It's true; I really do.
I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.
I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.
I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.
I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.
I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.
I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.
I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.
And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)
There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)
Showing posts with label journalism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journalism. Show all posts
Monday, 16 May 2011
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
A Struggle With The Present
Okay so today I am wearing pretty colours for my new happy, healthy future as well as my lush Once upon a time necklace as I do hope to achieve my dreams. So why am I feeling completely miserable then?
I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.
My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.
I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!
When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.
After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.
And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)
I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.
My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.
I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!
When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.
After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.
And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
A Day Of Saying Goodbye...
You may have seen on Twitter that I am wearing black today. This is to say goodbye to everything I once was.
I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.
I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!
I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)
I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.
Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.
I feel a lot happier :)
I am saying goodbye to being referred to as a recovered anorexic because that isn't who I am anymore.
I am saying goodbye to being associated with my home town by deleting facebook today. I hate how they all know everything about me and its all a competition and my ex liking everything on my profile!
I am saying goodbye to comparing myself to the girls in my town and the girls my ex has been with since me. I am my own person and I quite like being me :)
I am saying goodbye completely to my ex. I am sick of his silly games and the way I feel sad whenever he is in my life. I know I can do it this time. I am no longer in love with him and I have amazing close friends who will help me through it.
Instead I am focusing on my 3 closest friends and my future. More girlie times and more nights in dedicated to becoming a magazine journalist.
I feel a lot happier :)
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Making 2010 a great year :)
This is a piece I wrote at the start of the year:
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
Friday, 17 December 2010
20 Things I Have Achieved This Year...
So here's another thing I read in a magazine - Frankie - writing down twenty of the things you've achieved in 2010. Here is mine:
1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.
1. Plucked up the courage to travel to Australia.
2. Spoke at a conference in Rome.
3. Spoke at a gynacolegist conference.
4. Gave a presentation at the Annual Secretaries Convention.
5. Finally got over my ex boyfriend.
6. Made some new brilliant friends.
7. Obtained my masters in Magazine Journalism.
8. Was fashion editor for our MA North East Culture magazine.
9. Directed my own photo shoot.
10. Modelled for Cosmopolitan.
11. Appeared on the front cover of the Shields Gazette.
12. Was on Metro Radio, Radio 5, Smooth Radio and BBC Newcastle.
13. Did work experience at Marie Claire.
14. Interned for LGN events.
15. Wrote for My Personal Best and All Walks.
16. Got back in contact with old friends.
17. Attended a memorial service for those who have died from an eating disorder and reminded myself that I deserve to be alive.
18. Made this blog :)
19. Became unashamed to tell people I am a recovered anorexic.
20. Started to write my novel on my experience of anorexia.
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Given up
I have yet to receive a reply from the agency and quite frankly i have given up with the media! Being a magazine journalism student, i feel quite disheartened with the media world. All i have wanted to do was show people that recovery is possible; eating disorders can be beaten and raise awareness. A lot more has to be done to make this possible....
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