The Many Faces Of Anorexia

I am helping my friend with her uni essay about the personality traits in the development, course and outcome of an eating disorder. Here are some of mine:

Development of anorexia:

unrealistic expectations - I thought I had to achieve As in anything to be seen as good enough. If I didn't, I was a failure and my parents would be disappointed in me.

I thought I could only have lots of friends if I was skinny, beautiful, gorgeous (everything I wasn't)

addictive - I was addicted to the rush I got from not eating for days on end.

perfectionism and high achiever - All I could think about was college work. I was so involved in studying & my eating disorder, I actually used to do homework set in my 9am lesson in my morning break! It was also a way to stop people making silly comments to me about my weight.

I studied constantly. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. I was very eager to please & be there for everybody.

Intelligent - I got high marks all the time, yet in college there were lots of clever people & I felt out of my depth.

Quiet/shy - I kept myself to myself always grateful to be invited places & seen to be popular. I'd never had a boyfriend.

Control - I liked to know what I was mean to be doing and when.

During my anorexia:

I had a lot of negative personality traits which are regarded to have been part of my illness.

Selfish - I mostly thought about me & pleasing anorexia. I barely cared about anyone else, making people cry.

Argumentative - I argued with friends, family & the unit. No, I was not anorexic. No I would not gain weight. I used to swear and shout at my psychologists, telling them I hated them.

Self-absorbed - I was in my anorexic world. All I thought about was calories and ways of losing weight.

Liar - I lied to everyone. I said I wasn't anorexic, I was eating. At the unit, I lied about exercising. I lied about my supplement drinks (I barely drank any). I hid food at nearly every mealtime. I made myself sick. I tried to run away. I self harmed. I did everything to please anorexia and I didn't care who I hurt. To me anorexia was my best friend.

Perfectionist & high achiever - Although I was not in college full time, I studied constantly handing in assignments early and doing extra work. I wanted to be the best.

I had to be active all the time. I couldn't just sit watching TV. I saw this as being lazy & a waste of space.

Control - Because I could no longer control my food, I tried to control my family instead by dictating when we ate and what we did.

Quiet/shy - I was even more timid when anorexic, as I spent a lot of my time at home. I lost friends. I got upset easily.

My mam says I was possessed & she had to remind herself that her daughter was still there.

It is hard to remember what life was like as an anorexic - from the ages of 16 - 20 my life is quite blank.

Outcome of anorexia :

Perfectionism & high achiever - I still am both of these; I have just learnt to control them. I no longer study constantly but I do like to be active & learn new things. I am always striving for better & place a lot of pressure on myself.

I constantly want to look good, worry about my appearance & compare myself to others.

Quiet/shy - I am not as shy as I once was. In fact, I talk a lot & would seem confident. To be honest, most of it is an act. Really I'm shy, insecure & want to be liked. I go out of my way to please others, to be there for them at all times yet often people take advantage of my kindness & play on my insecurities.

I am behind people my own age.

Competitive - I didn't really have anyone to compete with but now when anyone says they're going on a diet; I always know I will beat them!

Low self esteem - throughout the course of my life and anorexia.
I don't respect who I am which is why I put up with poor treatment from boys and friends. When boys treat me badly I believe it is how I am meant to be treated.

Bye to BYA

Last week I resigned as a Beat Young Ambassador and I feel much better for having done so.

Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)

I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!

Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.

Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.

Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.

So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.

But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:

I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.

And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)

Wish me luck :)

Goodbye Anorexia

As you may know I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. In fact I have struggled a lot more in Australia than I have let on to anybody. So when I saw a triggering photo, it set off my underlying problems and I began to do all my bad habits again.

Until I got ill. my inflamed sternum flared up after all the exercise I had done; I was dizzy due to restricting and vomiting; I had insane stomach cramps; I couldnt be bothered to do anything; I had a cold because my immune system is rubbish anyway from anorexia.

Having to stop and rest made me think. Was it really all worth it? Of course not.

