Is there anyone out there?

I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!

My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.

You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.

Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.

Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.

Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.

Re-emerging

Sorry I have been quiet lately... I've been feeling rather lost and unsure of what I want to do with my life. I had a great week in London doing work experience at You magazine but then it ended and I had to come home. Home to where everyone knows what I've been through; Home to my claustrophobic bedroom; Home to my ex boyfriend and his games; Home to a job that I hate.

I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.

I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.

It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.

The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.

I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.

Life is too short

Yesterday I attended my friends funeral. It was one of the most upsetting days I've gone through. He was only 21 and they still don't know why he died. It just shows how short life is and we should make the most of it. When he died I swore I would start working on liking myself for who I am and enjoying life; working on my future. But I let myself get side tracked again; get pulled in by my ex boyfriend. Yesterday reminded me of what I want to do. I want to achieve something with my life, I don't want to be brought down by other people and I don't want to be made to feel inadequate by a boy.

Life is too short to worry about the tool of an ex boyfriend I can't seem to get over.
Life is too short to hate myself; to hide away from people and to burn myself.
Life is too short to compare myself to other people.

RIP Jamal. I'll always remember you

Attracting The Right Guy

Now why is my post called this? I seem to have a habit of being sub-conciously attracted to guys who play on my insecurities, by using them to their own advantage. I got myself involved in a two year on and off relationship because I loved my ex that much I believed anything he said to me, when really he was probably just trying to get me into bed. Before now I believed this was how I was meant to be treated - but I deserve more. Being in Australia has forced me to look at my past behaviours and beliefs.

I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.

I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.

On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.

The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.

Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:

"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."

Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.

So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:

"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!

My Aims For 2011

1. Visit North Australia, Bali and the South Island of New Zealand.

2. Snorkel in the Great Barrir Reef.

3. Cook more.

4. Start up more toning exercises - long walks, swimming, boxing.

5. Stop putting myself down and not be as sensitive to things.

6. Wear grown up clothes when back in the UK (too hot here to be smart 24/7 in Sydney!)

7. Continue writing for All Walks, MPB, LGN events and possibly The Line.

8. Do lots of work experience.

9. Spend time with my family.

10. Remove myself from my home town gossip.

11. Do not let a boy treat me bad again, especially my ex - I want to have no contact with him when I go home.

12. Obtain my Youth Achievement Awards.

13. Hopefully get into uni again to do my PGCE and manage being away from home.

14. Do the spilts.

15. Be comfortable with the person I am.

Okay, this time I am using my blog to ask for advice :)

I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.

I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.

I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.

Worry Mind

One of my biggest flaws is that I think too much. I worry about the littlest things to the point I can't sleep and I get a bad head!

So what is on my mind at the moment?

That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.

I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.

And yet I still worry.

I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.

I hope I am worrying for nothing!