The Many Faces Of Anorexia

I am helping my friend with her uni essay about the personality traits in the development, course and outcome of an eating disorder. Here are some of mine:

Development of anorexia:

unrealistic expectations - I thought I had to achieve As in anything to be seen as good enough. If I didn't, I was a failure and my parents would be disappointed in me.

I thought I could only have lots of friends if I was skinny, beautiful, gorgeous (everything I wasn't)

addictive - I was addicted to the rush I got from not eating for days on end.

perfectionism and high achiever - All I could think about was college work. I was so involved in studying & my eating disorder, I actually used to do homework set in my 9am lesson in my morning break! It was also a way to stop people making silly comments to me about my weight.

I studied constantly. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. I was very eager to please & be there for everybody.

Intelligent - I got high marks all the time, yet in college there were lots of clever people & I felt out of my depth.

Quiet/shy - I kept myself to myself always grateful to be invited places & seen to be popular. I'd never had a boyfriend.

Control - I liked to know what I was mean to be doing and when.

During my anorexia:

I had a lot of negative personality traits which are regarded to have been part of my illness.

Selfish - I mostly thought about me & pleasing anorexia. I barely cared about anyone else, making people cry.

Argumentative - I argued with friends, family & the unit. No, I was not anorexic. No I would not gain weight. I used to swear and shout at my psychologists, telling them I hated them.

Self-absorbed - I was in my anorexic world. All I thought about was calories and ways of losing weight.

Liar - I lied to everyone. I said I wasn't anorexic, I was eating. At the unit, I lied about exercising. I lied about my supplement drinks (I barely drank any). I hid food at nearly every mealtime. I made myself sick. I tried to run away. I self harmed. I did everything to please anorexia and I didn't care who I hurt. To me anorexia was my best friend.

Perfectionist & high achiever - Although I was not in college full time, I studied constantly handing in assignments early and doing extra work. I wanted to be the best.

I had to be active all the time. I couldn't just sit watching TV. I saw this as being lazy & a waste of space.

Control - Because I could no longer control my food, I tried to control my family instead by dictating when we ate and what we did.

Quiet/shy - I was even more timid when anorexic, as I spent a lot of my time at home. I lost friends. I got upset easily.

My mam says I was possessed & she had to remind herself that her daughter was still there.

It is hard to remember what life was like as an anorexic - from the ages of 16 - 20 my life is quite blank.

Outcome of anorexia :

Perfectionism & high achiever - I still am both of these; I have just learnt to control them. I no longer study constantly but I do like to be active & learn new things. I am always striving for better & place a lot of pressure on myself.

I constantly want to look good, worry about my appearance & compare myself to others.

Quiet/shy - I am not as shy as I once was. In fact, I talk a lot & would seem confident. To be honest, most of it is an act. Really I'm shy, insecure & want to be liked. I go out of my way to please others, to be there for them at all times yet often people take advantage of my kindness & play on my insecurities.

I am behind people my own age.

Competitive - I didn't really have anyone to compete with but now when anyone says they're going on a diet; I always know I will beat them!

Low self esteem - throughout the course of my life and anorexia.
I don't respect who I am which is why I put up with poor treatment from boys and friends. When boys treat me badly I believe it is how I am meant to be treated.

I Hate Anorexia

It's true; I really do.

I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.

I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.

I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.

I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.

I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.

I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.

I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.

And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)

There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)

Lost

I didnt get any response to my last post so I hope people are still reading... I know I have been a bit down lately and hope thats not why people arent commenting anymore!

I wish I could be more positive but I just feel utterly lost at the moment.

I am grateful that I have a job but its not the one I want.

I am finding it hard to live at home again especially when my parents dont trust me.

I am self harming again to the point I am bandaged up which means people will ask questions :|

I am allowing my ex boyfriend to use me again because I want to feel wanted and alive.

I am making sure I am out of the house and busy at all times - I am running away from myself.

Maybe it wasnt a good idea to come home?

What I Have Learnt In Australia So Far :)

I am not ashamed of my anorexia. Anybody who is bothered by it, is a big waste of my time.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.

It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.

I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.

I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)

I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.

Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.

I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)

For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.

When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.

Worry Mind

One of my biggest flaws is that I think too much. I worry about the littlest things to the point I can't sleep and I get a bad head!

So what is on my mind at the moment?

That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.

I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.

And yet I still worry.

I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.

I hope I am worrying for nothing!

A Confession

I have yet to properly talk to anyone about this. My therapist knew but I dont see her anymore; people in my home town believe they know me enough to spread gossip about it. I wanted to speak out on my blog as I dont have anyone who understands me. I also wanted to share some useful links for anyone else suffering.

So what am I confessing to?

My battle with self-harm which has gone on for seven years now, including hospital visits and embarrassing trips to pharmacies where my brother forced me to tell the pharmacist what I had done to myself.

I have had people ask about my cuts or scars with me hiding in myself not wanting them to know. I have had someone go up to my then boyfriend to say yeah I was lovely but did he know I cut myself? I have also had the same boyfriend tell me he tried to self harm when he was feeling down and to try to understand why I did it. This made me sad that I am in a way influencing people to self harm too.

Here are some links I have found useful:

www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm

www.freewebs.com/selfharm_help/

teenadvice.about.com/od/.../Cutting_Branding_Self_Injury.htm

www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=43

www.harmless.org.uk/

http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads.html

Home town...

... Thinking about my home town has made me stop and question my struggle with self-esteem. Maybe the world I have surrounded myself there has further fuelled my self-hatred. And even though I am in Australia I am still tied to it in a way. I know that when I go back home, I need to stay away from that world. I need to work outside of it, socialise outside of it. Of course I will still have my same friends but I don't want the night life that goes with it.

In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.

There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.

And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.

I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)

30 Things I Like About Myself

I recently read a post about setting yourself the challenge of writing down thirty things you like about yourself. Here is my go:

1. I am a total bookworm and am happy to escape in other worlds.

2. I am a geek - I love learning new things.

3. The simple things matter to me when it comes to boys - holding hands, kisses, snuggling.

4. I have a random taste in music.

5. I am an avid traveller.

6. I speak French - I read books and magazines in French.

7. I give my cars names.

8. I try my best to stay in touch with friends by letter, text, email or facebook.

9. I make friends easily.

10. I am not afraid to be myself - I collect international magazines. I make collages and save articles I like. I sketch. I make memory books/scrapbooks.

11. My Mam is my best friend.

12. I like to dance in my room.

13. I am a total daydreamer.

14. I am a Beat ambassador. I am helping other people.

15. I never, ever give up - I conquered anorexia. I got my degree. I learned to ride a bike aged 15. I passed my A-Levels whilst ill.

16. I am tall and have long legs.

17. I am always smiling.

18. I have friends all over England.

19. I am an Auntie. I would love to be a mother myself.

20. I take pride in my appearance.

21. I am very family orientated.

22. I appreciate little things - like the first flowers in spring, rustling through leaves in autumn, seeing a butterfly etc.

23. I am a complex person. There is a lot people don't know about me.

24. I am always writing -blogs, articles, a novel, lists!

25. I am not afraid to try new things.

26. I am a romantic.

27. I am comfortable in my own company.

28. I am addicted to buying magazines.

29. I am proud of my 'flaws' - anorexia and self harm; as they represent my courage to overcome difficult times.

30. I am unique and I am trying to not care what other people think of me anymore.