of 14 to 24. We receive media training as well as support.
I have been an ambassador for almost five years. I have given presentations at the House of Commons twice and been involved in a question and answer session. I have spoken at health conferences both eating disorders related and gynaecologists. Beat produced a leaflet explaining my story which raised 11 million pounds from the National Lottery. This was a great sense of achievement that I had done so much to raise funds for a charity that has helped me enormously.
I have done a lot of media work: I was involved in a meeting with different magazines, informing them how best to report eating disorders and to make them aware that we are not comfortable giving photos of when we were at our illest as it sensationalises the subject and acts as a trigger to other sufferers. This is the same regarding what weight we dropped to. This is also because we know that eating disorders are not about being thin. There are many sufferers who have an eating disorder but are still a healthy weight.
I have spoken to radio stations, magazines, newspapers and web sites. Next month I will be appearing in leading woman’s magazine, Cosmopolitan which is both daunting and exciting! The media has become more interested in talking about eating disorders in a responsible manner. On Monday I appeared in my local newspaper speaking about my anorexia and the fact I had been given an amazing opportunity to speak at this conference. After this article the media has taken a big interest in me. Although it feels like I have been bombarded, I am happy that I have been given the chance to promote awareness and hopefully helped put an end to stigma. On Wednesday I appeared on a radio station speaking about this conference and I think both the radio station and newspaper will want to do a follow up story when I come back from Rome.
I have also been approached by two different media agencies who want to do features on me for magazines. I am also featured on someone’s blog who thought my story was inspirational.
With this media interest and the rise in young ambassadors, I truly believe we can make a difference. I want to make something positive out of a terrible part of my life – I want to help others and show that you can survive such a controlling illness – the illness that wanted me dead. Six years ago I was told I was going to die. The fact I am standing her today proves that eating disorders can be beaten!
Things I like about being an ambassador for Beat:
I meet people who understand me straight away;
I have met amazing people who are braver than anyone I know;
I get to do incredible things;
I have a purpose;
I am raising awareness;
I am helping others;
And best of all I am making something positive out of an illness that wanted me dead.
I have met amazing people who are braver than anyone I know;
I get to do incredible things;
I have a purpose;
I am raising awareness;
I am helping others;
And best of all I am making something positive out of an illness that wanted me dead.
What I have done for Beat so far:
A Q & A session at the House of Commons
Two presentations at the House of Commons
Two presentations at the Conference on Health and Well Being of Young People in Rome
Two presentations at the Teenage Anorexia Nervosa Conference in Cambridge
Presentation at EDA (Beat)’s annual meeting
A Q & A session in Manchester
Media conference with leading magazine journalists
Presentation at the Royal College of Gynaecologists
Presentation at the UK Youth Parliament
Gave my views at Royal College of Psychiatrists audit
A meeting with David Millaband, my local MP
Interviews with:
The Shields Gazette
The Evening Chronicle
BBC Radio Newcastle
Metro Radio
Real Radio
Sunday Surgery
Cosmopolitan
Sunderland Echo
Adlib magazine
Research for Universities and University students
Filmed for a University student
Patient representative for Royal Victoria Infirmary, Newcastle
Hosted a live chat for Beat
Helped Beat create their website and new logo
Wrote articles for Beat’s website
Wrote articles and edited on issue of the then called Talkback magazine
Media training
Part of Beat mentor project
My story was produced in a leaflet and raised 11 million pounds from the National Lottery
An article I wrote on motivation for Talkback was printed in leaflets because it was liked so much
Wrote articles for the Sunderland Echo and Sunderland University’s online magazine, Detour
Two presentations at the House of Commons
Two presentations at the Conference on Health and Well Being of Young People in Rome
Two presentations at the Teenage Anorexia Nervosa Conference in Cambridge
Presentation at EDA (Beat)’s annual meeting
A Q & A session in Manchester
Media conference with leading magazine journalists
Presentation at the Royal College of Gynaecologists
Presentation at the UK Youth Parliament
Gave my views at Royal College of Psychiatrists audit
A meeting with David Millaband, my local MP
Interviews with:
The Shields Gazette
The Evening Chronicle
BBC Radio Newcastle
Metro Radio
Real Radio
Sunday Surgery
Cosmopolitan
Sunderland Echo
Adlib magazine
Research for Universities and University students
Filmed for a University student
Patient representative for Royal Victoria Infirmary, Newcastle
Hosted a live chat for Beat
Helped Beat create their website and new logo
Wrote articles for Beat’s website
Wrote articles and edited on issue of the then called Talkback magazine
Media training
Part of Beat mentor project
My story was produced in a leaflet and raised 11 million pounds from the National Lottery
An article I wrote on motivation for Talkback was printed in leaflets because it was liked so much
Wrote articles for the Sunderland Echo and Sunderland University’s online magazine, Detour
Me...
