The Many Faces Of Anorexia

I am helping my friend with her uni essay about the personality traits in the development, course and outcome of an eating disorder. Here are some of mine:

Development of anorexia:

unrealistic expectations - I thought I had to achieve As in anything to be seen as good enough. If I didn't, I was a failure and my parents would be disappointed in me.

I thought I could only have lots of friends if I was skinny, beautiful, gorgeous (everything I wasn't)

addictive - I was addicted to the rush I got from not eating for days on end.

perfectionism and high achiever - All I could think about was college work. I was so involved in studying & my eating disorder, I actually used to do homework set in my 9am lesson in my morning break! It was also a way to stop people making silly comments to me about my weight.

I studied constantly. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. I was very eager to please & be there for everybody.

Intelligent - I got high marks all the time, yet in college there were lots of clever people & I felt out of my depth.

Quiet/shy - I kept myself to myself always grateful to be invited places & seen to be popular. I'd never had a boyfriend.

Control - I liked to know what I was mean to be doing and when.

During my anorexia:

I had a lot of negative personality traits which are regarded to have been part of my illness.

Selfish - I mostly thought about me & pleasing anorexia. I barely cared about anyone else, making people cry.

Argumentative - I argued with friends, family & the unit. No, I was not anorexic. No I would not gain weight. I used to swear and shout at my psychologists, telling them I hated them.

Self-absorbed - I was in my anorexic world. All I thought about was calories and ways of losing weight.

Liar - I lied to everyone. I said I wasn't anorexic, I was eating. At the unit, I lied about exercising. I lied about my supplement drinks (I barely drank any). I hid food at nearly every mealtime. I made myself sick. I tried to run away. I self harmed. I did everything to please anorexia and I didn't care who I hurt. To me anorexia was my best friend.

Perfectionist & high achiever - Although I was not in college full time, I studied constantly handing in assignments early and doing extra work. I wanted to be the best.

I had to be active all the time. I couldn't just sit watching TV. I saw this as being lazy & a waste of space.

Control - Because I could no longer control my food, I tried to control my family instead by dictating when we ate and what we did.

Quiet/shy - I was even more timid when anorexic, as I spent a lot of my time at home. I lost friends. I got upset easily.

My mam says I was possessed & she had to remind herself that her daughter was still there.

It is hard to remember what life was like as an anorexic - from the ages of 16 - 20 my life is quite blank.

Outcome of anorexia :

Perfectionism & high achiever - I still am both of these; I have just learnt to control them. I no longer study constantly but I do like to be active & learn new things. I am always striving for better & place a lot of pressure on myself.

I constantly want to look good, worry about my appearance & compare myself to others.

Quiet/shy - I am not as shy as I once was. In fact, I talk a lot & would seem confident. To be honest, most of it is an act. Really I'm shy, insecure & want to be liked. I go out of my way to please others, to be there for them at all times yet often people take advantage of my kindness & play on my insecurities.

I am behind people my own age.

Competitive - I didn't really have anyone to compete with but now when anyone says they're going on a diet; I always know I will beat them!

Low self esteem - throughout the course of my life and anorexia.
I don't respect who I am which is why I put up with poor treatment from boys and friends. When boys treat me badly I believe it is how I am meant to be treated.

Is there anyone out there?

I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!

My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.

You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.

Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.

Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.

Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.

Body Gossip monologue

Sorry I have been quiet lately...dealing with a few things, including the fact that a lot of people at work have found out about my eating disorder after someone at work emailed out an article about me. :( It had been so nice to be in a place where no one knew about it. I guess anorexia is always going to appear in my life one way or another.

Anyway I wanted to share the monologue I wrote for Body Gossip and My Personal Best. There was an event held on saturday which was a success. Mine wasn't performed but I thought I would share it with you all:

Rachel’s monologue
You thought you could beat me,
You couldn’t have been more wrong,
Because you picked the wrong girl to mess with.
You won for a while,
After convincing me that everyone hated me,
And only you were my best friend.
You forced me to diet, vomit and exercise.
You turned me into a selfish, lying monster,
But then I realised you were wrong.
I was loved and I was worthwhile,
I deserved to be alive.
My battle with you was hard,
Yet in the end it was me who won.
So goodbye anorexia, I do not need or want you.
I am happy to just be me, Rachel.

I Hate Anorexia

It's true; I really do.

I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.

I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.

I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.

I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.

I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.

I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.

I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.

And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)

There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)

A Day Of Saying Goodbye...

