Broken Record

I feel like I go on about this all the time but I just can't seem to stop being upset over my ex. I guess it's because he always comes back into my life and then he upsets me again. Things had been going well between us; he spoke to me every day, we hung out and he was being lovely. But now I haven't heard from him since Thursday meaning he's probably with another girl. I feel like there's something wrong with me and that's why he doesn't want me.

I can't go on like this anymore. Being happy and then sad all the time. I just feel so horrible about myself that I don't know how to stop.

Body Gossip monologue

Sorry I have been quiet lately...dealing with a few things, including the fact that a lot of people at work have found out about my eating disorder after someone at work emailed out an article about me. :( It had been so nice to be in a place where no one knew about it. I guess anorexia is always going to appear in my life one way or another.

Anyway I wanted to share the monologue I wrote for Body Gossip and My Personal Best. There was an event held on saturday which was a success. Mine wasn't performed but I thought I would share it with you all:

Rachel’s monologue
You thought you could beat me,
You couldn’t have been more wrong,
Because you picked the wrong girl to mess with.
You won for a while,
After convincing me that everyone hated me,
And only you were my best friend.
You forced me to diet, vomit and exercise.
You turned me into a selfish, lying monster,
But then I realised you were wrong.
I was loved and I was worthwhile,
I deserved to be alive.
My battle with you was hard,
Yet in the end it was me who won.
So goodbye anorexia, I do not need or want you.
I am happy to just be me, Rachel.

I Hate Anorexia

It's true; I really do.

I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.

I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.

I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.

I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.

I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.

I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.

I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.

And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)

There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)

A Struggle With The Present

Okay so today I am wearing pretty colours for my new happy, healthy future as well as my lush Once upon a time necklace as I do hope to achieve my dreams. So why am I feeling completely miserable then?

I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.

My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.

I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!

When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.

After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.

And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)

A Day Of Saying Goodbye...

You may have seen on Twitter that I am wearing black today. This is to say goodbye to everything I once was.

I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.

I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!

I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)

I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.

Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.

I feel a lot happier :)

Bye to BYA

Last week I resigned as a Beat Young Ambassador and I feel much better for having done so.

Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)

I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!

Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.

Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.

Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.

So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.

But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:

I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.

And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)

Wish me luck :)