Life is too short

Yesterday I attended my friends funeral. It was one of the most upsetting days I've gone through. He was only 21 and they still don't know why he died. It just shows how short life is and we should make the most of it. When he died I swore I would start working on liking myself for who I am and enjoying life; working on my future. But I let myself get side tracked again; get pulled in by my ex boyfriend. Yesterday reminded me of what I want to do. I want to achieve something with my life, I don't want to be brought down by other people and I don't want to be made to feel inadequate by a boy.

Life is too short to worry about the tool of an ex boyfriend I can't seem to get over.
Life is too short to hate myself; to hide away from people and to burn myself.
Life is too short to compare myself to other people.

RIP Jamal. I'll always remember you

Happy New Year!

I hope that 2011 is even better than 2010. I have finally gotten over my ex and although I struggle with other things, I know my eating disorder is not worth it. Anorexia does not give me the life I want. It makes me look like a little girl and quite frankly I want curves :)

My New Year was amazing in Sydney; we went to a pub and then a nearby park where you could drink and watch the fireworks from the Sydney Harbour bridge. I also had a kiss at midnight with a lovely guy who is from my home town too. So I guess nice guys do exist and that I do deserve better from boys. The guy in question is a friend and he gave me some advice: how I should be with someone who is proud of all I have acheived and overcome.

I guess what this post is about, is that I am realising what I want out of life and the kind of relationship I think I deserve.

I wish you all an amazing 2011 :)

Wintergirls

I read a sad book yesterday - Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson.

It's a very well written book about a girl's battle with anorexia, Anderson really understands the inside trauma that goes on with an eating disorder. My cousin doesn't think I should be reading books on anorexia but I guess I want to understand more about the illness. Find out why I act the way I do. Also back in the UK, I could talk to loads of friends who knew exactly what I have gone through and am still struggling with. Here no one does and in a way I find it hard to deal with.

What also made me cry in the book was the traumatic death of the main character, Lia's, friend, Cassie, who dies from bulimia.This is the description:

"She drank, binged and purged for two days. Her esophagus ruptured. Ripped open. Boerhaave's syndrome, usually seen in alcoholics who regularly upchuck after drinking too much. Vomiting forcefully enough can tear the esophagus. She was purging when the rupture occused. She went into shock and died. She died in terror and she died alone."

I copied this to remind myself and hopefully you that my eating disorder is not worth losing my life over, even when I do hate everything about myself.

There is also postive words when Lia decides to recover. I think her words describe beautifully how I have felt myself:

"I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive people can hurt you. Its easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out. But it's a lie.

I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.
I am angry that I starved my brain and that I sat shivering in my bed at night, instead of dancing or reading poetry or eating ice cream or kissing a boy.

I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape.
There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day; an unexpected laugh; a mirror that doesn't matter anymore."

Pearl By Katy Perry

This song relates to how I became when I was with my ex boyfriend and I never want to let myself get this low every again. I won't give up my life, dreams and ambitions for a boy. I certainly won't turn down invitations from friends anymore just in case he might want to see me. I won't stay with a boy who hardly gives me compliments, instead talking about all the girls who fancy him and talking to all of his exes. I won't stay with someone who doesn't give a damn about my feelings. Coming to Australia has made me realise that I am worth a hell of a lot more.

Pearl

She is a pyramid, but with him she's just a grain of sand,
This love's too strong like mice and men,
Squeezing out the life that should be let in.

She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind,
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships,
Was a force to be reckoned with.

She could be a Statue of Liberty,
She could be a Joan of Arc,
But he's scared of the light that's inside of her, so he keeps her in the dark.

Oh, she used to be a pearl,
She used to rule the world,
Can't believe she's become a shell of herself.
Coz she used to be a pearl.

She was unstoppable,
Moved fast just like an avalanche,
But now she's stuck deep in cement,
Wishing they never met.

Do you know there's a way out?
You don't have to be held down.

Coz I used to be a shell,
Yeah I let him rule my world,
But I will come and grow strong,
And I can still go on.
And no one can take my pearl.

You don't have to be a shell,
You're the one that rules your world,
You are strong and you will learn that you can still go on.
And you will always be a pearl.

She is unstoppable.l