Being Home

I always knew returning home would be hard but I didnt realise it would bring loads of emotions back.

I did so well in Australia with becoming more confident and learning to like who I am. Yet my home town is threatening to spoil all my good work:

*I feel like a bad person because Ive made some terrible mistakes in the past

*I have urges to self harm but Im desperately trying to distract myself

*I saw my ex for the first time last week and it surprised me how much it hurt

*I'm lonely and wish I could find a guy who liked me

I am trying to keep up the positive insights I learned in Australia. I have ignoring my friends petty arguments. I have deleted my ex off Facebook again as he keeps trying to talk to me and I dont know what his game is. I have a full time job and I am determined to make my life amazing :). I am doing what I want to do and not answer to others.

I know I need distractions as when I came back from living in France I self harmed to the extreme that I had to go to hospital.

I have spent far too many years needing a guys attention; kissing and later sleeping with guys to feel wanted. I think its time to take time out for myself

I Have Grown As A Person

Being in Australia has changed me for the better. To think that i very nearly didn't come because of a boy. My ex changed his mind so much about whether he wanted to be with me and i got caught up in it all. I also was worried that I was running away from my feelings when in actual fact coming away as done me the world of good; not just realising I am better off without my ex neither. Here are some things i have been able to do:

stayed in a room with people I dont know,
lived with people i didnt know very well,
stayed in backpackers including a mixed dorm,
one night i stayed in the room with 5 strange boys,
travelled in a foreign country on my own,
went white water rafting,
gone on organised trips by myself,
walked into a bar on my own to meet friends,
set up a meeting with a charity on my own,
speant a lot of time by myself,
although it fell through i was going to stay with a girl i'd only known for a week,
realised i didnt want a boyfriend and i prefer being single,
i am not ashamed of my anorexia and sometimes its easier to tell people about it,
ate calamari and brie for the first time,
had fresh prawns and fish cooked/killed in the restaurant,
ate on my own in a restaurant,
learnt not to be wound up so easily.

What does worry me is that I have changed but my friends haven't and whether or not i will put the new things i have learned into practise at home.