Anorexia is lonely and tiring.
Anorexia makes me sick, snappy and moody.
Anorexia strips away the person I am.
Anorexia makes me into a girl not a woman.
Anorexic is not who I am anymore.

I have come too far in my recovery to let anorexia take over my life again. I have too many ambitions and dreams that I want to achieve. I sure as hell dont want to go backwards; back to a life of nothing.

So goodbye anorexia. You cant fool me this time!

It was all a hoax....

Yesterday the guy off twitter announced that his promotion of managed anorexia was all a hoax - a 'scientific experimentation' as he called it to see if he could become famous overnight; a bet with his friend. I think it being a hoax is even worse. That he knew what he was doing was wrong and he still went ahead with his twisted plans.

What has angered me more is the media's and twitter's reaction to him. If he had chosen a topic like racism or suicide, there would have been public outrage and he would have surely been taken off Twitter immediately. Instead he chose anorexia - something that the vast majority has never comprehended at the best of times. Therefore he was allowed to stay on twitter as apparently he wasn't doing that much harm. Thankfully sufferers like me and positive body image advocates took a stand against him: creating a petition as well as tweeting #itswhatsinsidethatcounts. Celebs showed their disgust at him too, which I greatly appreciated - Rhianna, Rochelle Saturdays, Gordon Ramsay... Simon Cowell even urged people to tweet #notosizezero

The guy believes that by donating money to Beat he can redeem his terrible actions but how can he? He has already affected people, myself included. And that is something no apology or donation can ever fix. I also feel like he has ruined all the amazing work Beat has done over the past 21 years; work the ambassadors have done and the last 5 years of work I have done as an ambassador myself on campaigning for the awareness of eating disorders.

Eating disorders are like a taboo subject - no body want to talk about them. Why i have no idea. You could say it is because they are a mental health illness but a lot of people think eating disorders are extreme diets or all about appearances. Whatever the reason it needs to stop. I am not ashamed of my anorexia - most of my friends know I have been anorexic and are very supportive of me. So if I don't care that I used to be anorexic, why should anyone else be bothered?

I am already writing a book as is an amazing friend of mine of our ordeals and battle between anorexia and us - I hope that more people will understand because of our stories. I also hope he may have an ounce of decency left and read them so he can understand how awful an eating disorder is to live with.

I know people have written that surely everyone could see he was a hoax but the reality is eating disorder sufferers are vulnerable people and when he was attacking girls' rolemodels like Holly Willoughby for being "fat", girls and boys could start worrying about their appearance. The same with his backlash against Rochelle Wiseman saying if she wasn't thin she wouldn't be in The Saturdays. What kind of message is that sending? You dont have to be a size zero to be successful; in fact the irony is when you are a unnatural size zero you cannot do anything at all.

I thought anorexia would make me happy and perfect. It didn't. Perfection doesnt exist for a start. I was never good enough for anorexia; I wasn't thin enough; I didnt die.

When I was anorexic I had no interest in anything; all I wanted was to disappear and not have to suffer anymore. Yet when I came close to death I realised I didnt want to die. There was so much I wanted to achieve with my life. But first I had to battle this illness that wanted me dead. When I was stopped in my tracks by the unit, I had no life. I had no energy; my body was shutting down. I couldn't go out with my friends; I couldnt go to college or work; I couldn't drive, walk or anything. I wasn't interested in boys like my friends were; I hadn't laughed in months. I lost friends because they were living their lives whilst I was under my mam's 24 hour care. All I was, was an empty shell; a walking skeleton.

Anorexia took a lot from me but the best day was when i realised she didnt control me anymore; that I had the right to be happy and to learn how to love the person I am.

I would never wish anorexia on anyone not even my worst enemy and I sincerely hope he never has to experience anyone close to him, to be taken over by an eating disorder, as he will truly regret making a joke out of a very serious mental health illness.

The Big Debate

Unless you have been hiding from social media this week, you will all know what my post is about: the current outrage at a certain someone who thinks promoting size zero and anorexia is a good thing.

I didn't want to write about it but I think this person has been allowed to stay on Twitter for too long. I thought that by asking people in the British media to help would give us a head start, as usually they excel at social campaigns such as this one.