You may have seen on Twitter that I am wearing black today. This is to say goodbye to everything I once was.

I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.

I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!

I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)

I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.

Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.

I feel a lot happier :)

Goodbye Anorexia

As you may know I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. In fact I have struggled a lot more in Australia than I have let on to anybody. So when I saw a triggering photo, it set off my underlying problems and I began to do all my bad habits again.

Until I got ill. my inflamed sternum flared up after all the exercise I had done; I was dizzy due to restricting and vomiting; I had insane stomach cramps; I couldnt be bothered to do anything; I had a cold because my immune system is rubbish anyway from anorexia.

Having to stop and rest made me think. Was it really all worth it? Of course not.

Anorexia is lonely and tiring.
Anorexia makes me sick, snappy and moody.
Anorexia strips away the person I am.
Anorexia makes me into a girl not a woman.
Anorexic is not who I am anymore.

I have come too far in my recovery to let anorexia take over my life again. I have too many ambitions and dreams that I want to achieve. I sure as hell dont want to go backwards; back to a life of nothing.

So goodbye anorexia. You cant fool me this time!

What I Have Learnt In Australia So Far :)

I am not ashamed of my anorexia. Anybody who is bothered by it, is a big waste of my time.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.

It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.

I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.

I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)

I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.

Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.

I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)

For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.

When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.

Letter to My Body

So Northumberland College had a fashion show - which looked great - and they asked us at Beat to write a letter to our bodies. They read our stories/poems out and put some on the clothes. Very exciting!

Here is my letter:

Dear Rachel’s body,

I may not completely like you yet but I recognize the wonderful things you do. You allow me to dance out with my friends; to skip; to go walking; to play with my nephews, crawling around the soft play areas!

I took you for granted before. Then I set out to destroy you when anorexia took over us both. Yet you proved to be strong and I am thankful for that. If I’d died, I would never have met my gorgeous nephews, I wouldn’t have completed a degree and a MA, I would not be living in Australia and I would never have been a Beat ambassador, hopefully helping others gain strength against their eating disorder.

I appreciate my curves now. After all, boys certainly like them! Having a healthy body makes me smile, glow and feel like a human being. I look like a woman now, not a little girl and I’m proud of that. I love having boobs and my long legs!

I guess what I’m saying is sorry for the pain I put you through but thank you for letting me learn to love myself, curves and all!

Rachel

It was all a hoax....

Yesterday the guy off twitter announced that his promotion of managed anorexia was all a hoax - a 'scientific experimentation' as he called it to see if he could become famous overnight; a bet with his friend. I think it being a hoax is even worse. That he knew what he was doing was wrong and he still went ahead with his twisted plans.

What has angered me more is the media's and twitter's reaction to him. If he had chosen a topic like racism or suicide, there would have been public outrage and he would have surely been taken off Twitter immediately. Instead he chose anorexia - something that the vast majority has never comprehended at the best of times. Therefore he was allowed to stay on twitter as apparently he wasn't doing that much harm. Thankfully sufferers like me and positive body image advocates took a stand against him: creating a petition as well as tweeting #itswhatsinsidethatcounts. Celebs showed their disgust at him too, which I greatly appreciated - Rhianna, Rochelle Saturdays, Gordon Ramsay... Simon Cowell even urged people to tweet #notosizezero

The guy believes that by donating money to Beat he can redeem his terrible actions but how can he? He has already affected people, myself included. And that is something no apology or donation can ever fix. I also feel like he has ruined all the amazing work Beat has done over the past 21 years; work the ambassadors have done and the last 5 years of work I have done as an ambassador myself on campaigning for the awareness of eating disorders.

Eating disorders are like a taboo subject - no body want to talk about them. Why i have no idea. You could say it is because they are a mental health illness but a lot of people think eating disorders are extreme diets or all about appearances. Whatever the reason it needs to stop. I am not ashamed of my anorexia - most of my friends know I have been anorexic and are very supportive of me. So if I don't care that I used to be anorexic, why should anyone else be bothered?

I am already writing a book as is an amazing friend of mine of our ordeals and battle between anorexia and us - I hope that more people will understand because of our stories. I also hope he may have an ounce of decency left and read them so he can understand how awful an eating disorder is to live with.

