After posting my article on regaining my creativity, I realised I should finish detailing my year of travelling and charity work from April onwards. :)
I never did get round to making any of my own clothes but hopefully by the time I get home from Australia, my Mam will have installed a sewing machine in our redecorated spare room!
I continued my planned travels of Rome – I loved just wandering around the back streets and having ice cream at the Trevi Fountain -, Skiathos with my Mam and of course Wimbledon, Centre Court on the second day of play with lots of Pimms, darling!
These holidays would have been enough for anyone but as the avid traveller that I am, I managed to fit in rather a lot more! There were two more trips to London for Beat ambassador meetings. I hadn’t been to one in about two years, meaning I was increasingly nervous. I was worried about being the biggest one there, even though I am almost recovered. Although I do have feelings of inadequacy at the meetings now, I am glad I went as I now have a group of amazing friends who understand me like nobody else can.
I went to Leeds with fellow ambassador Laura for a little trip; I visited fellow ambassador Jolene in Liverpool, saw where the Beatles became famous and had a big night out – we also saw another fellow ambassador Kel; I went twice to Southampton to visit my gorgeous nephews, where we went to a soft play area and I was the one who got injured!
And now I am in Australia, living in Sydney, my biggest travels yet. I went to New Zealand for Christmas where I had my first warm Xmas with a BBQ and a walk on the beach. So surreal!
My charity work has consisted of a lot of media interviews, research and helping to make the new web site, My Personal Best. In June, I got the amazing opportunity to go to the Health and Well Being for young people conference in Rome. It was a three day conference, where Hannah and I attended the eating disorders workshop. There is more on this on older posts :)
In September, I attended the memorial service for those who have lost their lives to an eating disorder. It was a beautiful service and I actually felt positive afterwards. I shouldn’t let silly people get to me when I have survived an eating disorder. I owe it to those who died to make the most of my own life; I survived for a reason: to help others.
This day I had already appeared in my local newspaper (I have a great rapport with them now and have appeared in three more times!) and spoken on Radio Newcastle. At the service, Beat decided to use me for all the interviews since I ‘am so good at it!’ I did interviews for Smooth Radio, Radio 5 and ITV news.
In October, Metro Radio came to my house to interview me about the memorial service. They came again to ask for my views on the adult unit at the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle, where I went to, being moved to Darlington. My views against it were aired alongside a professional who agreed with the move. Happily my old adult unit has been saved; they have even increased their beds from five to ten! I like to hope what I said helped in some way.
Also in October, I spoke at the Annual Convention for Secretaries in Durham after my Mam’s boss requested that I be one of their speakers. It was slightly nerve racking but hey I have done this many times before! My Mam never normally sits in on my presentations but I persuaded her to this time. However, she and her colleagues all cried! I also received a standing ovation and a huge boquet of flowers! Everyone came to offer me praise: these are the times I actually feel proud of myself. And this is why I will always continue to speak truthfully and honestly about my battle with anorexia.
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
Okay, this time I am using my blog to ask for advice :)
I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.
I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.
I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.
I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.
I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.
I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.
Curvelicious!
This was a piece I wrote for LGN events during my fashion intern for them :)
Lying on a sun bed on holiday, sweltering in the heat, the last thing I want to look at is woolly jumpers and fur coats. Yet this year, I was actually pleased with the magazines. And why? The statement that curves are back!
Although I am slim myself, I’ve become bored with the fashion and media Industry’s obsession with size zero, especially when only about one percent of us could actually gain such a small figure.
However, autumn/winter 2010 seems to have turned its back on the size zero epidemic. Designers instead are celebrating women!! Proper womanly bodies, with breasts and hips.
There was “All Woman” at Louis Vuitton with boned corsets and grown up circle skirts. “Hourglass” was celebrated at Dolce and Gabbana who showcased corsets and roses into womanly shapes. It is time to be your favourite Jane Austen character with a heaving cleavage and tiny waist.
The must-have pieces are corsets, nipped-in at the waist dresses and pencil skirts. Think Mad Men’s Betty Draper as your role model.
I am interested to see how the high street will incorporate these feminine trends. And whether curves will finally evolve from a gimmicky trend to something considered normal.
Hmmmm well we shall wait and see ;)
Lying on a sun bed on holiday, sweltering in the heat, the last thing I want to look at is woolly jumpers and fur coats. Yet this year, I was actually pleased with the magazines. And why? The statement that curves are back!
Although I am slim myself, I’ve become bored with the fashion and media Industry’s obsession with size zero, especially when only about one percent of us could actually gain such a small figure.
However, autumn/winter 2010 seems to have turned its back on the size zero epidemic. Designers instead are celebrating women!! Proper womanly bodies, with breasts and hips.
