At A Loss

I keep losing friends and I don't know why. The anorexic in me shouts it's because I'm a terrible person; I'm boring; I talk too much and I'm unlikeable.

I'd say I believe her about 20%. Deep down I know I'm generally a good person; I'm interesting - I've travelled, I have a high level of education; I've done unusual things; I must be likeable or I wouldn't have a close friend I've had for 13 years or a close friend who talks to me daily or make friends easily or have two younger friends who call me their big sister. :)

So what is it then?

I lost most of my friends from school and college to anorexia. I was stuck at home whilst they were out being 17 and 18 year olds.

I've lost other friends to fall outs and distance.

But right now? I have no idea. Of course I have stopped constant contact with some due to me outgrowing them or one girl slagging me off.

However there's one close friend - I saw her every week and we would speak on the phone every day about anything and everything. Then suddenly I don't hear from her any more. I last saw her in July. My Mam said to ask her what's up? But I always do this - I'm sick of being the one who runs around.

Then my other friend is choosing to ignore me. I'm always the one to text first; to chase up plans. I've given up now as I feel like she just doesn't want to see me. Yet she knows what its like as her own friends did this to her and I was the only one there. Even her mam and nanna said I was her nicest friend. Maybe its down to what she said to me recently: people have lost respect for me for the way I behaved with my ex.

I don't know any more. I'm tired of making all the effort.

Re-emerging

Sorry I have been quiet lately... I've been feeling rather lost and unsure of what I want to do with my life. I had a great week in London doing work experience at You magazine but then it ended and I had to come home. Home to where everyone knows what I've been through; Home to my claustrophobic bedroom; Home to my ex boyfriend and his games; Home to a job that I hate.

I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.

I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.

It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.

The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.

I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.

I Hate Anorexia

It's true; I really do.

I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.

I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.

I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.

I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.

I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.

I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.

I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.

And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)

There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)

Being Home

I always knew returning home would be hard but I didnt realise it would bring loads of emotions back.

I did so well in Australia with becoming more confident and learning to like who I am. Yet my home town is threatening to spoil all my good work:

*I feel like a bad person because Ive made some terrible mistakes in the past

*I have urges to self harm but Im desperately trying to distract myself

*I saw my ex for the first time last week and it surprised me how much it hurt

*I'm lonely and wish I could find a guy who liked me

I am trying to keep up the positive insights I learned in Australia. I have ignoring my friends petty arguments. I have deleted my ex off Facebook again as he keeps trying to talk to me and I dont know what his game is. I have a full time job and I am determined to make my life amazing :). I am doing what I want to do and not answer to others.

I know I need distractions as when I came back from living in France I self harmed to the extreme that I had to go to hospital.

I have spent far too many years needing a guys attention; kissing and later sleeping with guys to feel wanted. I think its time to take time out for myself

What I Have Learnt In Australia So Far :)

I am not ashamed of my anorexia. Anybody who is bothered by it, is a big waste of my time.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.

It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.

I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.

I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)

I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.

Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.

I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)

For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.

When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.

Home town...

... Thinking about my home town has made me stop and question my struggle with self-esteem. Maybe the world I have surrounded myself there has further fuelled my self-hatred. And even though I am in Australia I am still tied to it in a way. I know that when I go back home, I need to stay away from that world. I need to work outside of it, socialise outside of it. Of course I will still have my same friends but I don't want the night life that goes with it.

In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.

There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.

And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.

I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)