The Many Faces Of Anorexia

I am helping my friend with her uni essay about the personality traits in the development, course and outcome of an eating disorder. Here are some of mine:

Development of anorexia:

unrealistic expectations - I thought I had to achieve As in anything to be seen as good enough. If I didn't, I was a failure and my parents would be disappointed in me.

I thought I could only have lots of friends if I was skinny, beautiful, gorgeous (everything I wasn't)

addictive - I was addicted to the rush I got from not eating for days on end.

perfectionism and high achiever - All I could think about was college work. I was so involved in studying & my eating disorder, I actually used to do homework set in my 9am lesson in my morning break! It was also a way to stop people making silly comments to me about my weight.

I studied constantly. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. I was very eager to please & be there for everybody.

Intelligent - I got high marks all the time, yet in college there were lots of clever people & I felt out of my depth.

Quiet/shy - I kept myself to myself always grateful to be invited places & seen to be popular. I'd never had a boyfriend.

Control - I liked to know what I was mean to be doing and when.

During my anorexia:

I had a lot of negative personality traits which are regarded to have been part of my illness.

Selfish - I mostly thought about me & pleasing anorexia. I barely cared about anyone else, making people cry.

Argumentative - I argued with friends, family & the unit. No, I was not anorexic. No I would not gain weight. I used to swear and shout at my psychologists, telling them I hated them.

Self-absorbed - I was in my anorexic world. All I thought about was calories and ways of losing weight.

Liar - I lied to everyone. I said I wasn't anorexic, I was eating. At the unit, I lied about exercising. I lied about my supplement drinks (I barely drank any). I hid food at nearly every mealtime. I made myself sick. I tried to run away. I self harmed. I did everything to please anorexia and I didn't care who I hurt. To me anorexia was my best friend.

Perfectionist & high achiever - Although I was not in college full time, I studied constantly handing in assignments early and doing extra work. I wanted to be the best.

I had to be active all the time. I couldn't just sit watching TV. I saw this as being lazy & a waste of space.

Control - Because I could no longer control my food, I tried to control my family instead by dictating when we ate and what we did.

Quiet/shy - I was even more timid when anorexic, as I spent a lot of my time at home. I lost friends. I got upset easily.

My mam says I was possessed & she had to remind herself that her daughter was still there.

It is hard to remember what life was like as an anorexic - from the ages of 16 - 20 my life is quite blank.

Outcome of anorexia :

Perfectionism & high achiever - I still am both of these; I have just learnt to control them. I no longer study constantly but I do like to be active & learn new things. I am always striving for better & place a lot of pressure on myself.

I constantly want to look good, worry about my appearance & compare myself to others.

Quiet/shy - I am not as shy as I once was. In fact, I talk a lot & would seem confident. To be honest, most of it is an act. Really I'm shy, insecure & want to be liked. I go out of my way to please others, to be there for them at all times yet often people take advantage of my kindness & play on my insecurities.

I am behind people my own age.

Competitive - I didn't really have anyone to compete with but now when anyone says they're going on a diet; I always know I will beat them!

Low self esteem - throughout the course of my life and anorexia.
I don't respect who I am which is why I put up with poor treatment from boys and friends. When boys treat me badly I believe it is how I am meant to be treated.

At A Loss

I keep losing friends and I don't know why. The anorexic in me shouts it's because I'm a terrible person; I'm boring; I talk too much and I'm unlikeable.

I'd say I believe her about 20%. Deep down I know I'm generally a good person; I'm interesting - I've travelled, I have a high level of education; I've done unusual things; I must be likeable or I wouldn't have a close friend I've had for 13 years or a close friend who talks to me daily or make friends easily or have two younger friends who call me their big sister. :)

So what is it then?

I lost most of my friends from school and college to anorexia. I was stuck at home whilst they were out being 17 and 18 year olds.

I've lost other friends to fall outs and distance.

But right now? I have no idea. Of course I have stopped constant contact with some due to me outgrowing them or one girl slagging me off.

However there's one close friend - I saw her every week and we would speak on the phone every day about anything and everything. Then suddenly I don't hear from her any more. I last saw her in July. My Mam said to ask her what's up? But I always do this - I'm sick of being the one who runs around.