I know people have written that surely everyone could see he was a hoax but the reality is eating disorder sufferers are vulnerable people and when he was attacking girls' rolemodels like Holly Willoughby for being "fat", girls and boys could start worrying about their appearance. The same with his backlash against Rochelle Wiseman saying if she wasn't thin she wouldn't be in The Saturdays. What kind of message is that sending? You dont have to be a size zero to be successful; in fact the irony is when you are a unnatural size zero you cannot do anything at all.

I thought anorexia would make me happy and perfect. It didn't. Perfection doesnt exist for a start. I was never good enough for anorexia; I wasn't thin enough; I didnt die.

When I was anorexic I had no interest in anything; all I wanted was to disappear and not have to suffer anymore. Yet when I came close to death I realised I didnt want to die. There was so much I wanted to achieve with my life. But first I had to battle this illness that wanted me dead. When I was stopped in my tracks by the unit, I had no life. I had no energy; my body was shutting down. I couldn't go out with my friends; I couldnt go to college or work; I couldn't drive, walk or anything. I wasn't interested in boys like my friends were; I hadn't laughed in months. I lost friends because they were living their lives whilst I was under my mam's 24 hour care. All I was, was an empty shell; a walking skeleton.

Anorexia took a lot from me but the best day was when i realised she didnt control me anymore; that I had the right to be happy and to learn how to love the person I am.

I would never wish anorexia on anyone not even my worst enemy and I sincerely hope he never has to experience anyone close to him, to be taken over by an eating disorder, as he will truly regret making a joke out of a very serious mental health illness.

The Big Debate

Unless you have been hiding from social media this week, you will all know what my post is about: the current outrage at a certain someone who thinks promoting size zero and anorexia is a good thing.

I didn't want to write about it but I think this person has been allowed to stay on Twitter for too long. I thought that by asking people in the British media to help would give us a head start, as usually they excel at social campaigns such as this one.

Imagine then my dismay when barely anyone paid any attention except for lovely people at ELLE and Red magazine. Instead I was told that I was helping this idiot become news just because I was standing up against them! The fact remains that even after the amazing work of Beat; the awesome work of all Beat's Young Ambassadors and other lovely advocates of positive body image, the media still has no clue at how serious an eating disorder is and how potentially dangerous pro-anorexia can be.

Eating disorders kill. Fact.
Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Fact.
Eating disorders wreck people's lives. Fact.

Once upon a time I thought anorexia was the only thing I was good at. I believed I was in control and soon I would be able to disappear. To be invisible so nobody could bully me anymore and call me ugly. However being anorexic gave me attention I did not want. People getting upset about my sunken face, my lifeless eyes, my desire to do nothing but exercise and study, my jutting bones and my shrunken body.

Also I was not in control; my eating disorder was. Anorexia told me to trust nobody; they all wanted me to be fat. Anorexia shouted that I was fat, ugly, worthless, unloveable and stupid. Anorexia lost me the trust of my family; it made my parents worry if they were going to find me dead in the morning.

Anorexia is not pretty. Anorexia is not glamorous. Anorexia is evil. It will strip you of the person you are until there is no one left. It won't be happy until you are dead.

This whole management of anorexia is not possible. An eating disorder manages you.

The best thing about anorexia? It is beatable. Myself and many others are proof of this. Recovery can be a very long and hard battle but it is completely worth it. I can laugh again, dance and spend time with my friends. My family are proud of me; I am starting to be proud of me. Recovery is many things; read my blog and you will see how wonderful it is :)

Now I hear people say, "Yeah this guy isnt making anyone be anorexic!" and you would be right. Yet I know how damaging pro-anorexia can be. It is after all why hundreds of pro-ana web sites were shut down in the first place. People already in a vulnerable state, who feel like nobody understands them, often turn to pro-ana. Pro-ana glamourises anorexia; pro-ana tells you that you are not a good enough anorexic; pro-ana urges you to follow their tips, to stare at the thinspiration photos, to starve yourself to death.

This man may not directly make anyone become anorexic but his tweets are dangerous to those who are already in the midst of an eating disorder. I know it is. I have friends who have been greatly affected by his words. Even I have been affected by them; to the point I have had to remind myself why recovery is worth it. And it so is.

So please take a moment to think about this. Please do sign the petition at http://twitition.com/wq6ke and let's restore my faith in humanity.

Attracting The Right Guy

Now why is my post called this? I seem to have a habit of being sub-conciously attracted to guys who play on my insecurities, by using them to their own advantage. I got myself involved in a two year on and off relationship because I loved my ex that much I believed anything he said to me, when really he was probably just trying to get me into bed. Before now I believed this was how I was meant to be treated - but I deserve more. Being in Australia has forced me to look at my past behaviours and beliefs.