There was “All Woman” at Louis Vuitton with boned corsets and grown up circle skirts. “Hourglass” was celebrated at Dolce and Gabbana who showcased corsets and roses into womanly shapes. It is time to be your favourite Jane Austen character with a heaving cleavage and tiny waist.
The must-have pieces are corsets, nipped-in at the waist dresses and pencil skirts. Think Mad Men’s Betty Draper as your role model.
I am interested to see how the high street will incorporate these feminine trends. And whether curves will finally evolve from a gimmicky trend to something considered normal.
Hmmmm well we shall wait and see ;)
Making 2010 a great year :)
This is a piece I wrote at the start of the year:
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
Friday 17 December 2010
20 Things I Have Achieved This Year...
So here's another thing I read in a magazine - Frankie - writing down twenty of the things you've achieved in 2010. Here is mine:
1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.
1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.
My Life In Australia
This is sort of to remind me that I should be happy in Sydney. Yes I dont quite feel myself here and nor do I have friends of my own except at work but I am working on what I set out to do - gain as much experience as possible and become more confident.
So here it is:
Employed by Momentum Promotions,
Fragrance promoter in Myer,
Beat ambassador (overseas),
Volunteer for The Butterfly Foundation,
Writer for My Personal Best web site,
Writer for All Walks Beyond The Catwalk blog,
Author of Showing Recovery Is Possible and A Geordie Girl In Sydney blogs,
Member of Book Club,
Self-promoter of positive body image on Twitter,
Tourist and holiday Rachel,
Studying a fashion course,
Fashion intern with LGN events,
Had work experience with Marie Claire.
So here it is:
Employed by Momentum Promotions,
Fragrance promoter in Myer,
Beat ambassador (overseas),
Volunteer for The Butterfly Foundation,
Writer for My Personal Best web site,
Writer for All Walks Beyond The Catwalk blog,
Author of Showing Recovery Is Possible and A Geordie Girl In Sydney blogs,
Member of Book Club,
Self-promoter of positive body image on Twitter,
Tourist and holiday Rachel,
Studying a fashion course,
Fashion intern with LGN events,
Had work experience with Marie Claire.
Alternative Realities
I read a great trilogy the other week, the first book being A Crack In The Line, about different realities - how every time you make a decision, in an alternative reality another version of you is taking the other option of the decision. It made me think about different realities of myself - if anorexia had or had not darkened my door.
1. Rachel that didnt have anorexia; did a Triple Qualification at University spending a year in France and a year in Germany and now maybe works for the UN.
2. Rachel who was anorexic; then took a year off when she was told she would fail her A-Levels. She did a degree in journalism. Lives in London, a journalist.
3. Rachel who was anorexic; went to university etc but this Rachel actually did go to Germany instead of going to hospital for a serious case of self harm.
4. Rachel who went to Australia last year with her friend and wouldn't have had her heart broken many more times by her ex.
5. And sadly the Rachel who did die from anorexia.
I think I am quite glad to be in my reality with my BA Hons in French and German and my MA in magazine journalism :) Plus I am alive; I beat anorexia!
1. Rachel that didnt have anorexia; did a Triple Qualification at University spending a year in France and a year in Germany and now maybe works for the UN.
2. Rachel who was anorexic; then took a year off when she was told she would fail her A-Levels. She did a degree in journalism. Lives in London, a journalist.
3. Rachel who was anorexic; went to university etc but this Rachel actually did go to Germany instead of going to hospital for a serious case of self harm.
4. Rachel who went to Australia last year with her friend and wouldn't have had her heart broken many more times by her ex.
5. And sadly the Rachel who did die from anorexia.
I think I am quite glad to be in my reality with my BA Hons in French and German and my MA in magazine journalism :) Plus I am alive; I beat anorexia!
Monday 6 December 2010
Worry Mind
One of my biggest flaws is that I think too much. I worry about the littlest things to the point I can't sleep and I get a bad head!
So what is on my mind at the moment?
That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.
I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.
And yet I still worry.
I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.
I hope I am worrying for nothing!
So what is on my mind at the moment?
That even though my ex boyfriend treated me badly, as well as stringing me along for two years, I believe it was my fault. I am to blame because he had to deal with my low self esteem and self harm although I tried my hardest not to show my problems.
I confided my thoughts in my cousin the other day and even though I can see that what she said is true, I can't help to worry. She pointed out that perhaps I am attracted sub conciously to guys who help fuel my feelings of self hatred. How my self harming is not my fault but a consequence from the upset he put me through. I know it's right as he did many things to hurt me and that's when my self esteem started to disappear.
And yet I still worry.
I worry that I will never have a proper relationship. I worry that I wont be allowed to adopt because of my anorexia. I worry that I will never be free of my problems.
I hope I am worrying for nothing!
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