A Struggle With The Present

Okay so today I am wearing pretty colours for my new happy, healthy future as well as my lush Once upon a time necklace as I do hope to achieve my dreams. So why am I feeling completely miserable then?

I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.

My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.

I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!

When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.

After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.

And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)

Goodbye Anorexia

As you may know I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. In fact I have struggled a lot more in Australia than I have let on to anybody. So when I saw a triggering photo, it set off my underlying problems and I began to do all my bad habits again.

Until I got ill. my inflamed sternum flared up after all the exercise I had done; I was dizzy due to restricting and vomiting; I had insane stomach cramps; I couldnt be bothered to do anything; I had a cold because my immune system is rubbish anyway from anorexia.

Having to stop and rest made me think. Was it really all worth it? Of course not.

Anorexia is lonely and tiring.
Anorexia makes me sick, snappy and moody.
Anorexia strips away the person I am.
Anorexia makes me into a girl not a woman.
Anorexic is not who I am anymore.

I have come too far in my recovery to let anorexia take over my life again. I have too many ambitions and dreams that I want to achieve. I sure as hell dont want to go backwards; back to a life of nothing.

So goodbye anorexia. You cant fool me this time!

Pearl By Katy Perry

This song relates to how I became when I was with my ex boyfriend and I never want to let myself get this low every again. I won't give up my life, dreams and ambitions for a boy. I certainly won't turn down invitations from friends anymore just in case he might want to see me. I won't stay with a boy who hardly gives me compliments, instead talking about all the girls who fancy him and talking to all of his exes. I won't stay with someone who doesn't give a damn about my feelings. Coming to Australia has made me realise that I am worth a hell of a lot more.

Pearl

She is a pyramid, but with him she's just a grain of sand,
This love's too strong like mice and men,
Squeezing out the life that should be let in.

She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind,
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships,
Was a force to be reckoned with.

She could be a Statue of Liberty,
She could be a Joan of Arc,
But he's scared of the light that's inside of her, so he keeps her in the dark.

Oh, she used to be a pearl,
She used to rule the world,
Can't believe she's become a shell of herself.
Coz she used to be a pearl.

She was unstoppable,
Moved fast just like an avalanche,
But now she's stuck deep in cement,
Wishing they never met.

Do you know there's a way out?
You don't have to be held down.

Coz I used to be a shell,
Yeah I let him rule my world,
But I will come and grow strong,
And I can still go on.
And no one can take my pearl.

You don't have to be a shell,
You're the one that rules your world,
You are strong and you will learn that you can still go on.
And you will always be a pearl.

She is unstoppable.l

Dreaming...

Although I made a decision a few years ago to not plan my future as no one knows what is going to happen, it is still important to have dreams.

Personal goals help you be motivated; they make you smile; daydream and try to actively work towards your aim. I have still had dreams but anorexia/a boy/my home town have stopped me from trying to reach my true potential. Now in Australia, in the sunshine, I am beginning to dream again =]

I want to:-

Travel more;
Get my book published;
Work for a magazine;
Start a group promoting awareness of positive body image;
Learn to make my own clothes;
Create my own magazine;
Do the Great North Run;
Be proud of all that I have achieved and be happy to be Rachel.