I Hate Anorexia

It's true; I really do.

I used to not mind that anorexia had happened to me as it had made me the person I am today. But now I hate her for making me so far behind people my own age; for having such low self esteem that I put up with bad treatment not just from boys, but friends and work too; for self harming and for ruining my body.

I can't go running because my heart hurts too much and my knees and ankles click, meaning I had to limp home in Australia. I banged my ankle in the shower yesterday and its still hurting today. I have to be careful because of the osteopedia in the bottom of my spine - it's easy to get internal bruising.

I have an inflamed strenum from overexercising meaning I get shooting pains a lot and feel like I cant breathe.

I burnt my legs when I was ill - now everytime I go in a too hot shower or bath, I scald myself.

I dont mind my scars from self harming- they show how much strength I have to still be alive. I just hate the questions people ask and knowing that I will have to tell my next boyfriend and my children, if I'm lucky enough to have them.

I have put up with a lot from friends and boys, that maybe if I had more confidence wouldn't happen. People thought they could walk all over me but when I stuck up for myself, they'd get angry.

I have allowed my ex back into my life all the time because its how I think I deserve to be treated.

And now I hate anorexia because I am full of regret. I am behind in the journalism world; I didn't go to Germany for my degree and people always ask why; I haven't had a proper long term relationship (I'm sure 2 years of on/off with my ex doesnt count!)

There is so much I want to do but I am 24 and should really start settling into a career etc. But I guess I have to remember that really I am 24 - 3 because I spent 3 years stuck in the house. So really I am only 21 :)

The PLAN

Okay, I sort of had a plan in my head regarding how I want to be when I go home and regarding my ex. But the other day for some reason I emailed my ex, just a friendly messgae but still this was NOT part of the PLAN!

I guess what I need to realise is I am human and we all make mistakes; it is okay to have a blip.

So what is my plan?

I want to be confident in myself and respect myself as a person - no more letting one boy control the person I am.

I will not let what other people say to me get me down. Most of them have not experienced the things I have and probably never will so what right do they have putting me down?

I will not be involved in the gossip of my home town.

I know it is not the end of the world of I dont have a boy who likes me. I am my own person and I am achieving what I want.

I do not love my ex anymore therefore I will not be his booty call or embark on a relationship again with him.

I do not even want to be my exes friend even - I thought he was mine but I have realised it was all one sided. He never cared about when I was feeling down.

So why did I email then? I guess last weeks situation with twitter affected me more than I thought, combined with a terrible attempt at starting exercise again and the comments the other boy made about me.

Oh as a side note, this boy apologised to me for what he said - he recognised it was harsh - and I really appreciate it. He knew I knew because of reading my blog! Oh dear. One thing I realised though is I never say what I mean to in real life. I think of things much later on and its something else I need to learn: how to speak my mind. He had said he said those things as he had felt awkward that everyone was talking about me and him and how I had wrote about us on my blog. I wish I had spoken out then; because really I am not a girl who gets carried away. I was not expecting anything more than what happened between us but I get the feeling that he reckons I wanted a relationship. Erm no. I know it was just a one off thing and I am fine with that :)

So yes here's to the PLAN lets hope I stick to it!

Attracting The Right Guy

Now why is my post called this? I seem to have a habit of being sub-conciously attracted to guys who play on my insecurities, by using them to their own advantage. I got myself involved in a two year on and off relationship because I loved my ex that much I believed anything he said to me, when really he was probably just trying to get me into bed. Before now I believed this was how I was meant to be treated - but I deserve more. Being in Australia has forced me to look at my past behaviours and beliefs.

I deserve a guy who respects me and wants to be with me, and me only.

I deserve a guy who is proud of everything I have overcome and everything I have achieved.

I deserve a guy who wants to be seen with me; wants people to know I am his girlfriend.

I deserve a guy who loves me for who I am.

I deserve a guy who sees me not as a girl who has been anorexic but who I am now in the present.

On a previous post about New Year, I said I had shared a midnight kiss with a lovely guy. Turns out he isnt as nice as I thought. He is just like the others have been - nice to me, then talking about me differently to his friends as if I am a joke.

The other night he had told me he hopes I listened to everything he had said to me on New Year; how he can see the potential I have and had been reading my blog. I had appreciated him reading my blog as not many boys would do that. Yet the next day all his kind words seem tainted.

Basically I read something I wish I hadn't. He had left a conversation open with a friend on my housemates laptop. In it he said this about me:

"Girl's got issues man; Anorexic for years; Dark as fuck."

Yes it doesnt seem much but to me, it was just another sign that no guy is ever going to want to be with me. I was upset but after a while I thought hang on! I am not the only person with issues. Like my cousin said, "Everyone has issues." Plus my issues aren't that bad anymore - I just lack confidence which I am quite good at hiding to the outside world. I am not dark at all and so what if I have been anorexic? He even said himself I should be with someone who is proud of what I have overcome.

So now instead of being upset, I have thought stuff him! I will show him what I am made of!! I am determined to get rid of my insecurities and have the life I deserve. I am not ashamed of my eating disorder and to prove this point this is what I had my facebook status as:

"Feeling empowered today so... Yes, I am a recovered anorexic. So fuck! If I dont care, why should anyone else?!

obstacles

Although almost recovered, life seems to like throwing me obstacles. And by that I mean difficult situations that could re-start my anorexia. Luckily now I know anorexia does not give me what I need or want.

Yes life can be hard but by dealing with the obstacles you become a stronger person.

Anorexia gives you a death sentence; recovery gives you opportunities.

Once more I am faced with a problem. A major problem at that. I need to finally get over an ex boyfriend. After two and a half years he has completely knocked my confidence until I don't know who I am anymore. Sound familiar? Yeah he's like anorexia. And I sure as hell managed to beat her! Realising this has made me much more positive that I won't only just find rachel again, I'll be an improved stronger Rachel :)