Imagine then my dismay when barely anyone paid any attention except for lovely people at ELLE and Red magazine. Instead I was told that I was helping this idiot become news just because I was standing up against them! The fact remains that even after the amazing work of Beat; the awesome work of all Beat's Young Ambassadors and other lovely advocates of positive body image, the media still has no clue at how serious an eating disorder is and how potentially dangerous pro-anorexia can be.

Eating disorders kill. Fact.
Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Fact.
Eating disorders wreck people's lives. Fact.

Once upon a time I thought anorexia was the only thing I was good at. I believed I was in control and soon I would be able to disappear. To be invisible so nobody could bully me anymore and call me ugly. However being anorexic gave me attention I did not want. People getting upset about my sunken face, my lifeless eyes, my desire to do nothing but exercise and study, my jutting bones and my shrunken body.

Also I was not in control; my eating disorder was. Anorexia told me to trust nobody; they all wanted me to be fat. Anorexia shouted that I was fat, ugly, worthless, unloveable and stupid. Anorexia lost me the trust of my family; it made my parents worry if they were going to find me dead in the morning.

Anorexia is not pretty. Anorexia is not glamorous. Anorexia is evil. It will strip you of the person you are until there is no one left. It won't be happy until you are dead.

This whole management of anorexia is not possible. An eating disorder manages you.

The best thing about anorexia? It is beatable. Myself and many others are proof of this. Recovery can be a very long and hard battle but it is completely worth it. I can laugh again, dance and spend time with my friends. My family are proud of me; I am starting to be proud of me. Recovery is many things; read my blog and you will see how wonderful it is :)

Now I hear people say, "Yeah this guy isnt making anyone be anorexic!" and you would be right. Yet I know how damaging pro-anorexia can be. It is after all why hundreds of pro-ana web sites were shut down in the first place. People already in a vulnerable state, who feel like nobody understands them, often turn to pro-ana. Pro-ana glamourises anorexia; pro-ana tells you that you are not a good enough anorexic; pro-ana urges you to follow their tips, to stare at the thinspiration photos, to starve yourself to death.

This man may not directly make anyone become anorexic but his tweets are dangerous to those who are already in the midst of an eating disorder. I know it is. I have friends who have been greatly affected by his words. Even I have been affected by them; to the point I have had to remind myself why recovery is worth it. And it so is.

So please take a moment to think about this. Please do sign the petition at http://twitition.com/wq6ke and let's restore my faith in humanity.

Attracting The Right Guy

Now why is my post called this? I seem to have a habit of being sub-conciously attracted to guys who play on my insecurities, by using them to their own advantage. I got myself involved in a two year on and off relationship because I loved my ex that much I believed anything he said to me, when really he was probably just trying to get me into bed. Before now I believed this was how I was meant to be treated - but I deserve more. Being in Australia has forced me to look at my past behaviours and beliefs.

I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.

I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.

On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.

The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.

Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:

"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."

Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.

So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:

"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!

20 Things I Have Achieved This Year...

So here's another thing I read in a magazine - Frankie - writing down twenty of the things you've achieved in 2010. Here is mine:

1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.

Fitting In

Not once in my 23 years have I ever felt like I fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at university, not in any of my jobs, not in my family and not with my friends.

In junior school, I didn’t fit in because my Mam stuffed me in frilly dresses until I was 11 whilst everyone else was wearing trackies. This resulted in me being picked on, and then retaliating by refusing to wear dresses again until I was fifteen.

In senior school, I didn’t fit in because I didn’t get pocket money so I couldn’t buy clothes that everybody else had set as the trend.

I never fitted in because I had older parents than everyone else. Once somebody thought they were my grandparents! I am not ashamed of having older parents; it was one more factor that made me different.

In college, I became an outcast because of my anorexia, First year; I curled into myself for protection. I was quiet, a shadow of my former self. I was snappy and moody, obsessed with my eating disorder, unaware of anything happening around me. Second year, I was a prisoner in my own home, only allowed out for ‘good behaviour’ and a few college lessons. I was the girl known as anorexic Rachel.

