Bye to BYA

Last week I resigned as a Beat Young Ambassador and I feel much better for having done so.

Although I am still dedicated to raising awareness for eating disorders and helping others, anorexia is not who I am anymore. I don't want to be defined by people as a recovered anorexic, I want to be seen as me, Rachel. :)

I am still volunteering for Beat and doing media requests. I am still My Personal Best full time volunteer and co-manager of twitter because this isnt focused on eating disorders. If you havent seen this yet go to @MyPersonal_Best I'm tweeting inspirational stuff all the time!

Being a Beat ambassador used to make me feel positive; it helped me with recovery as I was making something good out of something bad. Also most of the ambassadors were recovered and they inspired me; they gave me hope.

Now being a Beat ambassador makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the ambassadors today are not recovered, making me the minority. I feel like I cant have a bad time as I need to be an inspiration to them. And although I am perfectly happy with my body - I love my curves and everything! - when I was at meetings I felt like the 'biggest'. I'm not sure why; I guess it just makes me go in that competitive eating disorder thinking.

Also after never fitting in at school, college, university or jobs, I started to feel like I didnt fit in with the ambassadors either and I knew it was time to distance myself from it.

So there we go :)
Sorry I have been quiet lately; had a lot to deal with.

But I am no longer a recovered anorexic now I have two other things to stop being associated with:

I dont want to be the girl who wishes her ex wants her, who feels lonely, sad and ugly because he doesnt want her or the girl who compares herself to other girls. I have started my actions for this including reading the list of bad things to my friend. Her reaction to it made me realise I cant go on like this.

And secondly? I dont want to be associated with my home town and I am doing more activities outside it, including looking for jobs elsewhere! :)

Wish me luck :)

Being Home

I always knew returning home would be hard but I didnt realise it would bring loads of emotions back.

I did so well in Australia with becoming more confident and learning to like who I am. Yet my home town is threatening to spoil all my good work:

*I feel like a bad person because Ive made some terrible mistakes in the past

*I have urges to self harm but Im desperately trying to distract myself

*I saw my ex for the first time last week and it surprised me how much it hurt

*I'm lonely and wish I could find a guy who liked me

I am trying to keep up the positive insights I learned in Australia. I have ignoring my friends petty arguments. I have deleted my ex off Facebook again as he keeps trying to talk to me and I dont know what his game is. I have a full time job and I am determined to make my life amazing :). I am doing what I want to do and not answer to others.

I know I need distractions as when I came back from living in France I self harmed to the extreme that I had to go to hospital.

I have spent far too many years needing a guys attention; kissing and later sleeping with guys to feel wanted. I think its time to take time out for myself

Home town...

... Thinking about my home town has made me stop and question my struggle with self-esteem. Maybe the world I have surrounded myself there has further fuelled my self-hatred. And even though I am in Australia I am still tied to it in a way. I know that when I go back home, I need to stay away from that world. I need to work outside of it, socialise outside of it. Of course I will still have my same friends but I don't want the night life that goes with it.

In my home town, its an unspoken rule that you HAVE to have a boy texting you to be deemed attractive. You HAVE to regularly pull a guy on a night out otherwise there is something wrong with you. People there don't bat an eyelid at those who have slept with 50 guys. Dont get me wrong this isnt everyone there but it is the general response.

There are the usual girls who look perfect; you also can't escape the bitchy girls who dont like you and most girls give you dirty looks constantly. Something I have just realised they do because you're different to them.

And that's the thing. It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. And this is why I have had people gossiping about me, people bullying me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. Yes I am an anorexic and a self harmer but I dont care that they know anymore. I have done more than them with my life - I have a degree and a masters. I get to do amazing things as a Beat ambassador. I travel.

I guess I am just realising that I don't need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just as good as me :)