A Struggle With The Present

Okay so today I am wearing pretty colours for my new happy, healthy future as well as my lush Once upon a time necklace as I do hope to achieve my dreams. So why am I feeling completely miserable then?

I guess after saying goodbye to the past, I do realise I have to work on the issues that are still having an affect on the present.

My plans got sidetracked by anorexia and now I am far behind on my path to becoming a journalist. I should have done a hell of a lot more work experience/intern, I should be writing more and I should have done a journalism degree not just a MA. I regret the things I have not done but hope to make them right.

I dont like the job I am in so every day is a struggle to get to 5pm!

When my ex went off with other girls and never wanted me, it made me feel worthless, lonely and ugly. I feel like everything I did was never enough. I dont know how to get out of this as yes I do receive compliments etc but the one person I wanted to want me didnt and it hurts so bad.

After reading out everything that went on between us, I now feel like an idiot for everything that I allowed to go on.

And after deleting facebook and stopping being an ambassador, I know for a fact hardly anyone will stay in touch with me. So basically I have three great friends and I am very thankful to have them :)

What I Have Learnt In Australia So Far :)

I am not ashamed of my anorexia. Anybody who is bothered by it, is a big waste of my time.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who i am not in the present.

It takes more courage to be different. They feel threatened by people who aren't like them. This is why people from home gossip about me - they can't accept that there is a different way of life. I am an anorexic and a self harmer and I dont care that they know.

I have done more with my life than the people who put me down.

I dont need to compare myself anymore. I should be proud of being unique and knowing I have friends who are just like me :)

I dont need a boy to feel good about myself.

Learning to love myself will be a challenge but I have faith I can do it! I have filled two books with compliments people have gave me.

I used to think I had admirers back home because well it was shields and boys just want to sleep with you. But I am attracting boys here :)

For being 23 years old, I have achieved a hell of a lot.

When people slag you off or look you up and down they are jealous of you. Simple fact.

Okay, this time I am using my blog to ask for advice :)

I thought I had gotten over something a long time ago but I have realised that is not the case - I still rely on boys compliments and attention to feel good about myself. I wish it wasnt true as I know boys arent the be all and end all, yet it makes me feel good about myself to have boys attracted to me.

I will drunk text boys even the ones I dont like in that way just to receive some flirting.
I have kissed boys I dont like just because I dont want to say no to someone as I know how it feels.
I don't sleep around but this need to feel wanted means I have gotten into some situations I wish had never happened.
It is why I went back to my ex for two years even though he never appreciated me.

I dont want to be this way. Yet I dont know how to get out of it.