In University, I didn’t fit in as I was attempting to find the real Rachel again. Who I was, what my dreams were, whether or not I wanted to let go of anorexia, my safety blanket. I spent the first two years avoiding being around people at lunch time. I didn’t lead a party lifestyle, I was too weak and I didn’t know how to interact with people my own age.

In my first bar job, I didn’t fit in because I hadn’t been around people my own age for too long. I’d never had a boyfriend; I couldn’t drive; I hadn’t been on a wild night out since I was 16.

Yet this job was my entry back into a young person’s life. I made more friends, I went out after work, I started attracting and being attracted to boys, I had a boyfriend, I passed my driving test.

However I still feel different to other people my age, even now. I’ve been through more traumatic events than the vast majority as well as experiences I never would have had, if I’d never been anorexic. I have conquered the illness that wanted me dead; I have battled to get treatment; I have had far too many blood tests; I have had to reveal personal thoughts to more people than I dare count. I have had doctors stare at me as if I’m insane; I have had people doubt my ability and state that I am going to fail college. I have had people shout out about my illness in the middle of a night club; I have witnessed my half sister and cousin being too scared to talk to me. I could go on and on. All these events account for my personality but they are also the reasons why I stand out.

My positive experiences from anorexia are something else that makes me different as none of my friends have done anything like them before. I have met my local MP; I have given presentations at the House of Commons, to professionals and to the youth parliament. I have been on the radio; I have been in magazines and newspapers. I recently appeared on the front page of my local paper. I have travelled to New Zealand twice on my own; I have met truly wonderful people who have also been anorexic. I have grown closer to my Mam; I am more aware of other people and their own emotions; I have been involved in re-vamping a national charity; I have been in a media summit. Again my list is endless. Again people can’t relate to it. Although I am no longer ill, anorexia will always be a part of my identity because it made me the person I am today.

I am unlike a lot of my peers in other ways too. I am a doer and a perfectionist. I don’t stay in bed all day; I don’t watch TV all the time (in fact I don’t even have a TV in my room!); I don’t want a boyfriend; I don’t want to go on a rave holiday. I like walks in the countryside, sketching, getting lost in a book, making scrap books, collecting foreign magazines, learning languages, day dreaming, being with my family and writing my diary. I like making cards for people or writing them random notes and letters to let them know I care. Yes, I like doing what other 23 year olds do – going out clubbing, getting drunk, going to the cinema, shopping, make-up, flirting, going on dates and being admired. There’s just more to me than that.

What it has taken me a long time to accept, is that it is okay to be different. I would rather be me, than be a clone of somebody else. I’d rather know that there is only one Rachel Lauren Cowey and there never will be anyone else quite like me. That’s something to be proud of. I am not going to be ashamed of myself anymore nor will I apologise for the person I am.

I've come a long way!

With recovery or even being almost recovered, it is easy to forget how much things have actually changed. So I've decided to list all of the things I can do now =] Hopefully it will motivate you too or just make you smile.

1. I laugh at things now.
2. I listen to music.
3. I can concentrate on a good book.
4. I can drive and have owned two cars.
5. I can get on a bus, a train or a plane. (When I was ill, I wasn't allowed to travel)
6. I like going clothes shopping.
7. I cook things out of pleasure.
8. I can eat in public, in front of strangers and at all times of the day.
9. I eat a variety of foods.
10. I have learned how to relax - I can just sit and watch a DVD; not thinking that I'm being lazy.
11. I can have a proper bath (When I was ill, I was only allowed to be in a few inches of water)
12. I have my privacy back.
13. I can walk as I have the strength now.
14. I can drink alcohol.
15. I eat ice cream and sweets when I want to.
16. I can have a job and have had many!
17. I have had boyfriends and am interested in boys.
18. I am attractive to the other sex.
19. I can go on holidays.
20. I have more concentration.
21. I can hold a conversation.
22. I am Rachel; not an anorexic!