I have been a Beat ambassador for five years this September. Beat is the leading charity for eating disorders in the UK and possibly Europe too. They are dedicated to raising awareness in schools, the government, the media etc. They want to improve services and support sufferers.
Check them out at www.b-eat.co.uk
This blog is to record my efforts as a Beat ambassador =]
Check them out at www.b-eat.co.uk
This blog is to record my efforts as a Beat ambassador =]
Recovery Is Possible
I am a firm believer that recovery is possible for all sufferers of an eating disorder. However I am also strongly against inpatient treatment unless it is the only option or there are too many health implications. Instead I think that true recovery comes from being in real life.
Happily, I am now classed as recovered but I still want to help others. To give people a place to help each others, share recovery tips as well as my own.
My recovery
I’ll admit, when I first got taken to the unit, I didn’t want to recover. In fact, I hardly put any weight on during the first 18 months and it got to the point that I was nearly discharged from the unit because they couldn’t help me anymore. Something clicked in me then and I knew that I wanted something more than what anorexia was giving me.
Putting myself back into the real world is what helped for me. For starters it helped that from day one I was an outpatient with my mother as my main carer. I was among my own things; people could visit me as and when they liked and I did not have to be tube fed (although I did suffer the ‘delights’ of Ensure supplement drinks!’). I didn’t have to readjust to living at home after being in hospital. Plus my mother did what she thought was best for me – this included starting off with smaller portions and going against what the unit wanted of keeping me prisoner in my bedroom. Instead she allowed me to go out a few times a week as long as I got a lift there and back.
My motivation to get into university encouraged me to eat yet I still wasn’t prepared to give up anorexia. I decided to recover when I realised I couldn’t achieve my dreams at the weight I was nor could I be like others my own age. So I began to work hard at my recovery. I ate meals with close friends; I ate meals on my own; I did various therapy exercises; I had a part time job and I passed my driving test. I pushed myself to make new friends and involve myself in a social life. I accepted invitations I would have normally said no to; I even went to New Zealand on my own after an invite to stay with a friend! I learnt to accept emotions and even allowed myself to fall in love.
Although I often still have to do self-esteem exercises and I am no good at relationships, I have managed to stop anorexia darkening my door again. This is from realising that I can’t have my life with anorexia. I can’t go out partying; I can’t do my masters; I can’t have two part time jobs; I can’t wear pretty clothes and I can’t drive my car. With anorexia, I am dependent, my parents don’t trust me and younger family members are scared to talk to me. With anorexia, I don’t have a future: with recovery, I do. I know which one I would choose, do you?
Happily, I am now classed as recovered but I still want to help others. To give people a place to help each others, share recovery tips as well as my own.
My recovery
I’ll admit, when I first got taken to the unit, I didn’t want to recover. In fact, I hardly put any weight on during the first 18 months and it got to the point that I was nearly discharged from the unit because they couldn’t help me anymore. Something clicked in me then and I knew that I wanted something more than what anorexia was giving me.
Putting myself back into the real world is what helped for me. For starters it helped that from day one I was an outpatient with my mother as my main carer. I was among my own things; people could visit me as and when they liked and I did not have to be tube fed (although I did suffer the ‘delights’ of Ensure supplement drinks!’). I didn’t have to readjust to living at home after being in hospital. Plus my mother did what she thought was best for me – this included starting off with smaller portions and going against what the unit wanted of keeping me prisoner in my bedroom. Instead she allowed me to go out a few times a week as long as I got a lift there and back.
My motivation to get into university encouraged me to eat yet I still wasn’t prepared to give up anorexia. I decided to recover when I realised I couldn’t achieve my dreams at the weight I was nor could I be like others my own age. So I began to work hard at my recovery. I ate meals with close friends; I ate meals on my own; I did various therapy exercises; I had a part time job and I passed my driving test. I pushed myself to make new friends and involve myself in a social life. I accepted invitations I would have normally said no to; I even went to New Zealand on my own after an invite to stay with a friend! I learnt to accept emotions and even allowed myself to fall in love.
Although I often still have to do self-esteem exercises and I am no good at relationships, I have managed to stop anorexia darkening my door again. This is from realising that I can’t have my life with anorexia. I can’t go out partying; I can’t do my masters; I can’t have two part time jobs; I can’t wear pretty clothes and I can’t drive my car. With anorexia, I am dependent, my parents don’t trust me and younger family members are scared to talk to me. With anorexia, I don’t have a future: with recovery, I do. I know which one I would choose, do you?
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