Lost

I didnt get any response to my last post so I hope people are still reading... I know I have been a bit down lately and hope thats not why people arent commenting anymore!

I wish I could be more positive but I just feel utterly lost at the moment.

I am grateful that I have a job but its not the one I want.

I am finding it hard to live at home again especially when my parents dont trust me.

I am self harming again to the point I am bandaged up which means people will ask questions :|

I am allowing my ex boyfriend to use me again because I want to feel wanted and alive.

I am making sure I am out of the house and busy at all times - I am running away from myself.

Maybe it wasnt a good idea to come home?

Confusion

I dont have anywhere else to talk about this...

In Australia I managed to get over my ex boyfriend but since I have been back in my hometown I have realised I am not completely over him. As I mentioned before I saw him last week and was struck by how much it hurt to see him.

But now I have actually spent time with him today and my head and heart are all over the place. He was emailing me last night and he was asking me round. Thankfully I didnt go then. Today he apologised but asked to see me. Hes been calling me darling and my lovely; I hate that him calling me nice things makes me smile. I hate that my heart leaps everytime I see I have a message from him.

Today was lovely too. He was different then he used to be. We went to the park, sat on a blanket and just chatted. He was never on his phone. He paid attention to me. We laughed and had a banter and it was great. Went back and watched a film too. Nothing happened between us which Im glad of. And I like that we can be friends. But now Im reminded of the fact I still have feelings for him and I dont know what to do.