I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.

I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.

On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.

The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.

Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:

"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."

Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.

So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:

"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!

Happy New Year!

I hope that 2011 is even better than 2010. I have finally gotten over my ex and although I struggle with other things, I know my eating disorder is not worth it. Anorexia does not give me the life I want. It makes me look like a little girl and quite frankly I want curves :)

My New Year was amazing in Sydney; we went to a pub and then a nearby park where you could drink and watch the fireworks from the Sydney Harbour bridge. I also had a kiss at midnight with a lovely guy who is from my home town too. So I guess nice guys do exist and that I do deserve better from boys. The guy in question is a friend and he gave me some advice: how I should be with someone who is proud of all I have acheived and overcome.

I guess what this post is about, is that I am realising what I want out of life and the kind of relationship I think I deserve.

I wish you all an amazing 2011 :)

My 2010

After posting my article on regaining my creativity, I realised I should finish detailing my year of travelling and charity work from April onwards. :)

I never did get round to making any of my own clothes but hopefully by the time I get home from Australia, my Mam will have installed a sewing machine in our redecorated spare room!

I continued my planned travels of Rome – I loved just wandering around the back streets and having ice cream at the Trevi Fountain -, Skiathos with my Mam and of course Wimbledon, Centre Court on the second day of play with lots of Pimms, darling!

These holidays would have been enough for anyone but as the avid traveller that I am, I managed to fit in rather a lot more! There were two more trips to London for Beat ambassador meetings. I hadn’t been to one in about two years, meaning I was increasingly nervous. I was worried about being the biggest one there, even though I am almost recovered. Although I do have feelings of inadequacy at the meetings now, I am glad I went as I now have a group of amazing friends who understand me like nobody else can.

I went to Leeds with fellow ambassador Laura for a little trip; I visited fellow ambassador Jolene in Liverpool, saw where the Beatles became famous and had a big night out – we also saw another fellow ambassador Kel; I went twice to Southampton to visit my gorgeous nephews, where we went to a soft play area and I was the one who got injured!

And now I am in Australia, living in Sydney, my biggest travels yet. I went to New Zealand for Christmas where I had my first warm Xmas with a BBQ and a walk on the beach. So surreal!

My charity work has consisted of a lot of media interviews, research and helping to make the new web site, My Personal Best. In June, I got the amazing opportunity to go to the Health and Well Being for young people conference in Rome. It was a three day conference, where Hannah and I attended the eating disorders workshop. There is more on this on older posts :)

In September, I attended the memorial service for those who have lost their lives to an eating disorder. It was a beautiful service and I actually felt positive afterwards. I shouldn’t let silly people get to me when I have survived an eating disorder. I owe it to those who died to make the most of my own life; I survived for a reason: to help others.

This day I had already appeared in my local newspaper (I have a great rapport with them now and have appeared in three more times!) and spoken on Radio Newcastle. At the service, Beat decided to use me for all the interviews since I ‘am so good at it!’ I did interviews for Smooth Radio, Radio 5 and ITV news.

In October, Metro Radio came to my house to interview me about the memorial service. They came again to ask for my views on the adult unit at the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle, where I went to, being moved to Darlington. My views against it were aired alongside a professional who agreed with the move. Happily my old adult unit has been saved; they have even increased their beds from five to ten! I like to hope what I said helped in some way.

Also in October, I spoke at the Annual Convention for Secretaries in Durham after my Mam’s boss requested that I be one of their speakers. It was slightly nerve racking but hey I have done this many times before! My Mam never normally sits in on my presentations but I persuaded her to this time. However, she and her colleagues all cried! I also received a standing ovation and a huge boquet of flowers! Everyone came to offer me praise: these are the times I actually feel proud of myself. And this is why I will always continue to speak truthfully and honestly about my battle with anorexia.

20 Things I Have Achieved This Year...

So here's another thing I read in a magazine - Frankie - writing down twenty of the things you've achieved in 2010. Here is mine:

1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.

Alternative Realities

I read a great trilogy the other week, the first book being A Crack In The Line, about different realities - how every time you make a decision, in an alternative reality another version of you is taking the other option of the decision. It made me think about different realities of myself - if anorexia had or had not darkened my door.

1. Rachel that didnt have anorexia; did a Triple Qualification at University spending a year in France and a year in Germany and now maybe works for the UN.