Then my other friend is choosing to ignore me. I'm always the one to text first; to chase up plans. I've given up now as I feel like she just doesn't want to see me. Yet she knows what its like as her own friends did this to her and I was the only one there. Even her mam and nanna said I was her nicest friend. Maybe its down to what she said to me recently: people have lost respect for me for the way I behaved with my ex.

I don't know any more. I'm tired of making all the effort.

Is there anyone out there?

I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I've been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!

My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.

You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.

Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he's not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.

Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.

Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can't handle my success? I dont know. I'm done with it all.

Re-emerging

Sorry I have been quiet lately... I've been feeling rather lost and unsure of what I want to do with my life. I had a great week in London doing work experience at You magazine but then it ended and I had to come home. Home to where everyone knows what I've been through; Home to my claustrophobic bedroom; Home to my ex boyfriend and his games; Home to a job that I hate.

I've been keeping myself to myself, only seeing my three close friends and occasionaly my ex boyfriend. Sometimes he shows me he cares, like when he came round because I was scared on my own when my parents were away, but it's like he cant show his real emotions or whatever. Everytime hes spent a lot of time with me, I dont hear from him for weeks after. He is more bothered about other girls than me, making me feel inadequate and lonely. Yet the thing is I cant make him want me; what I can do is stop giving into him all the time and respecting the person I am.

I've started doing things again this week. I went swimming on Monday and felt great. I went out with two other friends on Sunday and other friend last night. I've been invited to different things and I'm starting to work on my future.

It's ridiculous that I havent seen people in months or some even a year, and my story is still the same. I'm still hung up on the same guy. I never expected to return from Australia to the same life I had before.

The girls on sunday gave me good advice though: my ex is never going to realise what he's lost until I totally stop all contact with him. At the moment he knows he can do what he wants and I'll still be there for him. I'd commented that I'm 'nothing' to him but they completely disagreed. They stated I'm the one he always comes back to and he does care... he cares enough to make me feel bad; I'm the one he wants a reaction out of.

I hope one day I will look back and wonder what this was all about. But until then I have to stay strong and find a guy who is proud of me for just being me.

Life is too short

Yesterday I attended my friends funeral. It was one of the most upsetting days I've gone through. He was only 21 and they still don't know why he died. It just shows how short life is and we should make the most of it. When he died I swore I would start working on liking myself for who I am and enjoying life; working on my future. But I let myself get side tracked again; get pulled in by my ex boyfriend. Yesterday reminded me of what I want to do. I want to achieve something with my life, I don't want to be brought down by other people and I don't want to be made to feel inadequate by a boy.

Life is too short to worry about the tool of an ex boyfriend I can't seem to get over.
Life is too short to hate myself; to hide away from people and to burn myself.
Life is too short to compare myself to other people.

RIP Jamal. I'll always remember you

Broken Record

I feel like I go on about this all the time but I just can't seem to stop being upset over my ex. I guess it's because he always comes back into my life and then he upsets me again. Things had been going well between us; he spoke to me every day, we hung out and he was being lovely. But now I haven't heard from him since Thursday meaning he's probably with another girl. I feel like there's something wrong with me and that's why he doesn't want me.

I can't go on like this anymore. Being happy and then sad all the time. I just feel so horrible about myself that I don't know how to stop.

Body Gossip monologue

Sorry I have been quiet lately...dealing with a few things, including the fact that a lot of people at work have found out about my eating disorder after someone at work emailed out an article about me. :( It had been so nice to be in a place where no one knew about it. I guess anorexia is always going to appear in my life one way or another.

Anyway I wanted to share the monologue I wrote for Body Gossip and My Personal Best. There was an event held on saturday which was a success. Mine wasn't performed but I thought I would share it with you all:

Rachel’s monologue
You thought you could beat me,
You couldn’t have been more wrong,
Because you picked the wrong girl to mess with.
You won for a while,
After convincing me that everyone hated me,
And only you were my best friend.
You forced me to diet, vomit and exercise.
You turned me into a selfish, lying monster,
But then I realised you were wrong.
I was loved and I was worthwhile,
I deserved to be alive.
My battle with you was hard,
Yet in the end it was me who won.
So goodbye anorexia, I do not need or want you.
I am happy to just be me, Rachel.