Is there anyone out there?

I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!

My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.

You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.

Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.

Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.

Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.

I Hate Anorexia

It's true; I really do.

I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.

I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.

I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.

I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.

I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.

I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.

I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.

And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)

There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)

Being Home

I always knew returning home would be hard but I didnt realise it would bring loads of emotions back.

I did so well in Australia with becoming more confident and learning to like who I am. Yet my home town is threatening to spoil all my good work:

*I feel like a bad person because Ive made some terrible mistakes in the past

*I have urges to self harm but Im desperately trying to distract myself

*I saw my ex for the first time last week and it surprised me how much it hurt

*I'm lonely and wish I could find a guy who liked me

I am trying to keep up the positive insights I learned in Australia. I have ignoring my friends petty arguments. I have deleted my ex off Facebook again as he keeps trying to talk to me and I dont know what his game is. I have a full time job and I am determined to make my life amazing :). I am doing what I want to do and not answer to others.

I know I need distractions as when I came back from living in France I self harmed to the extreme that I had to go to hospital.

I have spent far too many years needing a guys attention; kissing and later sleeping with guys to feel wanted. I think its time to take time out for myself

I Have Grown As A Person

Being in Australia has changed me for the better. To think that i very nearly didn't come because of a boy. My ex changed his mind so much about whether he wanted to be with me and i got caught up in it all. I also was worried that I was running away from my feelings when in actual fact coming away as done me the world of good; not just realising I am better off without my ex neither. Here are some things i have been able to do:

stayed in a room with people I dont know,
lived with people i didnt know very well,
stayed in backpackers including a mixed dorm,
one night i stayed in the room with 5 strange boys,
travelled in a foreign country on my own,
went white water rafting,
gone on organised trips by myself,
walked into a bar on my own to meet friends,
set up a meeting with a charity on my own,
speant a lot of time by myself,
although it fell through i was going to stay with a girl i'd only known for a week,
realised i didnt want a boyfriend and i prefer being single,
i am not ashamed of my anorexia and sometimes its easier to tell people about it,
ate calamari and brie for the first time,
had fresh prawns and fish cooked/killed in the restaurant,
ate on my own in a restaurant,
learnt not to be wound up so easily.

What does worry me is that I have changed but my friends haven't and whether or not i will put the new things i have learned into practise at home.

The PLAN

Okay, I sort of had a plan in my head regarding how I want to be when I go home and regarding my ex. But the other day for some reason I emailed my ex, just a friendly messgae but still this was NOT part of the PLAN!

I guess what I need to realise is I am human and we all make mistakes; it is okay to have a blip.

So what is my plan?

I want to be confident in myself and respect myself as a person - no more letting one boy control the person I am.

I will not let what other people say to me get me down. Most of them have not experienced the things I have and probably never will so what right do they have putting me down?

I will not be involved in the gossip of my home town.

I know it is not the end of the world of I dont have a boy who likes me. I am my own person and I am achieving what I want.

I do not love my ex anymore therefore I will not be his booty call or embark on a relationship again with him.

I do not even want to be my exes friend even - I thought he was mine but I have realised it was all one sided. He never cared about when I was feeling down.

So why did I email then? I guess last weeks situation with twitter affected me more than I thought, combined with a terrible attempt at starting exercise again and the comments the other boy made about me.

Oh as a side note, this boy apologised to me for what he said - he recognised it was harsh - and I really appreciate it. He knew I knew because of reading my blog! Oh dear. One thing I realised though is I never say what I mean to in real life. I think of things much later on and its something else I need to learn: how to speak my mind. He had said he said those things as he had felt awkward that everyone was talking about me and him and how I had wrote about us on my blog. I wish I had spoken out then; because really I am not a girl who gets carried away. I was not expecting anything more than what happened between us but I get the feeling that he reckons I wanted a relationship. Erm no. I know it was just a one off thing and I am fine with that :)

So yes here's to the PLAN lets hope I stick to it!

Attracting The Right Guy

Now why is my post called this? I seem to have a habit of being sub-conciously attracted to guys who play on my insecurities, by using them to their own advantage. I got myself involved in a two year on and off relationship because I loved my ex that much I believed anything he said to me, when really he was probably just trying to get me into bed. Before now I believed this was how I was meant to be treated - but I deserve more. Being in Australia has forced me to look at my past behaviours and beliefs.

I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.

I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.

On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.

The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.

Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:

"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."

Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.

So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:

"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!

Okay, this time I am using my blog to ask for advice :)

I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.

I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.

I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.

Australian Rachel

I have not even been in Australia for two weeks and already I am changing.

- I am eating different and new foods, including squid!
- My meal times are at random times
- I am okay at eating in front of strangers
- I am starting to not care what boys think of me - back home everyone thinks it is important to have a boy texting you
- I am beginning to re-like myself again
- I have spent a day with no make-up on

Maybe this is going to be great for me =]

Greetings from Australia

Hello :)

So here I am blogging from Australia - after everything I have been through I never thought I would make it here or be living away from my mam for several months. Of course I have only been here three days so I am feeling unsettled and wondering if I should be here.

There are more opportunities for me here though. I can get a job, there is sunshine and nobody knows who I am.I can be the real Rachel I want to be. No one needs to know about my anorexia, my bad luck with boys or everything about me. So far it is good and I think time away from boys will help me. I don't need to look good for them. I can look good for me. I can finally learn how to love myself.

I shall keep you updated :)