2. Rachel who was anorexic; then took a year off when she was told she would fail her A-Levels. She did a degree in journalism. Lives in London, a journalist.

3. Rachel who was anorexic; went to university etc but this Rachel actually did go to Germany instead of going to hospital for a serious case of self harm.

4. Rachel who went to Australia last year with her friend and wouldn't have had her heart broken many more times by her ex.

5. And sadly the Rachel who did die from anorexia.

I think I am quite glad to be in my reality with my BA Hons in French and German and my MA in magazine journalism :) Plus I am alive; I beat anorexia!

Worry Mind

One of my biggest flaws is that I think too much. I worry about the littlest things to the point I can't sleep and I get a bad head!

So what is on my mind at the moment?

That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.

I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.

And yet I still worry.

I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.

I hope I am worrying for nothing!

The Struggle of Christmas

I wrote this article for my portfolio of university last year. Let me know what you think:

“Even being a recovered anorexic, Christmas is the time of year that I dread most. There is so much focus on food. Every year, I’ve tried to make an effort and considering five years ago, my Christmas dinner consisted of cheese, a few potatoes and some vegetables, I think I’ve done well. Yet still every Christmas day, my first thought is not of excitement of presents and spending the day with family, mine is terror. I’m scared of having to struggle through a huge amount of food and making room for pudding too.

“I first became aware of the amount of food I was eating six years ago. It was my first year at college and I felt completely out of my depth. I wasn’t one of the cleverest anymore as I had been at school. I’d never had a boyfriend and throughout my last two years at school one boy constantly called me ‘ugly’ and a ‘dog’ until I believed him completely. My friends were picking on me and I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

“At first all I wanted was to lose a few pounds as I felt it would make my life better. But then anorexia became the one thing I was good at and the one thing I could control in my life. Losing weight wasn’t about being thin. It was my way to disappear. If I was invisible, nobody could pick on me.

“Being 5”11 and naturally thin, my family didn’t realise until my weight started to drop drastically. Yet strangely, I found it easier to skip food once my Mam knew, as she wouldn’t make me huge meals that I had to get rid of. In fact, I started to manage to go four days without food. Going to bed after eating nothing felt like such an achievement.

“Unfortunately being 17 at the time, it was hard to find help. The children’s specialised unit at Newcastle General Hospital only took me on as a patient because I had a dangerously low body mass index.

“Hearing that I could die in a matter of weeks was a shock to me. I hadn’t realised how serious it had become. I was told my brain had shrunk, my heart had started to eat itself and I was probably suffering from osteoporosis.

“Due to a lack of beds, I was made an outpatient. Although we need to improve services for sufferers, I am glad that I never had to endure being on a ward. The experience of being tube fed and being in an unnatural environment.

“I was kept at home under my Mam’s 24-hour supervision, except when she had to do an errand. I would always have what she called an “episode”, where anorexia would scream and cuss at me as no one was around to help me control her. The first time it happened my Mam was shocked as she hadn’t known about the evil, manipulative voice in my head which turned her daughter into a mischievous, lying, selfish monster.

“My first years of recovery were unsuccessful. I refused to accept I was anorexic and would either argue with the doctors or sit in silence when they tried to help me. Plus they stopped my whole life. I couldn’t go out, drive, go to college, go on holiday, nothing. I only put on a slight amount of weight; to the point the unit would threaten they would section me.

“When I was transferred to the adult unit at 18, I found I got on better because my therapist actually helped me with my thoughts, instead of just concentrating on my weight. When I started university though, I had a relapse because I wasn’t used to eating lunch on my own. I was told if I didn’t start making an effort with my weight, I would be discharged and sent to a normal counsellor and I would never recover from anorexia. It’s hard to explain but something clicked. I didn’t want to be an anorexic forever, living this desperately lonely life.

“It also helped that I was at university. Even though college and doctors stated point blank I wouldn’t get there. I’d also gotten a bar job, where I met people my own age, got invited out and became more confident. Putting myself out into the world and taking a chance has reminded me what I want to achieve. Last year I travelled to New Zealand on my own and had the BEST time ever! Recovery should be about experiencing life, not being punished. It’s about finding out who you are, making new friends, laughter, passing your driving test. Falling in love, going to dance class to use your body for a purpose and realising the world isn’t a scary place and perfection does not exist.

“I’m still on my long journey of recovery and I doubt I will ever be able to hold my hand up and say “ I like the person I am” but I do feel slightly happier.
“So this year I’m going to try my hardest at Christmas and make my family smile. Plus after six years of avoiding it, I’ve started to eat chocolate again so maybe I’ll enjoy my advent calendar too!”

Surviving anorexia

An article about me and my struggle with anorexia for my project:

Rachel Cowey was seventeen years old when she nearly died from anorexia. As she enters the final stages of recovery, she shares her story with Teen Vogue.

“I was sixteen when I first started using food as a way to control bad things in my life. If I was sad or thought I had upset somebody else or I hadn’t done exceptionally well at school, I wouldn’t eat. Pretty soon, I had a full blown eating disorder to the point that the thought of food made me sick.
It wasn’t about being thin to me; I wanted to disappear. I thought if I was invisible no body could pick on me anymore and nobody would see how ugly I was.
My family and friends started to worry about me as I lost more and more weight. My dad didn’t understand, he thought I was doing it for attention. My mam was frustrated because she couldn’t find any medical help who would take the situation seriously.
Ironically I only got professional help because of how emaciated I had become. To me though, I was fat; not skinny and I certainly didn’t have anorexia. It took me awhile to admit I had a problem, probably at the same time I looked at photos of myself and realised how ill I was.
The unit stopped my life. There were no beds available so I was made an outpatient under my mam’s 24/7 supervision and care. I couldn’t drive, go to work or college. I couldn’t go out with my friends or go on holiday. It felt like I was being punished for a crime I hadn’t committed. But because I could potentially die at any minute, I couldn’t do anything strenuous.
Recovery was a very long process, with me moving on to adult services along the way. What most people don’t realise is eating disorders are mental illnesses. It wasn’t just weight I had to gain, but to win a battle against the voice in my head.
It took me 18 months to finally decide I wanted to recover and then a further nine months to achieve my target weight. I was discharged last year, with a request from my therapist: she never wants to see me back there!
I am in the last stages of recovery now. Although I lead a typical twenty-something lifestyle and eat normally, occasionally I get very upset and resort to controlling my food intake to make myself feel better.
I do believe recovery is possible. I am now in my fifth year of being a young ambassador for Beat (national charity for eating disorders). We promote the message that eating disorders can be beaten and try to raise awareness. I have given presentations at international conferences and the House of Commons. I regularly give media interviews and am a mentor.
I just want to make something positive out of everything that has happened to me.”

Home town...

... Thinking about my home town has made me stop and question my struggle with self-esteem. Maybe the world I have surrounded myself there has further fuelled my self-hatred. And even though I am in Australia I am still tied to it in a way. I know that when I go back home, I need to stay away from that world. I need to work outside of it, socialise outside of it. Of course I will still have my same friends but I don't want the night life that goes with it.

In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.

There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.

And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.

I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)

30 Things I Like About Myself

I recently read a post about setting yourself the challenge of writing down thirty things you like about yourself. Here is my go:

1. I am a total bookworm and am happy to escape in other worlds.

2. I am a geek - I love learning new things.

3. The simple things matter to me when it comes to boys - holding hands, kisses, snuggling.

4. I have a random taste in music.

5. I am an avid traveller.

6. I speak French - I read books and magazines in French.

7. I give my cars names.

8. I try my best to stay in touch with friends by letter, text, email or facebook.

9. I make friends easily.

10. I am not afraid to be myself - I collect international magazines. I make collages and save articles I like. I sketch. I make memory books/scrapbooks.

11. My Mam is my best friend.

12. I like to dance in my room.

13. I am a total daydreamer.

14. I am a Beat ambassador. I am helping other people.

15. I never, ever give up - I conquered anorexia. I got my degree. I learned to ride a bike aged 15. I passed my A-Levels whilst ill.

16. I am tall and have long legs.

17. I am always smiling.

18. I have friends all over England.

19. I am an Auntie. I would love to be a mother myself.

20. I take pride in my appearance.

21. I am very family orientated.

22. I appreciate little things - like the first flowers in spring, rustling through leaves in autumn, seeing a butterfly etc.

23. I am a complex person. There is a lot people don't know about me.

24. I am always writing -blogs, articles, a novel, lists!

25. I am not afraid to try new things.

26. I am a romantic.

27. I am comfortable in my own company.

28. I am addicted to buying magazines.

29. I am proud of my 'flaws' - anorexia and self harm; as they represent my courage to overcome difficult times.

30. I am unique and I am trying to not care what other people think of me anymore.